Saturday, April 30, 2011

Missed Blog


To my regular readers, I put up a post last night that I wrote 2 weeks ago, but it filed itself down in the past.
Its title is "What A Strange Day"  its about 7 blogs down, and you might like to read it.  Or if you click over on April it will come up in the list for April.  Thanks, CF.

Who Am I?



I am doing a little exercise here in striping the layers back to see what actually makes me who I am.
The number one thing influencing me ATM is my health.  I have had a terrible month of asthma.

1.       I am limited by my asthma in not being able to work or exercise or do much at all really except feel terrible and anxious and worry about all the thing I could have done the last month, so I feel I am a month behind, and month without money coming in.
2.       I am a planner and a searcher; I spend my time being sick thinking about what I want and how I am going to get there.  A prime example is I only just realized that I am constantly driven to improve my life in any way I can, it’s like that song to the opening credits on the Fab Five “All things just keep getting better” A good trait, except it leaves me spending all my money trying to improve my apartment, clothes, holidays, food, cars.  I NEED to stop improving and just live, being is just as important as improving.
3.       I am friends focused, without people I like in my life I feel half alive.
4.       I am a blog writer, I think if blogs didn’t exist I might right a diary to track my progress through life, so I can look back and see how far I have come, because I forget about the journey in the past.  I like there to be a record of the things that have made my life, so I don’t feel like life is passing me by without accomplishing anything.
5.       I am sexual, I like to feel a connection with men through sex.
6.       I am materialistic and like to have the best or at least nice things of everything, and if it isn’t expensive, then it needs to look like it is.
7.       I am a comparer, I like to track myself against other people, and I use other people to gauge who and what my strengths and weakness are.
8.       I can do lots of things well except for petty.  I am so big picture I am totally flawed when it comes to detail and making life about the small things, people who nitpick about stupid stuff that doesn’t matter, drive me insane.
9.       I derive myself worth through the positive change I can make and by having fun.
10.   I am limited financially by my poor employment record, partly due to poor health and party due to my inability to find a good job, and partly because I start to feel really down when I am doing a job that feels limiting and pointless, “Is this as good as it gets” runs through my head as soon as I feel stale, and I want to bail as fast as I can.
11.   I fell a long long long way from the apple tree, no one in my family is anything like me.
12.   I absolutely need to do tangible stuff and security is important to me.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Relief From Uncertainty


Made it out to dinner tonight with BF and I am feeling much better, we finally had the talk that I had been needing to have for a while, but he was quite happy if we didn’t have the talk, which I found strange but now I know why I felt like I had been floating for a while.  He didn’t feel the need to say that we weren’t what we had started out to be anymore, but I did feel the need, as I didn’t know how to handle his expectations.  Did he still have feelings for me?  What did he want? Did we have a future?  Would he be ok if we didn’t?  I am so new at all of this, that I was swimming blind in a sea of new emotions never having navigated this before.  But I will be more confident in saying what I want next time round.  He has been great and still is, we just aren’t on a relationship path anymore.  I didn’t know what feelings he still had for me, and I have only just worked out what mine were, but it took me over two weeks to know what I wanted and over three to have this conversation with him.  What I have been going through is a bit like this.  How do you say no to someone who is loving, has love to give and cares about you and is kind and thinks about you, does stuff for you and isn’t annoying?  How could I walk away from that?  I didn’t know why I felt uncomfortable, but I did.  I don’t think its him, maybe we are incompatible or maybe I just need my space more than I need to be close to someone, but either way all these things are new to me and I had to work through them.  Here I have met a great guy and yet I am anxious? Why?  But with time on my own, my anxiety went away.  Something just wasn’t right, but I don’t know what.
I guess I did feel pressure from his expectations.  He told me tonight that he never had any.  But I had told him at the start that I didn’t want to pair off quickly, which I thought he was ok with, but I then felt I was hurting his feelings if I was interested in other guys and didn’t hide it or lie about it.  So I did feel pressure that it was him only or not at all.  So I stopped looking at other guys for long enough to play by his rules and see if that was something I wanted.  But the whole committed monogamous thing, just felt all too serious and grown up for me, I’m 31 not 41 why did I want to play husband and wife at this age, it feels too restricting to me.  I really do think we can be friends, which will be a first for both of us, as neither of us has wanted to be friends with someone we have been involved with in the past, so there is defiantly some attraction there, but I think we need to build a friendship first, we tried to skip over the friendship stage straight into a relationship, that was a big no no, I will never do that again, friends first to build a relationship on, not the other way round.
He told me he could never put his finger on why he was attracted to me, he just was, he feels its spiritual and I think my attraction to him may have been as well, we just felt good together.  He also told me about other guys who are interested in him, this made me feel much better.  I hope he wasn’t doing to make me feel better, I don’t think he would do that, but just knowing he had other love interests made me feel a lot better.
I think basically I was missing my freedom, and I felt bad when I wanted to do something that I thought might hurt him if I did it, and then I would feel bad because I missed out on something or someone I wanted to do.  I found I was spending more time thinking about his feelings then living my life, so in the end all his kindness couldn’t make up for my sense of loss of freedom of choice.

Night Night M, I know you read this, we had 6 great weeks, twice as long as I have had with anyone else.  You are lovely and loving and maybe in the future one day when I’m more of an adult I will be able to hang in their better, I just want to let you know that you really did show me love and I have had a truly amazing March, I think the best month of my life because of you.   I am thinking of you and look forward to our friendship because I think it’s going to be good, I can’t wait to see what we can get up to as friends, and how well we can shake this planet and make some change.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Just a Bunch of Fucked Up Lost Boys


 
Bridget Jones throws out this line at Daniel Clever in Bridget Jones 2, The Edge of Reason.  The lost boys are the children out of “Peter Pan” who don’t want to grow up and take on the responsibility of being men.  She says to Daniel, “You’re just some fucked up lost boy, who doesn’t want to grow up and learn to love just one person.”  This accusation is leveled at gay men frequently.  When you look at the clubs you can see men in their 40’s still drinking and drugging, and dancing with their shirts off, and generally acting like 20 year olds do.  To people who like the world to look a certain way, this behavior breaks the behavioral norm for men that age, and hence they tut tut at their non conformist attitude.  I also think it looks a little sad, especially when I saw men in their 50’s and older still trawling the saunas, 50 and still can’t do a relationship? How sad I used to think.  I will try not to be so ridged in my thinking.  Without the pressure from women to love only one person, and no children, and freely available sex, are these older gay men just living how all men would choose to live if they could?  If straight men could get sex as freely as gay men, had no children, and didn’t have to say “I love you” to a woman just to get sex, would they live like the gay community?
In my search for meaning in my own life I have come to the conclusion that living justly, having fun, living the good life in as many ways a possible and great sex is what I define my life by.  And great romance and crushes.  I think also think that there is probably not one meaning to life that fits all, and that everyone probably has their own.
Which brings me to that tricky question, will I end up just another fucked up lost boy?  I haven’t been out for 2 months and I don’t a problem with drinking or drugs or love addiction, so I am not a prime candidate on the surface.  But if I don’t define myself by wealth, a house or other security the chances are I am heading towards vagrancy. 
After escaping “Camp Hate” today AKA my mother’s house, I was thinking about just how much time I need to myself just to be happy and calm.  What chance does anyone have of getting close to me if I need to be myself so much?  How will I ever replicate a normal relationship if I can’t spend long periods of time with someone?
The most serious men I can think of are those young men who go off to war to fight for their country.  But then again so many wars are about serious men, AKA corrupt rulers wanting power and to control people for their pleasure.  So if we all just chill out like me and stop being so serious would that be the real answer for world peace?  Party and have sex like Cassius and there would not be anymore wars! Now there’s a bumper sticker.
In my 20’s my nights out would look like this; drink, dance, pickup, root, repeat.  But with time it has changed into; drink, dance, pickup, root, feel lonely and empty repeat.  If repeating the same behavior isn’t giving me the same highs as it used to then it’s time to think about a change, and now I’m back to where I started, how to I get close to someone when I can’t spend long periods of time with them without going crazy?

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Escape From Camp Hate


My mother lured me down to the farm under a big fat lie, so now I have been stuck here for 4 days over the easter religious nut athon.  My mother is a religious freak of enoughmous proportions, and I am stuck in the middle of cyclon season for Catholics, EASTER!  I swear she must get up every morning and say a rosary to practice hating the world, because I am stuck in no win situation down here.  My mobile barely works in the country, but I can't really talk on it infront of her because even the sound of my voice sets off her rage.  I am walking on egg shells down here and it ain't pretty.  So in rebellion I went to easter mass tonight, hating every second of the 2 and a half hour load of shit they were spinning, so I got on Grindr out of sheer rebilion and Grindred all through chuch, suck on that you bunch of Gay hating A holes.

Amy Wino & Mark Ronson


Amy Winehouse, or Wino as we now like to apptly call her gets two songs, "Tears Dry on Their Own" for all the straight boy crushes past and future I have and will have, it's not easy being gay and having feeling for your straight hot mates who are kind and act a little interested back but are never brave enough to cross that line and give boy love a go.  To all the gay guys out there who have been strung along wondering "Will he ever love me?"  This song and clip is for you

Next in is Valerie, just because its fun to sing along to and Mark Ronson is a Style guru, I think if we ever meet he would think I am cool..... maybe, here's hoping.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Happy Wedding Day

Good Luck William and Kate, and to all those Queens in waiting, there is still Harry!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

What a Strange Day

I have just had one of those bizarre days that leaves you wondering how things can travel so far off Corse from the day you thought were going to have.  My Jeep wouldn’t start so I couldn’t leave for Canberra in it, but that’s ok, I just jumped in the ute and also managed to chase up $4000 of unpaid invoices, so a pretty productive day, and then at 4:30 pm I get a phone call from hot builder as I am about to leave, his truck has broken down in Sydney  he is stuck here and do I want to meet up and can he stay with me, no probs, cool I get to see him, nice, so we go to dinner at a groovy Argentinean tapas Restaurant Potenos with my neighbor, and Gorge from Master Chef was there sitting across from us, and we know the Maitradee, so it was one of those cozy Sydney moments where we were feeling a nice little sense of community, but not just any community, cool shiny glam Sydney community.
Hot builder falls asleep in the car as I am driving him and neighbor home, its ok he is tired and he lives life like action man, its kind of cute, and when home we talk for half an hour and he goes to sleep on my day bed, while I’m listing to some nice tunes on my Harmon/Karden.  He says, keep the music on, as he drifts off to sleep.  So I decide I can’t sleep after such a big meal, so maybe I will sit up and think for a while.  I am on my couch thinking and listening to music and he is sleeping.  It was a nice moment.  A kind of togetherness without effort, which is kind of the nicest togetherness.   So I am thinking about he and I, we have known each other since 11, been friends since we were 25 and we have something.  I can’t put my finger on it.  He is extremely good looking and sexual, but kind and gives me attention.  But we don’t hang out heaps, and might talk once every 2 weeks on the phone.  I have always thought that I had an attraction to him and that my feelings where just my own projecting onto him.  But now I am beginning to think is there more to it than that?  Do I think he is gay, no not really?  Do I think he is attracted to me?  Well that’s what I have struggled with, he is so much hotter than me in my eyes I had never thought it possible he could like me the same way I like him.  But the sleeping thing, he does it all the time we go out for a night out and he falls asleep next to me in the car all the time.  I thought he just pushed his body to the limit and was exhausted a lot and that could be it, but he must feel safe around me.  I have had a few people in my life that when I am near them I get calm and feel safe to sleep in front of, am I that to him? Or is he like that with lots of people?   When I dream of him, its not really anything sexual, I usually want him in my bed when I am tired, like really tired and strung out, and then I dream that he likes me and sleeps in my bed and holds me.  More a straight mate thing, where he is cool enough to sleep next to me and hold me when I am at my whit’s end.  I guess I don’t really want to posses his body, fine as it is, I am attracted to his energy which is always positive and unflustered, that is where his real attractiveness is.  He has a positive life energy about him that when you are around him you feel like life is Wonderful and truly great to be alive, dreams do come true and you can achieve anything you put your mind and super fit body to.
I would say it even goes further than that, I feel a spiritual element to it.  I don’t want to sound like a dickhead who can’t separate a crush from spiritual stuff, but when I am around him I really feel like I am living on a different plain.  Which makes me ask, what can come of our friendship?  Will we continue to cruise on with nothing much changing?  I don’t think we could have sex and go back to what we have, so either that is all in my head or we are one day going to break though to another world of connection.  I’m only 50% sure that is even on offer, but I am starting to see things that he likes about me.  He has the six pack, arms, smooth tanned skin and sexy tough guy attitude, but I think he may like me.  I can’t quite see why, maybe he is curious and sees me as a safe play zone, or maybe its real love?  I have always discounted that saying no its all me, its in my head, but maybe he’s wanted me for ages and neither of us is out to each other?  I was trying to tell him today, but he was agitated as he was flying to Thailand tomorrow and has lots to do in 12 hours to fix his truck before he leaves, so I left it for another time, if ever.  He is so scatty, that its hard to focus him on anything, and that is one part that makes me think he is curious, he distracts himself constantly as a way of avoiding feelings bubbling up.  One day if he sits still for long enough he might look at some of those feelings.
I find it hard to pin point what I like about him, but even harder to think what he likes about me.  He thinks I’m funny, and kind, sexy? Mmmm doubtful, he has never really let me know that, but the very first night we hung out together he did offer for me to sleep in his bed with him, I thought it was a test and chose the couch, but was it?    I think he likes my intelligence and he is always doing nice things for me.  But is it anything deeper than that?  I can’t put my finger on it.  I think yes, but why there is no proof other than kindness and he is sexy, he has never touched me or kissed me or suggested anything and yet I think yes, is he just an outrageous flirt?
 I guess my aim is to get him still enough for long enough for him to have to show his true feelings, when you are never still you don’t have to feel anything.
So today we went shopping on King St, he bought some underwear for his girl friend and then a drag outfit for himself so he can crash his sisters baby shower! We caused quite the stir in the op shop as he tried on dresses and high heels, very funny a really butch builder with tats in the change room shouting out “Cassius get me more dresses, make them blue, I like blue” and getting me to take photos and send them to his girl friend with the whole op shop watching and laughing, as he modeled each dress for me.
After getting rid of him, I found the Ute had a flat, so yet again I couldn’t leave Sydney! 2 hours later I decided to stay another night, again, and this time have dinner with BF.  We haven’t hung out for 2 weeks so I thought we were over, but tonight after dinner he wanted to suck me off in the Ute.  It was kind of cool, and horny teenager in its feel , he blew me out the front of someone’s house in suburbia!  Look mummy at those two men in that Ute out the front of our house and one keeps putting his head in the other ones lap, while the other one lays down.  It’s a bit of a cliché but at least a gay version this time, hot tradies being sucked of in their Utes all over Sydney.  It did make me feel like the cool Jock who ever one wants a piece of.
I think I should stop calling BF, BF as we are back to that dreaded no man’s land where we are indefinable, but as long as we can keep it light and friendly then I’m happy with that.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Stay Around (For This) - Milk & Sugar


This song has been around for years, but I have never owned it before now, I was in "Name This Bar" with bf a few weeks ago and I heard it and thanks to iPhone and shazam I was able to down load it on my way home.  It just reminds me of all the good times I have had in clubs over the years, 12 years of going out x by 52 would = 600 plus nights out, and I used to go out 4 nights a week some times, so guess I could have had 1200 nights out in the clubs in my life!  And most of them were good ones, so that's a lot great times and memories.  If its loud I wear ear plugs, so just as well or I could be deaf by now.  I guess this is the closest thing we have to a song?



I guess that makes me a club boy?  I have always loved good clubs, I hear people whinge "I don't like going out any more, I'm all about food and wine and sitting and chatting"  BORING, some one call the police before I die of passive boredom.

Silicone Soul - Right On




This one was when I was partying in Sydney in 2002, the Gay Games, going to Stonewall and Hugo's in the Cross and living in Manly and going to the beach, it was an excellent summer one of the best of my life.  It reminds me of drinking cocktails and getting drunk every night of the week, and struggling to get to work the next day.  And of the humidity and the lush tropical foliage in all the good suburbs like Double Bay, and the gorgeous Asian girls in the clubs with their James Bond Girl seductive eyes and dance moves and perfume, and the smells of summer like mojito's, frangapin's, jasmine, and lime and lemon grass.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Lady Hear Me Tonight

http://youtu.be/HzpCcNdhy5w



Not sure if this is number 2 for important songs for me, but its up there, the film clip with the hot guy with the cute face and hot bod, was what Uni was all about for me, wanting to be that guy.  Never got the bod, sort of had the face, wasn't that cool back then, but was desperate to be liked but the good looking cool kids.  I was very regimented back then, but I have found my cool groove since.  I had some free time for fun games like in this clip, but we weren't as effortlessly cool as they were, but we still had the fun times.

Ray of Light



I was 18 in year 12 about to step out and make my own life, the excitment in this song about how good life is going to be, was me in 1998.  About to get away from all the shit and bullying that goes on in a Private Boys school with 1300 boys on top of each other, BRING IT ON, I couldn't wait for life to begin properly.
http://youtu.be/a4tD8dy9Reg

The Sound of Violence

Jamie you asked me to do 10 top songs for me of all time, can't think of the 10 songs that I have played the most but I will do one at a time as I think of some.  The number 1 song in my life is easy it's this one by Cassius


http://youtu.be/6Ml-jUdIbcI

This song became the sound track that I came out to.  I  was 22, it was 2002 and I was house sitting a house for a work collegue for 4 months while he travelled around South America.  It was a chef's house and he had a cool kitchen and an indoor swimming pool.  I was supposed to look after his dumb dog, which I grew to hate because it shat inside and barked when put outside.  I secretly wanted to kill it, and due to my subconsciense neglect I did, I left the side gate open and the dog ran out on the road and I found it run over and dead on the road.  I felt so guilt I drank so much trying to calm down for a few weeks afterwards, this guys was not married and had no children, I had basically killed his child, OMG WHAT HAD I DONE!  I was unemployed, coming out, first year out of Uni, hiding from my parents and hating them, I had given up a trip to Canada, which would have been my first overseas trip, for my first proper Career job and they had sacked me one week before I would have been leaving with my friends to tour Canada.  I was not a happy person and the anger and upsetness, probably triggered my courage to go out there and have my first sexual expirences out of sheer fustration.

I loved the energy of the song, it is very male, the film clip is great and I think it is about the search, that I had inside me to find some peace.  I had all this excitment, sex for the first time, as well as the fear and loneliness of what being gay was going to mean, I was drinking every night of the week and going to gay clubs every night they were open in Canberra, Oh Cube the memories.  I was racing between Sydney and Melbourne to go to the clubs and Saunas and beats and I had money from saving up for my trip, and free time from being unemployed.  And didn't have to pay rent, and it was the first time my life wasn't scedualed, ever, from power perants and a highly competative private school, I had gone straight to Uni and worked very hard in casual jobs as well as doing well at uni.  4 months off from life to think, and fuck and drink and do drugs, my bestie had a brilliant new Porsche and we would race from Canberra to Melbouren to do the clubs, sometimes in 5 hours, it's normally an 8 hour trip.

At the end of the 4 months I moved to Sydney for a job, and I arrived in Sydney on the 1st of November 2002 with glandular fever, right at the start of the Gay Games (Olympics).  Sydney was pumping with gay men like it has never done since.  I was sick and lost the job I moved to Sydney for, but I had to lie in the sun to help my liver beat the glandular fever, so I had an epicically good tan, but I caught Sea Lice from lieing on the sand at the nude beach for a month.... ops.  Then in Januaray 2003 the Canberra bushfires happened and my parents were badly affect and I moved home to help them rebuild their lives, hence ending my 9 months of living the crazy life.  La Vida Loca.

And in case you were wondering, yes this song is used in Social Network, the club scene with Justin T.

Photos Worth Seeing





These photos are from a new shoot in Las Vagas to capture a gay boys weekend of love and marriage, I think its a clever take on the traditional boys weekend / stag party, thanks DNA Magazine




Change of Seasons




It’s raining and its April, the days are getting dark and cool.  I feel like a total New Yorker today, dressed in head to toe G Star Raw, including my very cool G Star Biker Jacket, arrrrhhh what a find last year at the sales, let’s just say I didn’t pay the $945 asking price.  I’m wearing all dark colors and the rain is lashing my building with rain running down my huge warehouse windows, all very dull and the total opposite from the blue skies and warm weather of only yesterday.  I find it hard to transition from sub tropical sunny bliss to damp, dark, cold, rainy, drink coffee and read in front of the fire place moods in one day.  Two days ago I was swimming at the beach snorkeling with my fish who I consider my friends, as they come right up to me like a friendly dog to be patted.

Friday, April 15, 2011

NYE Goals, Coming True?


A fair bit can happen in a week and only some of it I can write about, so the one thing I think I will write about is at New Years this year I wrote my goals down, I put them out there for the world to see, full of fear that I would not reach any of them like the years gone past.  But the strange thing is it looks like they are all coming true by April! Unheard of in my world.  They were all nearly to do with money and the things money can buy, so all the ones to do with money look they are going to happen.  I have been exercising but no really seen too many results so the body one which is totally within my control is not that far along.  But I have attracted new better people to my life so that one is defiantly done.
But the body one might be the next to fall, so then ALL will be done! AMAZING!
So lets indulge my money ones to start with.  My Jeep Jeep, that I love is cool but ageing, so I am thinking of buying a Mercedes ML 4WD.  I would do another Jeep, but even though the Mercedes cost twice as much new, no one seems to like them second hand so they make great buying as second hand cars, the Jeep would cost more than a Mercedes! Crazy stuff, but exciting for people like me who are into cars.  My other option is a Range Rover Vogue, a lot more money and I can afford it, but it is kind of my ultimate dream car and I don’t really want to go straight to it in one bound, as after owning one, where is there to go then?  It’s like buying a Ferrari, where is there to go after owning a Ferrari? The only way is down.

I could buy Australian and get a Ford Territory, but the thing with sensible choices is that everyone else is making them, so you can end up paying twice as much for a sensible car then a luxury one, because everyone is thinking the same way about being conservative when purchasing a car.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Strange Stories from the North Shore

 
I have a very nice female Dr. she is like a cool Greek woman, think Eddie off Ab Fab but at least this lady works.  She loves a good chat with me, I think because I am probably one of the few non druggies she has to see each day, working in Darlinghurst, which is the gay ghetto of Sydney.  Well she recently told me a very funny story, but when I told it to someone else they said it was weird and disturbing, but I just thought it was funny.
Her son is getting more and more distant, and both his parents are smart Doctors, and Phillip didn’t do well on his HSC results, he is 20 now and his mum is worried but he won’t talk to her.  She know lots of gay men from work so she knows about Grindr, so she bought Phillip an iphone and herself one and she has suspicions he is gay and withdrawn because of it.  She also has suspicions he aint real bright, or distracted, she doesn’t know why he has no drive and enthusiasm about anything.  So as a dare she decide to go on grindr under a fake photo and see if Phillip was on there,  and sure enough he shows up 50 meters away, i.e. in the same house, up stairs.  She told her a few female friends and a few gay ones and she decided she would try and find out what up with him in his world.  They live in Waroongah which is a very wealth leafy white area 20 kms from the city, so her son comes up on her grid every night.
So far she has asked him what he’s into, weather he does safe sex and how he feels about being gay.  No great break through; he seems just a lethargic on Grindr as every other part of his life.  She now thinks it might be pot, but she can’t ever smell it and he’s not after money, so maybe hes planning the next big terror attach from his bedroom, who knows.  She started to find it addictive because at least he was talking to her on here, so almost every night she would chat to him on Grindr.  One night she was drunk at a friend’s house and they went down the photo road, and he sent her cock photos, she was laughing so hard, she was showing her son’s cock around to her friends there, after all he is Greek and at least that was one thing he had going for him.  So now she has three women who are in on the joke but she doesn’t know when to break the news to him, not now, but in 2 years time might be too long for laugh factor, so she was asking me, what do I do from here? Do I keep talking to him, how do I get him motivated? When do I tell him that I played that joke on him?
She also found her nephew on there he lives in the same suburb, but she isn’t going to play a joke on him as she is afraid what her sister will do if she ever finds out.

PPPP = Potts Point Power Poof

Tom Ford Is The Ultimate Gentleman

I got this from this month’s DNA, Urban_Homo, whoever you are, you are one funny writer, I flip to the back every time DNA comes out just to read what things he’s been up to.
Some other funny ones from this month were HH@GP = Husband Hunting @ Green Park, which was the Sunday afternoon last chance to pick up a Sunday night shag spot for gay men in Sydney, until it moved to The Beresford and as Urban_Homo pointed out it is now called Jurassic Park as only old gay men go there now.  And he also pointed out that the Beresford clientele has also multiplied in number, grown in stature, increased in musculature and intensified in tannage.   Very witty but true, I have never seen such an Ice queen crowed and I don’t mean crystal meth, although they could be on that as well.  So good looking and yet they all stare down their noses at every one as though they were vegans in a butcher shop.  I thought I was ugly and inadequate there the first time, but I figured out a few weeks later that my look hadn’t suddenly slipped in status, it was this place was full of insecure people with low self esteem, who are extremely defensive, so they give of caustic vibes to scare people from seeing too deeply into their own fragile souls.  Low self esteem is good for making people look good because they become obsessive about going to the guy, clothes, haircuts, waxing, what they eat and low cal drinks, take drugs and dance all night and then don’t eat all the next day after their big night out.  Their motivation to be loved is very high, as they can’t love themselves.
But this reminds me of my own PPPP Potts Point Power Poof from many moons ago.  It took 3 week to actually meet up from first talking on the phone, and then when I offered to pick him up as his car had been crashed, he snapped at me because I wasn’t able to bring our meeting forward an hour with only 5 minutes notice, that should have warned me off, but I persisted due to the shear amount of work we had both put into meeting finally.  He was good looking and lived in the Sable Town Houses a very fashionable building in the power poofs hierarchy of building in the gay ghetto of Potts Point, but when we finally met, I noticed his eyes were very pin pointed and his speech although posh, was quick and not very audible.   He was 40 and distinguished  and had the big corporate career.  Our meeting had finally come together because he told me he was dying to be fucked, so I said yes as a way of finally meeting him.  That was a mistake, as no soon as he was on the bed begging to be abused, he had a brain snap and changed his mind and stormed out of my apartment throwing his clothes on saying, “it’s not you, I’ve just changed my mind.” Mmmmm, I think he was probably in crystal, that’s what he erratic never able get it together to meet was about and the eyes and the dying to be fucked. And maybe even the car crash.  Mr. Corporate big shot, hiding behind his money, career, suits, car and luxury apartment when all he really was, was a 40 year old with a drug habit and a good job.
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The Donkey and the Race Horse



I thought everyone knew this saying as it’s from Absolutely Fabulous, but my neighbor who was busily telling me about all her lawyer friends who all can’t find men hadn’t heard of it.  So maybe other people watch Ab Fab drunk and don’t remember much.  Her friends are big time high flyers in the Sydney law scene and none of them can find men.  But they are all after men who can match them in the shiny prestigious stakes, but two big time lawyers together, how would those egos fit under the one roof?  Who’s going to raise the children, the nanny?  It’s ok for women to have the big career, but this saying is about two race horses if stabled next to each other, kick the shit out of each other because they are both competitive in nature and high maintenance animals who need to always win.  Put a race horse next to a donkey and they will get on fine as the donkey doesn’t compete, it calms the horse down and makes it calm so it’s well rested for race day and performs better.
It’s saying that sometimes two shiny glamour’s people who like the spot light shouldn’t go after someone else who is going to also like the spot light.  Sometimes one person needs to decide that he is shiny enough for both of them and someone needs to decide that they want to help their partner be the shiny glamorous one and helping them be that is better than competing with each other.

Spirit Guide


Last week I went to see a spirit guide who was doing free 15 minute numerology readings etc at my massage clinic as part of a total wellness approach to health.  I booked me and BF in because I know he likes stuff like this, but BF couldn’t make it in his lunch hour so I went by myself.  I am only putting it up here because I reread my blogs sometimes, so it’s a place I will see it and remind me what to do this year.
1.        Shed all bad people from my life before next birthday or they will cause more trouble for me next year.
2.       Build business this year, year 8 is a power year so make the most of it.
3.       Don’t use injustices that other people have done to me as a reason that I can’t go on and be the fabulous person that I need to be, no one needs to be fully the person that they need to be more than me, so get on and do it, Like Gwen Stefani sings “What are you waiting for? You stupid hoe!”  Look at the middle east and see how many people have injustices done to them all the time, they still have to get on with their lives and mine are smaller issues than theirs, so deal and power on.
4.       Security and freedom are my two strongest motivators, so I need to satisfy both to be happy, which is hard.  My own business is good because that gives me the feeling of freedom and control of my life that I need.  I might need part time employment as well to stabilize irregular income from the business.  My numbers make me perfectly suited to building as I like using my hands.
5.       Don’t view relationships as “the one”.  People come in and out of my life for a reason and as far as partners go, staying together for security or longevity is not healthy, I should only be with someone for as long as we both want to be there.
6.       See a naturopath for a live blood test to see what I need to do to improve my health.
7.       I hold onto things too much.  I feel things very intensely but then hold onto them, I have to let things go for my own health, he said my lung problems were to do with emotionally not letting go of things people have done.
Number 5 really through me as I view relationships like marriage something to build and last and hold onto, but his view that every day he and his partner wake up happy to be there with each other and have openly talked about the need to let each other go once that stops being the case was truly shocking for me to hear.




Friday, April 8, 2011

The Gardener and the Flower


This saying is from Will & Grace where Will accuses Grace of being a total flower in relationships, she wants to be the pretty one who is worshiped by others who do all the work to maintain the relationship, the gardener.  Former bestie was a total flower but he couldn’t admit it.  Will says he is a gardener, very proud to put the work into people around him.  Grace doesn’t like being called lazy and selfish so she denies it, but then realizes she is a total flower in about 30 seconds.  I think I am a gardener, usually, but recently I think I am trying flower on for size.  BF loves me and tells me how wonderful I am all the time, and does very kind things for me.  It’s a nice change and I like it.
Grace says “ I am so a gardener, I hoe plenty”  Will says “being a hoe, doesn’t make you a gardener”  Which reminds me of another hoe joke.  Why don’t hip hop Americans like country music?  Because whenever they hear someone say “hoedown” they think someone just shot their sister.
But thats an aside, what I am wondering is if you are only going out with someone because they are good looking, people tell you are shallow, and its not worth the effort. I'll be honest here if I was seriously infactuated with someone I would probably put up with a bit of shit just to still be around them untill my crush wore off. But that is what a gardener is doing, he is doing all the work for someone pretty, and yet in that saying, the gardener is the good guy?  The flower is the lazy one who trades on their looks, but lets themselves be loved.  And yet if you choose someone because they are loving, society tells us that is a sessible decision.  So in fact the flower is the sesible one.  Doesn't really make sense does it.  But BF is loving to me, I feel like I might be a bad person sometimes beause I worry I might use him, but popular culture says that choosing a loving person over a sexy guy with a bad attitude is a better thing to do?

How Much is Too Much?


I read singleinthecity1.blogspot.com and I like single guy’s blogs, but he did one a little while ago about hitting the reset button to change to straight if you had the option would you do it?  My answer for most of my life would have been yes, but the last few months absolutely NO! I love being gay, I really do, I am so grateful for being me, I love it.  Single guys answer at the time was yes, maybe has was in a funk, I think he was, that blog was dark, I’m sure I will have those dark times in the future where it’s all too hard.
But driving around Yesterday I couldn’t help but think I pay a very big price for being gay.  No relationship until recently, so even though I have great sex, I have been alone with no support.  No financial support from family or emotional support from a partner or family, and most probably I will give up having children as well.  I have had no pooled finances or someone to care for me when I am sick or encourage me when I am down and discouraged.
The emotional and health toll of doing everything by myself is beginning to scare me.  What else am I going to sacrifice in the name of being true to myself?  Will I ever own a house?  Will I ever be financially secure without someone keeping me on track with my business or career?  How much money I am I going to spend to avoid loneliness or distraction or socializing?  Sure I have an amazing sex life unmatched by many people, and freedom to do what I can afford to, without other people saying no.  But I have no family support, no children, no one has my back (this is if I am single again) so all in all a big toll, and for what? Sex and so I can say I’m gay? Really is it worth it?

Dirty and Full of Shame




I had a practice run coming out on Wednesday night, my panel beater friend called me, he is friends with builder friend, so I thought why not tell panel beater now, and builder on the weekend.  Panel Beater was total cool about it, as I thought he would have been, he was kind and lovely.  But the next morning as I woke up, I woke up feeling dirty and very ashamed of who I am.  I think I had either been having an intense dream as I woke up or thinking bad thoughts in that restless half sleep.  I couldn’t shake that feeling for a while and it has really thrown me.  The experience the night before was liberating and positive, but two days later I still can’t shake that feeling about how I viewed myself waking up.  For some reason those negative shameful feelings seem more real, powerful and valid, to the point that I feel I am deceiving myself about “ gay is ok”, or more than ok, “it’s good to be gay”.  When I am awake I feel that, but in that half sleepy state where I couldn’t control where my mind went, I wasn’t safe from distressful shame.
Having a shower tonight I think I have gotten it sorted in my head what is going on.  I have overbearing religious parents who are 100% convinced that they are right on everything to do with moral judgments and decisions, what they believe is right, everyone else has failed to educate their moral conscience if there is a difference of opinion.  And their opinion is basically whatever the Pope says.  I have lived in the habit of trusting their views as wise and safe and true.  It was necessary when at home not to challenge them on anything as that meant be ostracized.  I think I still give my mum power over me as I think she is a cleaver woman in lots of ways so it’s had to trust her leadership sometimes, and call her on her bullshit other times.  But I guess that is what I need to do.  Stop thinking I am not as smart or well informed as her.  Just because she is cleaver and smart in lots of ways doesn’t mean she is write about gay people being against god’s natural plan.
I am going to trust myself and my views and decisions lots more from now on.  I will own the price of my decisions and I will reap the reward of my beliefs.
Tonight having a long hot shower I realized I have got to start trusting my own beliefs, I can’t keep acquiescing my intelligence to people with conservative religious views because I think they might be right.  I have to be strong, own my beliefs on gay stuff, not just when it’s easy and convenient.  I am really being challenged on just how strongly I believe in my gay identity, and gay peoples’ right to their love life.
But having said all this I only want to tell builder friend so I can stop lying to him, and after this experience of feeling dirty and being ashamed of myself, it’s taken the wind out of my sails, I am asking, “it can wait, what’s the rush?”

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

A Big Weekend Ahead, Coming Out to a School Friend


Below is a letter that I am going to give to a mate who is a builder, and a top bloke, who I have been telling my sexual adventures to, but changing them from men to women.  We went to school together, but have only really become good friends over the last 2 years.  When we started hanging out I was trying to be straight, hoping that I would be, so the lie continued, crunch time this weekend, time to stop 5 years of lies.  He is gorgous to look at, and a nice person so I find it nearly impossible to not fantasise about him liking me.

Ed,

I need to tell you something and I am doing it this way as I am finding it hard to tell you in person.  It’s eating me inside that I haven’t been able to do this earlier, but I think our friendship has grown to something pretty nice now and I tried to do it before you went away in November but you were so busy I couldn’t get a block of time with you to do it properly.
First of all I want to say I have been telling you a great big lie, and my guess is that you knew the truth all along, and I lied to you because I wanted your friendship, and 5 years ago when I hardly knew you I didn’t know that we would end up as close as we are now.  I have always thought that you would have been cool about anything I told you, so my lying was absolutely about my issues and insecurities, not because I didn’t trust you.
So the thing I need to tell you is I am gay.  I have been battling coming to terms with it for a while and I guess I have only really owned it the last 6 months.
I have always found guys hot, but I liked women as well so I thought if I meet the right girl I would go down the easy path and make it work with a girl.  It is incredibly easy to get sex in the gay world, so nearly all my sexual activity has been with guys.  But I never used to get close to them emotionally and only liked women for intimacy.  But that has changed recently and I am finding that I am able to be emotionally close with guys as well now.
I’m still not sure which way my life with go in the end, but at this point of time I think it is heading down the gay path, and regardless if I do end up with a women I can’t keep seeing guys and telling you that they are women.
I am so sorry I lied to you for so long, I guess you can understand why I did, my parents are homophobic and never love me for who I am, so I have gotten into the habit of showing people a version of me that I think that they will like best.  I also didn’t know how gay tolerant your friends would be so I thought it best to stay in the closet around them for your sake and to make it easier for me to fit in.  I am only out to my close friends and I defiantly see you as one of them.   
I case you were wondering yes I did have a big crush on you for a long time, but I feel safe in telling you this now because you mean way more to me as a friend then as a good looking sexy guy.  I still think you are a beautiful man, but who you are as a person is what makes you truly sexy and attractive.