Sudden Life Change

Some thing has happened out of the blue that has changed everything.  I have decided to leave Sydney in a hurry for at least 6 different big reasons.  I really didnt see this coming and I am shocked and only semi getting my head around what has just happened.

After being sick for another month with a chest infection again, something inside of me broke, I had no fight left, I couldn't go on fighting for my life here.  I added up I have been sick for 16 out of the last 32 months with chest infections, and taking away the stress of being in business and finicial stress are the only 2 things left I can do to stop getting sick.
I don't know why this has happened to me, but I feel I going to get some answers one day.  Business was not good enough to warrant staying here, and I saw no point in getting a job.  I am actually looking forward to the change now, I have a family business that needs urgent attention interstate, so I thought I might as well do it from the farm as opposed to trying to travel interstate every weekend.

I have been fretting about leaving my guy, I actually havent told him yet.  But im sure he means more to me than me to him, so I would be surprised if I got much reaction from him.  I have been working on making myself strong, because he is a source of my strength, and I havent really known how to deal with me needing him, and him only liking me, not needing me.
A numerolist told me I have just clicked over into year 1, so its good im making massive changes to get rid of the energy for the last 9 year cycal, which frankly, has hurt like hell, and I never want another decade like that ever again.

So my plan is, move home,  lose the rest of the fat, get super hot and become massive heart breaker material, sell family farm, inheriate fortune, travel for a while, move back to sydney finacially well off and go back into business properly funded if thats where I feel I want to live after traveling.

I have a plan about my guy as well, I realised that because of my decade of misfortune I am so used to being a loser, that I have no winner identity in me.  He is a total winner, because as he says he has never once had a hardship in his life. Life would need to unsettle his good fortune for him to start to need me, or I am going to have to out perform him in the superfiality stakes.  This is my next challenge create the aura of a winner.  I really hope life is going to stop kicking the shit out of me, and for some reason I think it is going to get better!

I do feel that I am going to get what I want, I really think I deserve it, but I am struggling with the waiting.  I am not doing at all well waiting to feel better about myself, or for him to start needing me.
I am sitting at home now wondering why do I have to carry this pain in me? why must I go through this.  Why is it so hard, for him to need me.  I understand why things are the way they are between us, but why is it me who has to carry the burden.  I dont know what to do about the pain, I hurts, so much and I dont understand why, or the point.

I have deleted grindr to get ready for the country life where there is no point being on it.  With out constant distraction, the pain comes settling in... the unhappiness I have in my life is pressing on my chest.  I have no idea what its about or where it came from, but the stillness is making me squirm with pain.

hot-couple-web-cam-show

hot-couple-web-cam-show

Show Down at the OKay Coral

after being sick for month, Cabin fever had set in.  Needed a night out, all possible party buddies were out of town so I had to go it alone.  A randon invited me to the beresford so I thought I would chance it.  Afraid of seeing my guy out with his friends, and me with non, was on my mind, and sure enough as soon as I walked in the door he was there, friendly but aloof, drug aloof I think. Made a friend there, than his best friend decieded she liked my new friend and started chasing her.  So I ended up having my first ever night out with him and met most of his friends.  He was so fun to watch, the reasons I like him were there infront of me.  He ignored me all the night, so I spent it getting to know his best friend I think I did a good job winning her over, Ill need her on side.  There was a straight first grade football player there chasing her, but as she is in a lesbian phase she wasnt really interested, so he would come over to me and get me to kiss his neck, and give him a hickie!  He wanted a hickie off me.... it was very sexy.  Later in the night the drugs he was on must have been wearing off, because I kissed him again and stuck my tounge in his ear..... he didnt like it and acted pissed off! oops.

There is a darkness in my guy.  Im learning to deal with it.  He is an idiot. But he makes my life better than anyone else.....so my next step is to try and replicate the way he relates to the world, because the way he has set up his life, and interacts with the world works.... it really does.  He is the centre of his own universe, and I look for other people to make mine.  I need to copy what he does, because it is attractive, people are drawn to a self centered energy, it makes me and others feel that he is adding your world.  Left the club at 7 am with out him.  He will be a fool to let me get away.  I have learnt so much off him.  I hope he is smart enough to learn to lose the darkness, I can help him with that.  Im not sure he is learning off me, but maybe he is.  Ive lost 15 kg.  I am getting seriously hot.  I managing to full profession athletes now. Two people told me that I am the hottest guy they have even seen in their life, in the one day.  After another 10 kg to go, and when I have finished copying the things I like about him, It will be time to move on if he hasnt learnt to be loving.  The clock is ticking for both of us

The Education of Cassius Forrest

Its been a long time between posts, so I will get you up to date briefly.

We hit a sweet period sleeping over lots and dinners etc.  I was scared it was because his birthday was coming up and just wanted to be spoilt. I did spoil him.  I'm glad I did, it showed him who I am,  but I didn't get what I wanted from it, he doesnt lie, and said he didn't want a relationship, just liked me, wanted to have me in his life, and thought I was super decent.
After one final dinner with some of my friends I decided not to text him any more, I was up to him to decided he wanted me.  I was right he didn't make any effort.  We would occaionally chat.
He then did something that really pissed me off we went to lunch with my brother without letting me know.  I was so annoyed I went and had lunch at his brothers restaurant the next day and met his brother, it made me feel much better.  He messed with my head alot and I got very down about not being loved back the way I wanted to be.
Then on Christmas he spent a few hours with me, having rough kinky sex, so I find it interesting he spent his birthday and christmas with me.

I saw him the day after with a female friend of mine, who really didn't like him.
the next night we saw each other in Arq and I choose to igonor him.  I'm gald I did.  But I noticed that his friends didn't look very glamorous, and are perhaps a pack of druggie loosers.  He is overseas now on a drug holiday, and I am very happy with things.  I think I have found the first chink in his armor.  I think I have found what his attraction to me is based,  I am a fucking classy guy, and think he has figured out he will never met another guy like me.  I can see big problems on the horizon for us.  He would have to ditch all of his friendship group for us to be able to move on.  Finally I have something  on him.  My friends are off the ritcher scale better people than what his look like.

I never knew why a sexy guy with a six pack was wanting to fuck with me. I was 128 kg when we first met.  I am down to 117, I have lost 11 kg in 3 months.  I still have a fair bit to go.

Im lucky I have a killer face, a real hollywood movie star face, that people go ape shit for, and my body is very mascaline, very manly, big shoulder, big legs, huge balls, best arse in Sydney, well proportioned and athletic.

And then peace and calm came to me.  I have a sexy porn star fuck bud, who I get along with very well, who keeps coming back for more.  Why am I whinging???  Sure I want more.  but hey buddy I am a big fatty, I should be greatful for how much attention he gives me and the way he loves me.

he has taught me so many lessons these last 4 months.  How to throw away food was first, how to keep my apartment clean and stream lined, how to not get depressed and chase down what I want from life.  He has motivated me to get fit.

A sexy past fuck bud told me he wasn't attracted to me because I was not fit and too nice.  He wants a bad boy.  I realise now that I am going to have to turn myself into a mountain to climb for my guy to want to own this.  He has made him self into a mountain for me, and I feel lucky to have him, but I was a push over for him.  Hopefully in two months I can be in the weight range I want to be.  Then with body confidence will come the attitude to go with it.  Then hopefully he will realise what he has in front of him.  He is a big game player, I am going to have to learn a few of my own to keep him interested.
People are already offereing me money for sex, its so funny, being seen as a hotty.  My brain has gone into over drive, I need to fuck with my guys head, but im still not sure how yet.