Spirit Guide

Last week I went to see a spirit guide who was doing free 15 minute numerology readings etc at my massage clinic as part of a total wellness approach to health.  I booked me and BF in because I know he likes stuff like this, but BF couldn’t make it in his lunch hour so I went by myself.  I am only putting it up here because I reread my blogs sometimes, so it’s a place I will see it and remind me what to do this year.

1.        Shed all bad people from my life before next birthday or they will cause more trouble for me next year.

2.       Build business this year, year 8 is a power year so make the most of it.

3.       Don’t use injustices that other people have done to me as a reason that I can’t go on and be the fabulous person that I need to be, no one needs to be fully the person that they need to be more than me, so get on and do it, Like Gwen Stefani sings “What are you waiting for? You stupid hoe!”  Look at the middle east and see how many people have injustices done to them all the time, they still have to get on with their lives and mine are smaller issues than theirs, so deal and power on.

4.       Security and freedom are my two strongest motivators, so I need to satisfy both to be happy, which is hard.  My own business is good because that gives me the feeling of freedom and control of my life that I need.  I might need part time employment as well to stabilize irregular income from the business.  My numbers make me perfectly suited to building as I like using my hands.

5.       Don’t view relationships as “the one”.  People come in and out of my life for a reason and as far as partners go, staying together for security or longevity is not healthy, I should only be with someone for as long as we both want to be there.

6.       See a naturopath for a live blood test to see what I need to do to improve my health.

7.       I hold onto things too much.  I feel things very intensely but then hold onto them, I have to let things go for my own health, he said my lung problems were to do with emotionally not letting go of things people have done.

Number 5 really through me as I view relationships like marriage something to build and last and hold onto, but his view that every day he and his partner wake up happy to be there with each other and have openly talked about the need to let each other go once that stops being the case was truly shocking for me to hear.

The Gardener and the Flower

This saying is from Will & Grace where Will accuses Grace of being a total flower in relationships, she wants to be the pretty one who is worshiped by others who do all the work to maintain the relationship, the gardener.  Former bestie was a total flower but he couldn’t admit it.  Will says he is a gardener, very proud to put the work into people around him.  Grace doesn’t like being called lazy and selfish so she denies it, but then realizes she is a total flower in about 30 seconds.  I think I am a gardener, usually, but recently I think I am trying flower on for size.  BF loves me and tells me how wonderful I am all the time, and does very kind things for me.  It’s a nice change and I like it.

Grace says “ I am so a gardener, I hoe plenty”  Will says “being a hoe, doesn’t make you a gardener”  Which reminds me of another hoe joke.  Why don’t hip hop Americans like country music?  Because whenever they hear someone say “hoedown” they think someone just shot their sister.

But thats an aside, what I am wondering is if you are only going out with someone because they are good looking, people tell you are shallow, and its not worth the effort. I'll be honest here if I was seriously infactuated with someone I would probably put up with a bit of shit just to still be around them untill my crush wore off. But that is what a gardener is doing, he is doing all the work for someone pretty, and yet in that saying, the gardener is the good guy?  The flower is the lazy one who trades on their looks, but lets themselves be loved.  And yet if you choose someone because they are loving, society tells us that is a sessible decision.  So in fact the flower is the sesible one.  Doesn't really make sense does it.  But BF is loving to me, I feel like I might be a bad person sometimes beause I worry I might use him, but popular culture says that choosing a loving person over a sexy guy with a bad attitude is a better thing to do?

How Much is Too Much?

I read singleinthecity1.blogspot.com and I like single guy’s blogs, but he did one a little while ago about hitting the reset button to change to straight if you had the option would you do it?  My answer for most of my life would have been yes, but the last few months absolutely NO! I love being gay, I really do, I am so grateful for being me, I love it.  Single guys answer at the time was yes, maybe has was in a funk, I think he was, that blog was dark, I’m sure I will have those dark times in the future where it’s all too hard.

But driving around Yesterday I couldn’t help but think I pay a very big price for being gay.  No relationship until recently, so even though I have great sex, I have been alone with no support.  No financial support from family or emotional support from a partner or family, and most probably I will give up having children as well.  I have had no pooled finances or someone to care for me when I am sick or encourage me when I am down and discouraged.

The emotional and health toll of doing everything by myself is beginning to scare me.  What else am I going to sacrifice in the name of being true to myself?  Will I ever own a house?  Will I ever be financially secure without someone keeping me on track with my business or career?  How much money I am I going to spend to avoid loneliness or distraction or socializing?  Sure I have an amazing sex life unmatched by many people, and freedom to do what I can afford to, without other people saying no.  But I have no family support, no children, no one has my back (this is if I am single again) so all in all a big toll, and for what? Sex and so I can say I’m gay? Really is it worth it?

Dirty and Full of Shame

I had a practice run coming out on Wednesday night, my panel beater friend called me, he is friends with builder friend, so I thought why not tell panel beater now, and builder on the weekend.  Panel Beater was total cool about it, as I thought he would have been, he was kind and lovely.  But the next morning as I woke up, I woke up feeling dirty and very ashamed of who I am.  I think I had either been having an intense dream as I woke up or thinking bad thoughts in that restless half sleep.  I couldn’t shake that feeling for a while and it has really thrown me.  The experience the night before was liberating and positive, but two days later I still can’t shake that feeling about how I viewed myself waking up.  For some reason those negative shameful feelings seem more real, powerful and valid, to the point that I feel I am deceiving myself about “ gay is ok”, or more than ok, “it’s good to be gay”.  When I am awake I feel that, but in that half sleepy state where I couldn’t control where my mind went, I wasn’t safe from distressful shame.

Having a shower tonight I think I have gotten it sorted in my head what is going on.  I have overbearing religious parents who are 100% convinced that they are right on everything to do with moral judgments and decisions, what they believe is right, everyone else has failed to educate their moral conscience if there is a difference of opinion.  And their opinion is basically whatever the Pope says.  I have lived in the habit of trusting their views as wise and safe and true.  It was necessary when at home not to challenge them on anything as that meant be ostracized.  I think I still give my mum power over me as I think she is a cleaver woman in lots of ways so it’s had to trust her leadership sometimes, and call her on her bullshit other times.  But I guess that is what I need to do.  Stop thinking I am not as smart or well informed as her.  Just because she is cleaver and smart in lots of ways doesn’t mean she is write about gay people being against god’s natural plan.

I am going to trust myself and my views and decisions lots more from now on.  I will own the price of my decisions and I will reap the reward of my beliefs.

Tonight having a long hot shower I realized I have got to start trusting my own beliefs, I can’t keep acquiescing my intelligence to people with conservative religious views because I think they might be right.  I have to be strong, own my beliefs on gay stuff, not just when it’s easy and convenient.  I am really being challenged on just how strongly I believe in my gay identity, and gay peoples’ right to their love life.

But having said all this I only want to tell builder friend so I can stop lying to him, and after this experience of feeling dirty and being ashamed of myself, it’s taken the wind out of my sails, I am asking, “it can wait, what’s the rush?”

A Big Weekend Ahead, Coming Out to a School Friend

Below is a letter that I am going to give to a mate who is a builder, and a top bloke, who I have been telling my sexual adventures to, but changing them from men to women.  We went to school together, but have only really become good friends over the last 2 years.  When we started hanging out I was trying to be straight, hoping that I would be, so the lie continued, crunch time this weekend, time to stop 5 years of lies.  He is gorgous to look at, and a nice person so I find it nearly impossible to not fantasise about him liking me.

Ed,

I need to tell you something and I am doing it this way as I am finding it hard to tell you in person.  It’s eating me inside that I haven’t been able to do this earlier, but I think our friendship has grown to something pretty nice now and I tried to do it before you went away in November but you were so busy I couldn’t get a block of time with you to do it properly.

First of all I want to say I have been telling you a great big lie, and my guess is that you knew the truth all along, and I lied to you because I wanted your friendship, and 5 years ago when I hardly knew you I didn’t know that we would end up as close as we are now.  I have always thought that you would have been cool about anything I told you, so my lying was absolutely about my issues and insecurities, not because I didn’t trust you.

So the thing I need to tell you is I am gay.  I have been battling coming to terms with it for a while and I guess I have only really owned it the last 6 months.

I have always found guys hot, but I liked women as well so I thought if I meet the right girl I would go down the easy path and make it work with a girl.  It is incredibly easy to get sex in the gay world, so nearly all my sexual activity has been with guys.  But I never used to get close to them emotionally and only liked women for intimacy.  But that has changed recently and I am finding that I am able to be emotionally close with guys as well now.

I’m still not sure which way my life with go in the end, but at this point of time I think it is heading down the gay path, and regardless if I do end up with a women I can’t keep seeing guys and telling you that they are women.

I am so sorry I lied to you for so long, I guess you can understand why I did, my parents are homophobic and never love me for who I am, so I have gotten into the habit of showing people a version of me that I think that they will like best.  I also didn’t know how gay tolerant your friends would be so I thought it best to stay in the closet around them for your sake and to make it easier for me to fit in.  I am only out to my close friends and I defiantly see you as one of them.   

I case you were wondering yes I did have a big crush on you for a long time, but I feel safe in telling you this now because you mean way more to me as a friend then as a good looking sexy guy.  I still think you are a beautiful man, but who you are as a person is what makes you truly sexy and attractive.

Gwen, I Love You

Short one tonight, No Doubt was my favorite band as a teenager, and Gwen I love your style, dance moves, rock chic attitude, in short I love you.  My life has felt like I have fallen down the rabbit hole last month, being in love, trying to let someone close to me for the first time, sex with the same person more than once, its all blowing my mind.  I am sick today, and home down loading itunes like a crazy person, my credit card bounce last night, so I had go and by an iTunes card so I could keep going, but as long as you have enough for one song you can keep down loading, I had $1.89 on my card and it was enought to get 20 songs out of iTunes before it blocked me.  I always get anxious before I get sick so maybe that was part of what was going on over the last few days.



The other really cool thing about Gwen's lattest stuff is she has this really cool multicultural thing going on, all her cool asian dancing girls, Eve as her best friend is black, then there are the Jamacian rappers and hip hop dancers, her clips look like the world should, every one getting on and having fun making the most of life, being as cool as we can be in our own unquine ways.  The thing I like about her using the Asian girls and black dancers is its all so positive, they aren't trying to be white, they are who they are, but in a really really cool way, she lets the asian girls steal the show in a lot of her film clips, she doesn't use them as backup dancers, they are the stars and she is their support, very few stars get big enough and smart enough to let other people run riot in their film clips.

A Server Case of Buyers Remorse

I am having the same feeling about what I have gotten myself into, as when we I know I have spent money and bought something I shouldn’t have wasted money on.  In short I am feeling extremely anxious….. Anxiety Is Me, would be a good name for a shop that I was sold in, if I was a product.  I have been having rising anxiety over the last few days, and it isn’t going away, it’s still building towards I don’t know what.  I am doing my best to surf it, like a giant wave in a surf competition  I’m riding that mother fucker the best  I can and hope I win and don’t come a cropper.  I don’t really think it’s anything to do with BF, he is still great and wonderful, it’s me, and my response to my changed circumstances.  I used to have all available free time to think and process thoughts and feeling and plan my life and clean and do things that give me a sense of control and direction.

I feel like I got on a plane to Russia in an ecstasy fuel drug high, partied in Moscow in the freezing snow high off my chops, hanging with the Russian Mafia and super models doing copious amount of cocaine and unprotected sex, did a few lines with Boris Yelsin and Vladimir Putin , got in a tank drove round Red Square, tried to run over a few people, shot a hand gun into the sky and night, did a few acts of pointless vandalism, and slowly my drug fueled party bender is wearing off, and I’m beginning to remember, what I did, not unhappy about what I got up to, but shit a month’s gone past and I now live in Russia?  WTF it’s been fun and all, but didn’t I used to live in Sydney?

This is how disconnected I am feeling towards having someone special in my life.  He is great, kind, fun, loving and doesn’t annoy me in the slightest.  He doesn’t have mood swings, he in generous, sensible and just plain easy to be around.  We went out last night and I loved the time I spent with him.  It’s when I’m not with him I start to get anxious.  I don’t think its separation anxiety, I’ve been single my whole life, it’s nothing like that, it’s just the way I used to approach the world was one way and now its different.  I did a few things that single me used to do over the last few nights, and its not that I had this great life when I was single, its just it was a routine of sorts, and now I’m in the middle of a new routine and its shocking my system quiet severely.

When I was younger and I got this anxious feeling I thought it was because I was doing something evil and wrong by being gay, I thought the anxiety was because I was sinning.  That’s what the church I went to taught me.  I would have run in the past because I would have thought the only way I’m going to defeat this feeling is to stop doing what I’m doing and stop seeing this guy.  But luckily I don’t believe that any more, I now think the anxiety is from a dramatic change in my personal circumstances, it’s kind of evil and bad how churches use people’s anxiety to control them and shape them into what they want them to believe.