Club Training

I am blessed with 5 beautiful female friends with beautiful voices, one of them lives in Canberra and today we rehearsed all day two different sets for her to perform at my new club.  She was totally amazing.  I am actually very excited how far we could go.  Her voice and my brains.  Her song choice was terrible, with out me she wouldn't go very far, and I own the club I can promote her very well.

Ive been practicing living in the present and surrendering my ego to the present moment.  Apparently this where all gift and graces come from, surrendering your will about what you want  the future to be, and just living in the now is where all happiness comes from.  Been battling letting go of my Bondi Boy, but I surrendered and this morning I had the most beautiful dream where he was happy and had joy in his heart.  This was the one thing I wanted for him, and I was upset that I wasn't able to help him find it.  But I think this dream was my gift, I could finally see what he would be like with joy  and happiness, and I think now that I have see it, I can help him find it.  Not sure how yet, but then today his drug dealer phoned me and said "im in Canberra lets hang out" If I can help her change her life, than maybe she will help him, I hope this is true.  I am probably the only friend she has who doesn't use her to supply drugs, this should make her trust me I think, and look to see where I get my happiness from, and maybe copy me.

I told a very hot Leb Architect in Lebanon that he can come and live with me, to see If we want to live together permantly.  Scary, because we are just facebook friends we have never met, but life is short time to through caution to the wind, I have no dating option here in Canberra, and I am very happy here, so I can help a gay arab have a chance at life with me and in Australia.

Seeing a therapist, and she thinks all the catholic guilt bull shit I was brought up with is making me sick, will be interesting to see if this true.

Came out to my mother and she hasn't talked to me in two weeks.  I might be homeless in two weeks, but I don't worry, I just stay in the present and trust something will work out.

Ive been incredibly sick for 6 weeks, so I have just been meditating on the pain and practising surrendering to the moment, not much else I could do.
Been reading heal your self, the spiritual meaning of illness, interesting read.  Its interesting pondering that all physical illness are related to the spiritual and emotional world,

I think perhaps my biggest news is that I have reprogramed myself from thinking the world is a bad miserable place, as I was taught as a child, will be interesting to see if this belief was causing my illness.... 3 years of illness.

Rebirth

After I completely fell apart, my life in Sydney that is, I was running 15km a day around centernial park crying my eyes out over leaving my bondi boy behind, on top of that I was closing my business, I had been abandond by my family, I was sick, I lost my apartment and I was leaving behind Sydney when I had been very happy here, and only a few months before I left I had made some amazing support successful friends who had been there for me, and had shown me how good life can be with the right friends.

I arrived in Canberra to live and be looked after by my Aunt and Uncle as my health has completely gone on me and I need 6 months to get better.

I was training hard and getting better but now my right lung has colapsed and I have been in and out of hospital.  On top of all of this, I was being harrassed by the lawyer who owned the apartment I lived in, and I owed a builder money, I was feeling terrible.

But on the flip side, I met an amazing guy who told me about "A New Earth" by Ekart Tolle, It has completely changed my life, and if are interested type "A New Earth Oprah" in google and whatch her pod cast about this book, truly life changing stuff.


Basically its about finding inspiration from with in, not from external sources, so by not thinking, but meditation and being in the present moment, aware of your body, all true inpiration flows, the source of all your power.  I has worked for me.

I was at dinner with 3 developers, one worth 800 mill, another 400 mill and another 200 mill, and they all asked me for my phone number because they thought I was awesome fun!, 4 people asked me to manage their restraunts and I am opening a brand new night club with some one, for 300 people its, really big and is going to totally amazing, live Ivy in Sydney.... these oportunites found me.

My Bondi Boy has had his first taste of disappointment, what he totally needed, as he has always gotten every thing he wanted from life, and needs suffering to grow as a person.
I was feeling validated about my feelings for him, and that I wasnt stupid for liking him, like my friends all say I am, But today he was as cold as ice to me on the phone and he totally shook my confidence in beliving that he is loving under the bull shit exterior he puts up towards me, to stop himself from falling in love.
So I meditated on it, as all pain helps u grow through meditation, is my new belief, no answers yet, other than only time will prove him one way all the other.
Other opportunties that found me were, a famous business man tracked me down to have lunch with me, I mean like super famous, I was so flattered by this, Canberra's best looking guy asked me to be his training partner at Cross Fit, I was very happy about that, and Canberra hottest gay guy and I are now best friends, we talk every day and hang out ever weekend,  This guy is so hot, and my type, a butch lebo bottom, he is in the Army, and I think possibly SAS or special opps, because I can just tell he is secrative about he actually does.  We were dating, but he put me in the friend zone, it pisses me off as I don;t like anyone else down here, but I can't do anything about it, other than meditate.  It was good to feel something for some one other than the Bondi boy..... I wonder what life has instore for me next.

Sudden Life Change

Some thing has happened out of the blue that has changed everything.  I have decided to leave Sydney in a hurry for at least 6 different big reasons.  I really didnt see this coming and I am shocked and only semi getting my head around what has just happened.

After being sick for another month with a chest infection again, something inside of me broke, I had no fight left, I couldn't go on fighting for my life here.  I added up I have been sick for 16 out of the last 32 months with chest infections, and taking away the stress of being in business and finicial stress are the only 2 things left I can do to stop getting sick.
I don't know why this has happened to me, but I feel I going to get some answers one day.  Business was not good enough to warrant staying here, and I saw no point in getting a job.  I am actually looking forward to the change now, I have a family business that needs urgent attention interstate, so I thought I might as well do it from the farm as opposed to trying to travel interstate every weekend.

I have been fretting about leaving my guy, I actually havent told him yet.  But im sure he means more to me than me to him, so I would be surprised if I got much reaction from him.  I have been working on making myself strong, because he is a source of my strength, and I havent really known how to deal with me needing him, and him only liking me, not needing me.
A numerolist told me I have just clicked over into year 1, so its good im making massive changes to get rid of the energy for the last 9 year cycal, which frankly, has hurt like hell, and I never want another decade like that ever again.

So my plan is, move home,  lose the rest of the fat, get super hot and become massive heart breaker material, sell family farm, inheriate fortune, travel for a while, move back to sydney finacially well off and go back into business properly funded if thats where I feel I want to live after traveling.

I have a plan about my guy as well, I realised that because of my decade of misfortune I am so used to being a loser, that I have no winner identity in me.  He is a total winner, because as he says he has never once had a hardship in his life. Life would need to unsettle his good fortune for him to start to need me, or I am going to have to out perform him in the superfiality stakes.  This is my next challenge create the aura of a winner.  I really hope life is going to stop kicking the shit out of me, and for some reason I think it is going to get better!

I do feel that I am going to get what I want, I really think I deserve it, but I am struggling with the waiting.  I am not doing at all well waiting to feel better about myself, or for him to start needing me.
I am sitting at home now wondering why do I have to carry this pain in me? why must I go through this.  Why is it so hard, for him to need me.  I understand why things are the way they are between us, but why is it me who has to carry the burden.  I dont know what to do about the pain, I hurts, so much and I dont understand why, or the point.

I have deleted grindr to get ready for the country life where there is no point being on it.  With out constant distraction, the pain comes settling in... the unhappiness I have in my life is pressing on my chest.  I have no idea what its about or where it came from, but the stillness is making me squirm with pain.

hot-couple-web-cam-show

hot-couple-web-cam-show

Show Down at the OKay Coral

after being sick for month, Cabin fever had set in.  Needed a night out, all possible party buddies were out of town so I had to go it alone.  A randon invited me to the beresford so I thought I would chance it.  Afraid of seeing my guy out with his friends, and me with non, was on my mind, and sure enough as soon as I walked in the door he was there, friendly but aloof, drug aloof I think. Made a friend there, than his best friend decieded she liked my new friend and started chasing her.  So I ended up having my first ever night out with him and met most of his friends.  He was so fun to watch, the reasons I like him were there infront of me.  He ignored me all the night, so I spent it getting to know his best friend I think I did a good job winning her over, Ill need her on side.  There was a straight first grade football player there chasing her, but as she is in a lesbian phase she wasnt really interested, so he would come over to me and get me to kiss his neck, and give him a hickie!  He wanted a hickie off me.... it was very sexy.  Later in the night the drugs he was on must have been wearing off, because I kissed him again and stuck my tounge in his ear..... he didnt like it and acted pissed off! oops.

There is a darkness in my guy.  Im learning to deal with it.  He is an idiot. But he makes my life better than anyone else.....so my next step is to try and replicate the way he relates to the world, because the way he has set up his life, and interacts with the world works.... it really does.  He is the centre of his own universe, and I look for other people to make mine.  I need to copy what he does, because it is attractive, people are drawn to a self centered energy, it makes me and others feel that he is adding your world.  Left the club at 7 am with out him.  He will be a fool to let me get away.  I have learnt so much off him.  I hope he is smart enough to learn to lose the darkness, I can help him with that.  Im not sure he is learning off me, but maybe he is.  Ive lost 15 kg.  I am getting seriously hot.  I managing to full profession athletes now. Two people told me that I am the hottest guy they have even seen in their life, in the one day.  After another 10 kg to go, and when I have finished copying the things I like about him, It will be time to move on if he hasnt learnt to be loving.  The clock is ticking for both of us

The Education of Cassius Forrest

Its been a long time between posts, so I will get you up to date briefly.

We hit a sweet period sleeping over lots and dinners etc.  I was scared it was because his birthday was coming up and just wanted to be spoilt. I did spoil him.  I'm glad I did, it showed him who I am,  but I didn't get what I wanted from it, he doesnt lie, and said he didn't want a relationship, just liked me, wanted to have me in his life, and thought I was super decent.
After one final dinner with some of my friends I decided not to text him any more, I was up to him to decided he wanted me.  I was right he didn't make any effort.  We would occaionally chat.
He then did something that really pissed me off we went to lunch with my brother without letting me know.  I was so annoyed I went and had lunch at his brothers restaurant the next day and met his brother, it made me feel much better.  He messed with my head alot and I got very down about not being loved back the way I wanted to be.
Then on Christmas he spent a few hours with me, having rough kinky sex, so I find it interesting he spent his birthday and christmas with me.

I saw him the day after with a female friend of mine, who really didn't like him.
the next night we saw each other in Arq and I choose to igonor him.  I'm gald I did.  But I noticed that his friends didn't look very glamorous, and are perhaps a pack of druggie loosers.  He is overseas now on a drug holiday, and I am very happy with things.  I think I have found the first chink in his armor.  I think I have found what his attraction to me is based,  I am a fucking classy guy, and think he has figured out he will never met another guy like me.  I can see big problems on the horizon for us.  He would have to ditch all of his friendship group for us to be able to move on.  Finally I have something  on him.  My friends are off the ritcher scale better people than what his look like.

I never knew why a sexy guy with a six pack was wanting to fuck with me. I was 128 kg when we first met.  I am down to 117, I have lost 11 kg in 3 months.  I still have a fair bit to go.

Im lucky I have a killer face, a real hollywood movie star face, that people go ape shit for, and my body is very mascaline, very manly, big shoulder, big legs, huge balls, best arse in Sydney, well proportioned and athletic.

And then peace and calm came to me.  I have a sexy porn star fuck bud, who I get along with very well, who keeps coming back for more.  Why am I whinging???  Sure I want more.  but hey buddy I am a big fatty, I should be greatful for how much attention he gives me and the way he loves me.

he has taught me so many lessons these last 4 months.  How to throw away food was first, how to keep my apartment clean and stream lined, how to not get depressed and chase down what I want from life.  He has motivated me to get fit.

A sexy past fuck bud told me he wasn't attracted to me because I was not fit and too nice.  He wants a bad boy.  I realise now that I am going to have to turn myself into a mountain to climb for my guy to want to own this.  He has made him self into a mountain for me, and I feel lucky to have him, but I was a push over for him.  Hopefully in two months I can be in the weight range I want to be.  Then with body confidence will come the attitude to go with it.  Then hopefully he will realise what he has in front of him.  He is a big game player, I am going to have to learn a few of my own to keep him interested.
People are already offereing me money for sex, its so funny, being seen as a hotty.  My brain has gone into over drive, I need to fuck with my guys head, but im still not sure how yet.

Don't Get Angry At Him, Fix Yourself

So to catch you up on whats been going on.  In the middle of the sexy fucking week I had a few weeks ago, someone contacted me online to do porn for their website, I told my Bondi boy in attempt to make him focus on me, but instead he told me he had already made porn, and loved it! and is very proud of the porn he made.  So instead I ended up feeling jealous.  If we were sleeping together every night, it would be different, but seeing as it had been 4 weeks and no sex..... I was feeling neglected and stupid.

A week after that it had got to 5 weeks no sex and I was over it.  Talk every day while he was at work, but never made any time for me weekdays or weekends.  I was very upset about being rejected.  He then out of the blue made contact about a business matter.  We went to dinner that night, and it all come out, he is a massive druggie.  I conluded that he probably had been telling the truth when he said he liked me, but drugs just made him happier than me, so thats where he put his time and energy.  I was slightly relieved at not being rejected... but drugs are not good.  He really wanted to met my brother for business reasons, and I had my own reasons for wanting him to meet my brother, mainly to make my brother think about choices he has made in his life, persueing money and a stable older man, in my eyes not love.

Well that dinner went like a dream! I have never been at such a wonderful dinner in my life.  He was so charming and sexy, no hollywood film has ever made a movie with a scene as good the dinner I sat through with my sort of BF metting my gay brother and making that brother so jealous of who I was dating!! it was fantastic! and I found myself falling in love with him even more.  After dinner I drove him home and dropped him off and he sent me a text thanking me for letting him met my Brother.
I wrote back
"Happy to help, you are super fun to hang with, but I hope you realise I really like you, and I hope you feel the same way about me."
He never replied at all.

I made up my mind that night that I could no longer like a guy who was ambivilant about me.  So I did the ever so painful walk away.  I ignored him for two weeks. That night I started to get sick with a lung infection and I have been extreemly sick and my asthma has come back in a huge way.  The steriods im on for my lungs are strong and make me depressed.  So I have been sick, breathless, dumped and depressed.... a pretty shit combination.
I was so sick I became delirious, and had a very vivid vision with him with me at my time of death, the message being take him seriously he will stick by you for 50 years and not desert you.  When I woke from my vision I gave in and texted "how you been?" to him.  He orgaised for us to meet up straight way the next night.  I was happy to be seeing him again, and I had been having massive 4 hour coughing fits every day.  When I left his apartment the next morning I realised we had been in bed together for 11 hours and I hadn't coughed once...... I was totally shocked at this.  Was he possibly really that good for me.
He made more of an effort and asked me to see him again soon.  If he means it, that will be a first, and sign i think he is starting to have feelings for me.
I think maybe I can see love in his eyes for me.... Im not sure, and time will tell.... so im giving him another chance, I am going to make sure I present myself as a catch and the prize this time, because last time I was so shocked a hottie liked me I put all me energy into what I wanted from him, not what I could offer him.  I REALLY hope we work out, but there is a good chance he will choose drugs over me, or even just loose interest again, as I think he has a very limited love brain, but I hope it grows for me.  On his fridge he had stuck "Love is Greater than Money" I hope that is truely what he believes and wants.