An Existential Crisis

I nearly wrote this a few days ago when I was still in the middle of my funk. It is a little bit scary to write about big problems while you are still going through them, its much better write about them after they are over with some distance and wit. But writing this blog, well at least thinking about what I want to write about helped move some heavy thought road block I have been going through the last weeks. It all started after sex with Mr_Soul. The super high quality has put me of sex with other people. I guess it’s a form of being in love. I know he is out of my league and I’m not about to try and track him down until my body is to a level where I feel we are more equal, otherwise the power balance would be too in his favour, I need to believe that I am as desirable otherwise it would do my head in thinking he could get anyone he wanted, and I couldn’t. So after a few unenthusiastic fucks, one with batman, and another with two French tourists, I decided not have sex until my sex drive returns, as its just to painful to fuck someone you’re not into.
I was getting quite melancholy and some of it was missing Mr_Soul but it grew into more than that. I had some big decisions to make.

1. After my stellar sex life the last few months with lots of hot fucks, I know what the view from the top of Sex Mountain is going to look like and I need more. Sure if I get my body into better shape I will keep getting more and more sexy offers but, eventually my looks will fade so it’s not sustainable and there is only so far one can go with sexual exploration. Sure I love sex with new guys, it’s kind of wonderful getting to know new people in an interment way, but after a while there is only so far you can go in getting to know someone through sex. Don’t get me wrong I have had a wonderful time and am very lucky with all the guys I have enjoyed a wonderful time with, but I need to make my mind up about a few things.
2. I have never thought I could date a guy long term, other than a few fucks I can’t go any further than that. I hate it. I have tried but I just can’t be interment with a man other than sex. More than a few times. Mostly only once. This led me to think I probably wasn’t gay as it has always been like this right from when I started exploring things with guys 8 years ago. Part of the reason for me writing this blog was to try on the gay identity more. I have never felt comfortable with the gay image of myself no matter how many people put that label on me.
3. I have much more ease being close to females, which lead me to believe that I would one day end up in a long term relationship with a woman, but I haven’t had a romantic female interest in over a year so thought there was a change going on inside me and that the status quos that lives inside me was shifting.
4. I don’t want to go through this life alone, I can’t make it work with guys and girls have been pissing me off with their selfishness lately. So there I have put it down on paper my existential crisis.
I would never lie to a female to get sex, and hence choose to live my life fancy freed in the gay world having as much sex as I choose without complications, just the way I like it until I want something else.

When you think you won’t be gay for your whole life it gives you a reason not to go through the whole coming out to everyone, just a few close friends who will take you as whoever you are because they love you. I have been trying to come out to Hot_builder because we have been hanging more and more and I would like to be honest, and stop changing my sex stories to female, so I can tell him the real male version, but the timing hasn’t been right, as you need a lot of time when you need to get someone up to speed on years of lies.
This has been a large part of my dilemma, the more people I come out to, the more concrete my gay persona will be and I have been trying to own it. But it’s just not working, not matter how hard I try to be gay, I just can’t make it stick in my brain that that’s the life I can see myself living in the future.
So I have decided that my funk is not about being gay at all, it’s I haven’t had any female romance, interest of attention in ages and it’s messing with my head. So to any readers who are gay and don’t know me I guess I have just come out…… as bi sexual. Sorry if that offends you, I know bi men are generally hated by everyone, especially people who like to see sexuality as concrete not fluid.

The number of times I have been told, “no you’re gay you just can’t admit it” shits me, I have tried to be gay, I can’t, sex no probs, guys are hot, but so are some girls, I just refuse to be a pussy slave while I don’t want to settle down like most straight guys have to be, the things straight guys do and put up with just to have sex is unbelievable to me.
I saw a good looking young guys walk out of a brothel on Friday afternoon, as I was working across the street, he looked like an AFL star and he has to pay for sex! $200 for an hour. WHY? $15 and I get hours and hours of fun, massages and sex with as many hottie as I can. Who needs a genie in a bottle when all I have to do is rub my dick and all my dreams come true. I reckon if more straight guys got over their homophobia, and by that I mean scared to be gay themselves, they would realize how much fun they miss out on. I know lots of guys are attracted to each other but don’t act on it as it’s all too scary for them to deal with. I by no means think everyone is gay, there are so many boring ugly straighties around, you can keep them, I don’t want them around, they are all yours ladies. Enjoy.

I broke my sex drought on Friday night I picked up a beautiful dark man who is the spitting image of Usher, and a DJ as well. Usher is a fav of mine at the moment, so it was kind of very hot to be fucking him for hours last night. An Usher came home with me after we went out to dinner and stayed the night. It was lovely. But Usher asked me if I could date him, I said no, as he is seeing someone else, I am not being a rebound or the reason to leave a relationship; you make those decisions on your own, not around me. Ps. I also know you cheat, so why would I want a cheater?
In case you haven’t heard the rumors the real Usher is rumored at the very least to be Bi if not gay, he apparently has large orgies in hotel rooms where the number of good looking guys to girls is high and he is not too shy in paying them attention even servicing the boys as well. That’s my boy, hot, talented and bi sexual, just the way I like them. The real Usher is in Australia ATM, I wonder….was it? I also notice that in his latest film clip he doesn’t once dance with a girl is that his way of doing something for the gay movement? Here is the link to DJ Got Us Falling In Love Again
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxcBlU-yUoY

Any way I told The_Open that I took a Lover last night and that he was black, and The_Open said “ that would be right, I can so see you with some black dude, it’s so you, you always have to be the cool one with a hot interracial boy friend. No WASPY white bread for you.” “Yeah I know, interracial relationships are the ultimate form of cool ATM, I could pull it off” it’s true I have cool a factor that would make me an Usher work. The_Open the said “You know I never trust a girl with a black boy friend, you know she’s a greedy bitch, she wants it all, a big black dick and a status symbol” “What the fuck is going on in your brain? Did you read that somewhere or did you make that up yourself?” I said “I have always thought that” said the_open. “Well I think your fucked, but I’m going to use it in my blog” And I have.

Its All About Me.....Today

Today was going to be a good day, pay day, which meant I could eat again! And do things like go to the Sydney Motor Show. I read somewhere that when you’re trying to feel and get better, that one needs to take a day and do things that make you happy. So that’s what I planned to do. Got up early and went straight to the Motor Show. It was ok, I think I might have been too many times to think it amazing any more, but I had a very “me” experience. I was walking around all the beautiful cars with their shiny paint and fancy wheels when I saw a very cute guy in a well chair. He was amazingly beautiful and manly, with a tattoo right up his neck, Middle Eastern background, and lovely warm and friendly face, with great arms from pushing the wheel chair around. He would have been a real lady killer, and I think he probably still was, he was the whole package, except he was paraplegic. I kept looking around and I noticed there was a whole group young men my age in wheel chairs, some wheel chairs were electric and the guys who weren’t in motorized chairs, formed a conga line behind the one who was so they didn’t have to push themselves. Cute to watch. But all the young men had a look on their face that made me sad. Sure they were trying to get excited about the cars and their day out together, but all of these young men had been cut down in their prime, I’m thinking they were probably car crash of motor bike accident victims, but I don’t really know, and I think this was probably their support group. Being around all these expensive cars with the beautiful girl models standing next to them, was so painful to watch. Even if these girls would date these guys, the guys didn’t think they would be liked for them, just a charity date or freak novelty factor, they would never be able to afford these cars on the disability pension and they would never get to drive these cars with their disabilities. Suddenly these shiny cars didn’t seem that fancy, they couldn’t give these guys their legs back. I felt sick to my stomach watching these guys conga lining around the show, trying to be happy, struggling and failing. I am not the avoidant type, normally but these guys were too much for me to compute, especially on my fun day. I was hungry as I hadn’t eaten properly in a few days, and as I was lining up for food, these guys lined up in front and behind me, one of the men was very handicapped and made his carerer pick up ever single option on the menu and show him, and I kid you not, he said, “I want that one” just like Little Brittan, and changed his mind every single time he was shown a lunch option. And this is the part that is really me; there were no other table so the wheel chairs guys had to sit with me. After to trying to avoid them because it was a little too real for my fun day, here they were sitting at my table having lunch with me. This always happens to me, I might be at the most glamorous superficial event and I will end up spoon feeding the lady who’s had a stroke and can’t feed herself. I don’t normally mind, and two of the guys were very hot, one looked like a lebo porn star and another looked like a less tanned blue eyed version if Christiano Renaldo, but both were in wheel chairs. I wonder is this a sign? Or is it that I am just observant and end up helping people who need help, and other people are too wrapped up in their own life to notice people in need.

On a lighter side I didn't feel in particularly flirty mood even though the models standing next to the cars are paid to flirt. But I would like to to say that yes Tom from Range Rover I thought you were dreamy and if I hadn't been so over sexed lately I would have followed you to the toilets for some mid morning relief, yes that straight acting yummy guy in the white T shirt was into you but, couldn't quite be bothered with the energy that goes into covert flirting while you're at work and trying not out your self to your co-workers. So those strange feeling of attraction that were all over your face weren't miss guided, I was just drained..... in all ways.

Saab wasn't there this year, they are the only car brand that deliberatly employs hot young blonde male models, that all look like total prostitues, in the gay world they are called "Rent Boys". A few years ago I heard a straight couple walk off saying "those boys look like they are for sale" and I heard the Saab boys say "They say that like its a bad thing" Being so hot and desirable that some one would pay to have sex with you is the ultimate compliment, apparently.

Holden had the ugliest staff by far, I wonder if that was a marketing ploy so the wives would let the husband go and talk to the staff and Mitibishi tried to have hot girls but they didn't quite cut the grade and looked corse and chunky compared to all the other stands.


Later in the day I went up all the levels in David Jones men’s side and had a nice restful time looking at all the nice things and I saw lots of older gay men working there, and it got me thinking about the history of that store. My guess is that David Jones in the city would have provided employment for gay men probably the whole time it’s been open. Probably there was a secret code, but gradually men would have started coming out in the 70’s. I don’t mean to judge, but there seems to be an element of “The broken down old poof” when I see men over 50 still working in retail. No judgment on men who want to be there but I can’t help but think the reality is a little closer to these old men had dreams once, and in the end the gay life style has taken it’s toll, be it heart ache or drug or alcohol abuse or rejection from their families that has led them to a place where being very good a serving customers is the only thing they can do or handle. It was a little scary for me to see and I don’t put myself above anybody else and it makes me think, I might think I’m bright and wonderful but could that be my future as well?

Sex & Death

I’m a bit confused. Last night was “I remember House” at Ivy Bar, and it was amazing, as far as I remember. They had $10 cocktails that had at least 2 standards drinks in them and we spent over $700 between the 4 of us. I went there with Melbourne_Lawyer, Hot_Builder and Ripped_Panel_Beater. The atmosphere was amazing, warm, loving, caring and flirty, there was electricity in the air, Dan Murphy the DJ not the liquor store, was a great host and organized a great afternoon. We were all building a nice buzz from the yummy cocktails call “In the House” and flirting outrageously with each other and others, we were quite the dancers and kissers. We’ll actually I didn’t kiss anyone, but Melbourne Lawyer kissed Hot_Builder and Hot_Builder kissed a few other girls as well. Ripped_Panel_Beater report to me and Hot_Builder that he had his first man kiss, and that he didn’t like the stubble but good on him for giving it a go. I saw a long term crush and for some reason had the nerve to go straight up to him talk to him, we had never spoken before, but apparently I was charming, so he said, and he turned out to be a photographer, how sexy, a hot photographer, that is a major turn on for me. I remember telling him that he was my architypal gay boyfriend and that he had formed part of my subconscience, which is true, I think about a bit. I guess if a stranger said that to you in their opening conversation it would be quite flattering. Any way after I had successfully charmed the gate keeper fag hag who could have caused problems for me, as it obvious she was in love with him and kept a witty banter going with Hot_photographer for 20 mins, out of no where he dropped me for some other friends and I didn’t talk to him again all night. Or see him come to think of it, but I wasn’t seeing that well any way with 20 plus drinks in me.

There were a few hot girls who were married and their husbands were there with them and both had the same name as me, and yet I still flirted outrageously in front of the husbands, in the sober light of day I am not that happy with my actions, but at the time it seemed fun and harmless.

I hadn’t talked to Ripped_panel beater for a while and I had found out he had lost his phone that week, he pulled me aside and told me something very upsetting, he had died that week. He had O.D. on heroin and if Hot_builder hadn’t raced him to hospital he would be dead, it took the doctor 3 goes to re start his heart. I got very upset when he told me this, as I know he had been clean for 10 years, and a girl had asked for his phone number last week when I was talking on the phone to him, It turned out she was a junkie, and he had not been strong enough to delete her number when he found this out and gave in and used again. The junkie girl left him for dead when he went under and luckily Hot_Builder had been strong enough to race him to hospital in the car. Hot_builder is anti drugs so Ripped_Panel_Beater is basically only alive because they have a strong enough friend ship that he could use in front of him and Hot_Builder knew there was no point trying to stop him because he would just do it anyway in secret. That is a pretty amazing friendship. Hot builder had thrown Ripped Panel Beater phone away that night to stop him ever calling that girl again. I told him to get some balance in his life, stop working so hard, and that he needed to work at making a life that was good enough that he didn't need drugs to escape. He agreed and is moving to Sydney this month to build a better life with more fun and less work.

After Ivy Bar I joined a gaggle of 8 girls and to 2 hot French boys, who are 20 and straight I think but my sex appeal is burning pretty bright at the moment so who knows if they will be strong enough to with stand my incandescent glow. One of the French boy’s first name is my surname, and my surname is not common, he wants more work as a bar tender and my cusins own 5 pubs between them, so we got each other phone numbers. And I got one of the girls number as well she was lots of fun and her name is Jessica Rabbit. One of the girls got hit by a cab and two of the other girls decided that the cabbie needed to be taught a lesson so they attacked him, he looked like Santa Claus, a red head and a blond beating up Santa Claus, hilarious. We ended up in Moulin Rouge after being rejected from Hugo’s for apparent crimes in foot ware fashion, but while on the stairs I saw one of the members of Sneaky Sound System being kicked out for have a bag of white powder, seeing as the night is called “Sneaky Sundays” he obviously wasn't quite sneaky enough.... I would like to see how they entertained the crowd with no band. Jessica Rabbit bought me a drink, it’s always nice when a girl byes a boy a drink for a change. On the way home I got something to eat, and I was still so drunk that I bit my lip and chewed half my cheek off, kind of funny, but I couldn’t control my lips and every bite I took I bit my lip and cheek again, tragic really, in the end I was chewing like the talking horse Mr. Ed trying to hold my lips out of the way so they didn’t get caught in my teeth. My white T shirt is covered in blood and there is skin off my thumb, so who know what happened there, might have been my break dancing in the Rouge.

Woke up this morning hung over as all fuck, too sick to work, with memories of my disgusting “get your sleaze on” behavior creeping in around the edges and a strange crush on Jessica Rabbit. Ripped_Panel beater tried it on with a guy in front of Hot_builder, I’m working as a builder, and Hot_builder might be trying to let me know that he wants to try it with a guy as well??? Maybe. If my infatuation goes much further with Jessica Rabbit I might have to start a new Colum called “Bi Man about Town”. The straighies are trying gay and I’m thinking if trying straight, no wonder I’m confused.

What a Difference a Day Makes!

Yesterday was not a good day. Due to being “fully sick” those rogues at the smash repairers didn’t bother holding that job for me, oh well ho hum, it was paying $14.75 so no great loss, I earned more than that as a teenager 10 years ago. I wasn’t convinced I was getting much better considering how strong the drugs the doctor had me on were supposed to be, so I went back to the Dr. to see what else I could do. The look of worry on the doctors’ face said it all; there wasn’t much else they could do....

This was pretty shit news, 30 and facing the disability pension due to chronic asthma, not something anyone should have to be thinking about.

No job, no money, a shit family, and a good friend who should have be there for me had gone missing in action, the way he always does when thing aren’t about him or looks like he might have to do something for someone else. I do have friends who would be there for me but they are in other cities and my problems are large and only family should be dealing with it, not friends. Anyway said friend did buy me dinner and lend me $20 to get me to pay day, so he came through in the end, but it was touch and go and if he hadn’t been feeling vulnerable himself I’m not sure it would have gone that way.

So anyway after being at the doctors for a total of 5 hours yesterday, I had a days’ work renovation an old sandstone mansion in North Sydney, and I wasn’t sure I would be well enough to do it, but I made it there by 10am after a rough start in the morning and the day flew by, the builder I was working was lovely and it was so nice to be productive and earning again.
I decided to treat myself to a little spa as I had worked very hard and pulled some muscles and needed a hot soak. And I went to Body Line, where else can you get a spa, sauna and possibility of a massage and a fuck for $15. Bargain! Well my trip to BL paid dividends big time, I landed a really big fish, I’m talking another Body Line God and this time I think he is in the 10 best looking guys in Sydney. May be even top 5. And once again he chose me. It may have been by default as I think there was a drastic lack of hotties but I’ll take those compromised odds, as being the 2nd best looking in the place is all that one can really hope for. You don’t want to be NO. 1 as it means you have to fuck down, and number 3 means the two hotties pair off and your left unsatisfied. So the perfect odds lead to I think the best sex of my life. Yes thats right, I had the best sex of my life and it was Yesterday. The guys was a good looking Italian whose name is also a men after shave name, and in the interest of privacy I think I will call him a different after shave, Hugo_Boss_Soul my favorite sent. Although his name sake is also a fav of mine.
Any way Mr. Soul was all Soul and body. He was a good height with an 8 pack and the most delicious smooth skin, it was tanned and smooth it was like licking gelato when kissing and licking his body. And in the sack, my God his sexual skill was amazing, it think it was the best 2 hours of beautiful vanilla sex I have ever had. After nooky we talked and cuddled in the spa. Amazing.
By this time it was about 7 pm and I was deciding what to do with the rest of my evening, and I had a text on my phone from someone I meet on Manjam, on the net.
I decided tonight was the night and I was going to drive to the outer suburbs, although I wasn’t quite prepared for just how far, like 50 km out of the city. The gentleman I meet that evening was ME and fit and when I went to his house he took me into the spare bedroom and there where all these colour full suits hanging in the closet, and he casually asked me “So who do you want to fuck you tonight? Spiderman or Batman, or if you don’t like either of them there is Iron Man and the Phantom”. Kinky yes, my cup of tea, no. But it was his, so I chose Batman, he was the sexist costume and my hosts favorite….. When in Rome. The other costumes where on manikins watching proceedings, how very voyeuristic of those naughty super heroes. As I was driving home, 50km back to the city I realized that the cutie from the Power Rangers who made it big in underbelly this year, Firass Dirani, has left the show, was I fucking the blue Power Ranger? I think I might have been.
On the drive home I got a message from the friend who has been MIA at 1 am, I pulled over and talked to him, he was having big problems with his boss who is an alcoholic and they work as a team and his performs will be judged based on his bosses. Sounded like a no win situation and I told MIA friend as much to console him, but then decided it was not right to be there for him when he wasn’t for me, so I politely excused myself from the phone call and kept driving. It was too disrespectful to let myself be treated like that, being there for someone who is too selfish to be able to do the same in return.


Below is a link to a new song by a Sydney Ladie, and filmed in St. James train station. I think it captures the vibe of the city this spring, enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TURqCNY5gpI

Hi Five for the Clap

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The Art of a Life Well Lived.

I was reading yesterday that 30% of gay youth attempt suicide and they estimate that self harm without the intention of killing oneself may be as high as 48%, but it’s hard to tell as not many people admit to it. I was reading this in DNA October 2010 issue and they had another article on the gay rights movement which turns 40 this year, and how gay history is not passed on as well an straight history as most gays have no children to pass on their life experiences to. Reading about all the struggle people went through to change the laws to what they are today, and to some extent people’s attitude, got me in an atavistic frame of mind. The work that went into these pieces of writing was amazing and I totally commend the editorial stands of DNA, that magazine just keeps getting better, and the level of intelligence that goes into each issue, in-between the glossy photos, is probably rarely matched.

After 40 yes of struggle, what was it that people were fighting for? Liberty? Yes liberty! I think the best way to put it is THE RIGHT TO FUCK. And the right to choose how to live one’s life when it doesn’t affect other people. Which led me to my next thought, why would there be so much resistance to fucking anyway?
It’s a beautiful thing, and to most men life at it’s fullest. I think most men would put sex above drugs, and probably love, food or alcohol and probably even money and power. I don’t think if a genie said to me “I will give you money and status in return for never having sex again”, that I would agree.

I know a lot of problems come from fucking
1. Disease and even death
2. Unwanted children, and the expense of caring for them
3. Death through child birth and health complications from child birth
4. Emotional pain and all the entanglement that come with a broken heart
I know that birth control, education for everyone and condoms are all fairly recent occurrences, and that gay men, druggies and prostitutes where the minorities that got caught in the cross fire from the HIV hysteria, before we knew how it was spread and how to keep our selves safe. But given that another 20 years has passed since condoms became the norm for sex with strangers, and most people can plan children, and education for all has meant that the majority of the population can enter into consenting recreational sexual encounters that do not lead to abuse and use, why is there still a lingering air of sexual oppression from right wing religious groups.
Firstly I would like to say, thank you for being concerned enough about us to want to save our souls, and keep us safe from harmful practices. But I’m not really convinced that same sex attraction is caused by the devil, I don’t think it is a perversion of nature. If you take away the sick feeling that some people get when they think of two men having sex, and realize that, that is only a form of prudishness and a lack of sexual openness. That feeling of yuck in the pit of your stomach is not God telling you what is right and wrong, it’s your own fear of things you haven’t tried or think you would like. I used to have the same feeling about sex acts I thought I would hate, but then grew to love.

I also know that in Victorian times it was the responsibility of the church parish to care for any bastard children that were born. If the Father of the child was not married to the woman, he had no legal responsibility to care for the child, and if the mother or mothers family couldn’t, then they would drop the baby off at the church orphanage and the cost of raising the child fell on the parish. It’s easy to see how this would lead to intense sermons from the pulpit about the evils of sex outside of marriage. Especially when education levels were so low, women had no chance to earn their own money and their reputation and eligibility to marry where their only way of being looked after, after the death of their parents. Before the 1930’s the term Homosexual didn’t exist. Sex with a man was seen as an unholy act in the same way sex with a woman one was not married to was, it was all called buggery. Heterosexual actually mean “sex for pleasure” not sex between male and female, as we now use it.

Johnny Howard once said that he does not support the Mardi Gras because gay life style is selfish in its nature, because no children can come from it, and there for it is anti family and anti life. Well Mr Howard, 6 billion people are on the planet and we are on the way to 9 billion by 2040. This is a major problem, we hear about the ageing population in Australia, but the reality is the world is over crowding so quickly it’s scary. For the whole globe to live as well as Australians, Americans and Europeans do, we would need 6 planets, it is totally unsustainable. So Western living standards will drop to as globalization spreads wealth more evenly across the globe. If the third world was encouraged to be gay, a major problem for the world could be fixed. This out dated view that having children is the meaning of life, has to be stopped. Children are wonderful. But too many without the resources to care for them is the ultimate form of child abuse. The notion that all life is valuable and wonderful and should be encouraged is dangerous. The message of only responsible people with the means to care for children should have them, needs to be pushed much harder. In India the average birth rate is 6 children per woman, and this due to their lack of education for women and that women have no power to say no to their husbands. They must have as many children as the Mother in Law and husband says she must have, and 2 sons is a minimum, so they keep having children until 2 boys have been born.

To bring this back to gay Sydney, religious groups are using old out dated views on the world as the reasons to condemn homosexual love and life style. Evil is Live spelt backwards, and when trying to think weather ones actions are good or bad, using this simple question, “Does it improve life or make life worse?” Is my way of deciding. To try and deny someone their natural feelings because it doesn’t fit their view of the world, seem much more life killing, than the argument that everyone who isn’t married shouldn’t have sex and everyone who is must have children.

I think until churches realize that the old rules that used to make sense to keep people happy and healthy, don’t apply to modern people who can make decisions for themselves, that they are happy with, and that imposing old restrictive beliefs is actually evil, as it kills life, this struggle between Gay people and conservative churches will continue.

I realize there are still vulnerable people out there, intellectually disabled people for an example, who would best be served by the ideals of chastity and monogamy, the promiscuous life style is not for everyone, and if true love comes knocking why deny it. But for most gay men that is not the story of their life, sexual exploration is. And a lot of good comes from it. Not just heart ache and disease. The example I use is, you can be a slut and find true love and know you have found it. Or you can wait till you find “the one” and find out they don’t meet all you needs as you thought they would and wonder if the grass is really greener on the other side, while trapped in a marriage.
I think that the issue of how to live one’s life is the most debatable topic of today. We are witnessing social change in front of our very eyes, and I think that there has perhaps been no greater shift in the way western society lives and sees itself. The concept that sex should only occur between a man and a woman in marriage is defiantly not something that most people live any more, but maybe an ideal that most still aim for, even gay men, that is gay monogamy / marriage. If religious groups are the last bastion of this ideal, along with people with conservative views, if they gradually relax their opinion into something more main stream, are there really any sexual boundaries left to be expanded?
There is one sexual frontier that I can think of. Well two really. First is the idea that we are either straight or gay and should stick to one side. If there was a lot less social conditioning and social pressure that straight is the norm and you only go gay if you can’t stand to be straight. And sex was taught as an act of fun that should be enjoyed with whom ever and whenever we feel like, then I think the world would be a lot more “Pan sexual” or “Try sexual”, I hate the word Bi sexual as it implies that by having sex with both sexes you are a different sexual class all together.
Of course for women to want to join the orgy as much as men do they would have to get to a point where they were sexual and emotionally mature enough to want to do it, free from fear about reputations, pregnancy and disease.
And the final thing on my wish list for the future is; disease is totally not a factor anymore and we can all have sex freely with out condoms, we could stick our dick in whomever we wanted without having to worry about being careful, just spray it where ever we want……. That would be nice.

Bridging the Gap

This is a term I picked up in the movie She’s Out Of Your League, great movie by the way, I thought it would be good and it beat my expectations which is hard to do when they are already high. Any way this movie is about a guy who rates 5 on the hotness scale and he dates a girl who rates 10, and trouble pursues from their different social hotness standings. “Bridging the gap” is what his friends give him as advice saying “no one can date more than 2 points out of their league.” So basically he should stop wondering why his relationship is in trouble and go back to his own hotness pool which is 5. And stop trying to date a 10. I find this highly confrontational viewing, and very close to my own neuroses. I guess what my real beef is that if I lost weight I would to most people probably be a 10. If any of my friends read this and disagree, please be gentle in letting me know that you do not see me as a possible 10, even future fit me. For people who don’t know what I look like it would probably help to have a description here. I’m 6 foot, blue eyed, dark hair and have all of it, well proportioned, muscular athletic build with a great face, lovely smile, nice tanning skin and because I’m socially smart I present very well fashion wise and facial expressions etc, basically I can charm the martini glass out of an alcoholics hand. But I am over weight and this delightful package is hidden under a layer of fat, which drops me down to about a 7. Worse on a bad day.
My problem is due to bad health I find it very hard to train properly, and therefore food becomes my pick me up, as I’m not getting the rush from exercise. Excuses, excuses, I know but I do have a broken back on top of chronic lung problems and the stress of poverty that comes with long period of unemployment, in large part due to my health restraints. Ps. I also come from a wealthy family which loves money more than their children, so I it’s quite stressful to watch the two tiered life that different members live based on inheritance.
Anyway this movie held a mirror up to my face like no other in making me realize that for all my potential I am only a 7 ATM and it wouldn’t hurt me to acknowledge that at some point. I am who I am, I am not my potential. So I realize that my pain comes in part from the pursuit of unobtainable hotness, I always lust after the hottest girls and guys, but can’t really say I am one. But there are men out there who are the hottest version on themselves who still only rate a 7. Do they feel the same pain I do, or are they more resigned to it, because they are as good as it will ever be for them?

I would love to know other peoples coping strategies. I seem to be ok with not being Kerry Packer money wise, was mildly disappointed I never made it to the Olympics as part of the sprint team , but when it comes to being good looking, and more importantly what my partner looks like…… why oh why do I get so bent out of shape. The thought of being seen in public with an ugly person on my arm for the world to judge me by shits me to tears. Who one pairs off with in my world seems to scream that’s where your status in society lies. Am I wrong to think like this? Am I alone to think this?
So to break it down there seems to be two main themes. 1. One’s own personal potential, and meeting it. 2. Once you have maxed out your own potential, dealing with not being and 8, 9, or 10.
If anyone is going to post some helpful ideas, please be more creative than “learn to love yourself” or all the inside bullshit, yes I’m lovely inside already, I do love myself very much, I love the person I am and I have great respect for the way I treat people around me. Inside is not the issue of this blog today, outside is.
I think the only answer is get to a 10 or stop caring, there is no other way of bridging the gap with oneself. As far as dating, I would love some glam glam hottie to find me adorable even though I was a horrible 5. I think that’s what love is. I love women who adore their overweight husbands and pretend that they are the greatest thing since sliced bread. I don’t find it as cute in the gay world as mmmm I think the gay male world should be more about hard core hot sex, and less about doting love between miss matches. Personal preference of course and no judgment of people who hate what I just wrote.

OMG

I don’t know what’s going on with the world. I started work at the smash repairers and on day 2 I was told the boss / owner is gay……. Quite cool really, an openly gay man running a large successful smash repair business. I love the thought of gay men leaving the traditional employment realms of the gays and being the boss of a bunch of straights, and ocha straights at that. The vibe at the work place as far as I can tell is very caring and supportive and considering that most of the all male workforce travels in from Campbell Town and Wollongong and I would be the only one with a uni degree, I can’t help but wonder if it’s the tone from the boss that brings it out in all the men.



I went on a date with a 25 year old Lebanese man from Lebanon tonight, he was so straight acting, that if he could be gay, it doesn’t baud well for the rest of the male populous. After my date I went to a café where I had previously walked past wearing short shorts, thongs and a singlet and there was a very hot builder working late finishing the shop fit out. I did a few laps starring at the hotness, when I spotted a sign for employees needed. I decided with my new ammunition I would go in and ask the builder if he was the owner or the builder as a rues for talking to him and his hot builder friend. “Hi there boys, I just saw the sign for workers and I just wondering if you were the owner, or the builder?” “Both” he said “That’s hot” I said. I can barely believe I said it….. So Paris. Anyway I had an interview the day later with a cute Middle Eastern guy, but didn’t hear back so, didn’t think anymore of it. Until tonight, the cute ME owner / manager was on and remembered my name and comped my meal, nice of him I thought, must be compensation for not getting the job I thought, but then I got talking, he wants to reconsider me for the manager role, and told me about all the other stores he is opening, the hot owner builder was still hanging about, and they looked a little similar so I thought it must be a family business, Father - Son, or older brother - younger brother, any way turns out they are PARTNERS…… OMG WTF? My fantasy of straight acting, but caring and sexually active gay men seems to coming true all around me. Up until recently when ever some has told me they are gay I can almost instantly see why. Some insecurity or need for male love comes glaring out me, but is there a new class of gay male who’s masculinity is perfectly in tack and they are gay by choice? Just imagine where this will take us, rippling straight guys deciding how they want to live their life, perfectly attracted to girls, but get to age 22 to 28 and go “you know what, I think the gay life style is for me, I’d rather live with one of my mates and it’s easier to get sex until I partner off.” Besides who wants children anyway, expensive, needy and kill your social life. Well at least we now have the option of doing "the Madonna"; swoop through a third world country and adopt some half raised beautiful child from a war zone.


I think I have hit on one of the new sexual frontiers, if being gay gets to a point where it is so destigmatized that children are asked by their parents "what would you like to be sweetie, gay or straight?" and the school yard of an all boys school no longer call each Gay 20 times a day as put down, and changes into more of a "So Ben you think your going to be gay hey? wow that so cool, I hope I turn out gay as well, so much better than being straight."
And preschools and kindergartens start to teach about love, respect, attraction and feeling with out reinforcing the traditional gender roles, wow what a world this would be.
Just once it would be nice to see a straight couple have to deffend their life style choice. "Hey mate its ok to be straight, not all of us want to live your life style and live with mates, chicks are cool dude, you should try it some time, stop being so narrow minded in your thinking, girls can be sexy too." Imagine hearing that and having to come to a straights deffence "leave Darrel alown, its his choice to live with a girl."


In other news, I had my first ride in a scoffer driven Mercedes, well it was a ride in an ambulance to Sydney Hospital because all the other emergency departments were busy last night, it’s the only way to go to ER, cue jump, find the least busy ER, driven in style. On my way home I flagged a taxi on Macquarie Street and it’s amazing how quite the city is on a week night. Any way the taxi that picked me up was very new and clean and the driver was cute, so I surprised myself, even after a trip to ER with two collapsed lungs, I still found a way to get the cute driver to give me his number. I said I was looking for a regular taxi to book and he wrote down his mobile number on a card for me…… still got it, might ring him now and see he needs a rest stop.

Sickness and the City

I had childhood asthma and it has come back on and off again in the three years I have been in Sydney. When it’s bad, it’s really debilitating, to point of not being able to work, which is what has happened this week. I have had a weeks’ worth of work and I haven’t been able to do it, even though I desperately need to be working for mind and bank balance. One of these long periods of pneumonia and asthma last year was the first time I serious thought relationships made sense. I like the Hollywood image of a relationship, someone to have and to hold and build a life with, but the reality of constantly making compromises and the annoyance of the little things had made me enjoy my own company more than anyone else’s. But when it dawned on me that life may not be as wonderful as I had thought it would be; having some to have your back seemed the way to go.
But it bothers me that sickness, is what motivates me to partner up. Am I alone in this? I would love to know how many other relationships form out of need not romance. I don’t know how to find this out.
Maybe it is a matter of not finding “the one” yet.

On a brighter note I found out I start full time work on Monday, so lungs permitting, things are looking up. I will be working across all aspects of a large smash repair business. My boss is HOT, and a cool educated Lebanese man about my age. I have already set a goal of seducing as many of the hot tradies as I can.
I was in Northbridge after finishing inspecting a magnificent old sandstone house in North Sydney, to quote renovation it, and I went to the shops in Northbridge, and walking around I ate for free at 6 different stores that were giving out food samples. One was $100 per kilo Wagu steak, and even the Woolworths gave me a bowl of hot seafood cabinara, it was all delicious. I have know for a long time that the richer areas get better quality food, and the stores have to do good food, because the customers expect it, but today I had it reinforced again, the more money you have the more things you get for free. I live in Newtown, not a particular affluent area, and the produce in the supermarkets is appalling and EXPENSIVE! And they would never give free food away when there are people begging outside. I went to two free concerts last week because I knew someone who gave me free tickets, my brother has a black Amex and gets free ticket to theater shows, and we even went to a free night at Ferrari and Masserati fully catered. It saddens me to think that the more you have, the more you get for free and life just keeps getting easier and easier, and those who need a leg up, will never get it.

Psychic Encounter

I just went to a psychic who said I need to write and that I will be published by January. I find this very confronting as I am broke, well I have $500 to last me two weeks and that’s how much my rent is, and when I said that’s why I try and get jobs in the corporate field, for security, she said “there is no security in corporate jobs, that’s why you have had 40 jobs, you are trying to make yourself into someone you’re not”. I went to a psychologist for career counseling 3 years ago and according to the Myer Briggs test I should be an actor, by a long way. At the time I thought “Oh great I have just been told I will be a waiter for the rest of my life”. I’m about to be a homeless, although the psychic said that won’t happen, I have no job, although I do have a prospect of one in two weeks, but the psychic said that my boss was represented by the devil card and that he would promise me the world and absolutely abuse and use me…… well a little like every other job I have had I guess. When I said “I have started writing, I started a blog last week”, she said “Well that’s ok, but you need to write properly, and I can guarantee you will be published by January, February at the latest”. I haven’t even wanted to write before last week, and now I’m going to be published in 3 months???? This is very puzzling to me. But I have to wonder if her advice about things not working for me because I’m trying to be sensible, but that isn’t sensible because that isn’t what my talents are, is giving me food for thought.
It’s very hard to fathom that the most sensible thing to do for security is to be an actor or a writer. What are the odds, 1% of people make it as an actor or writer that want to be one?

My Father was a farmer and as boring as bat shit, my Mother a nurse and as equally as dull, my brother is an engineer and makes $120,000 by the age of 26, could it really be true that my 20’s have been such a mess due to the total lack of support or guidance and bullying from my family, who try and make me more like them, because they cannot comprehend me? This is truly a painful sentence for me to write as I look back at my 20’s and all the disappointment and total lack of productivity that that decade has been for me………
I used to have dreams, but thought that they were what were causing my financial problems, because I wanted to do what I wanted to do, and not what society found valuable, but is the real reason - I have been white anted by my family who find anything different from them too challenging to comprehend, and hence needs to be stopped? I think this is getting closer to the truth.
This took place at the Marly Bar in Newtown and I was there with two of my old friends, two very glamorous sisters I’ve known from back in Canberra. I was giving them the chance to name themselves for this blog, but haven’t come up with anything clever yet, so let’s work with the descriptions for tonight, L the older one and channels Old Hollywood Glamour and would Give Elizabeth Taylor a run for her money in the beauty and style stakes, S the younger is gym fit and more sexy Bond girl in her style, any way the girls needed to run for dinner at 8 at the Quay Restaurant, they say it’s the best in Sydney? Is it? Any way girls you have been introduced tonight and shall be named in your future appearances.

Fuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!

Just a quick one today, last Sunday night at Arq was great, my friend Hot_builder managed a pick up of sorts, he held the attention all night and got the phone number of the daughter of the Queen of Australian day time TV, would love to say who, but shouldn't.... but think you can guess. My plans of consecrating my crush on Hot_builder didn't go to plan, but to give myself some credit I didn't try at all, I was feeling a little over sex, seeing as my number of guys for September was higher than 60, and I think I broke 60 in the first two weeks, but I never keep count so may be I over estimate. And I don't even use Grindr. Yet. But before you judge me too strongly, I was nearly completely celebate for the first 6 months of the year, as I am scared how long its been since I have made any new friends or had a date, let alown any one who might go the distance, even a short distance.

Dancing around at Arq, there where lots of great torsos to stare at and great faces for me to dream about, but for maybe the first time in my life I found it all predictable, I was looking at gorgous guys way out of my league and thinking, ho hum, how boaring, I can guess just what he would be like in the sack, and how I would feel afterwards.... drained and incomplete. It maybe due to a total lack of horniness, from too much sex (all high quality surprisingly) but the expirence was very scary. To think that one day I will find all the hottness and chasing of hottness, boaring, left me feeling that with out my sex drive, I have a big hole in my life. In writing this a few days after it happened, I now realise it will comeback if I slow down a bit, or I guess if it goes away with old age I will replace it with other interests, I might be more productive in other areas of my life for a change.

Sleaze Long Weekend

I am going out this afternoon, and tonight, I think I will end up at "Crash" a party with DJ's from London at ARQ tonight, to make it more exciting I have a friend from Canberra coming up, he is straight and a very very good looking Croatian Builder, with model good looks, and an identical twin brother to boot, I went to school with them both. We are both 30, and have been hanging out for about 6 years with an underlying sexual tension running between us, I'm not out to him, but don't realy try to hide it, and I am only not open as it makes it easier to hang out with his Straight bogan friends, so he doesn't have to lie to cover for me. It will be his first time at Arq although I have take one of his friends there before, who is a very ripped panel beater, and he loved it and reported back to hot_builder how much fun it is, so I hope he relaxes and has a good time.
I have taken them both to The Beresford before and ripped_panelbeater picked up a very hot yummy mummy from Adelaide, and they had an affair between Canberra, Sydney and Adelaide for a few months.
This is the first time hot_builder has stayed with me alown, last time was my birthday and he hooked up with one of my girl friends, so it may be wish full thinking but he has cleared the whole weekend to hang with no-one but me, so me thinks his Bi-curious side may finally be bubbling to the surface, and I am happy to be experiment No.1.

Plan of attack. Meet with hot female friends for coffee on Victoria St. and get them to flirt with him out ragously, (won't be hard work when you look look like an Amani Exchange model) and get him feeling in the mood for sex. He may present as a bricklayer, but his family owns a chain of hotels and I estimate their wealth to be 100 million +, So to sumerize he has the sexual prowes of a hot tradie, but the bank account of a Montecarlo Playboy, and has been straight to date, but I think he wants some man love, does it get any better than this?
He may be tough and rough, but he is also very loving and caring and I can tell him things and he listens like no one else I know.
Next go to Hernadas or Coco Cubana for a jug of sangria, at this point I think the girls will bail as they are flying to LA this week for a holiday so they don't want to party. Maybe then take him back to Beresford and get him to soak up the Gay Sunday vibe, then off to Arq, shirts off and let the experimenting begin!

Middle Eastern Love or Lust?

I have only recently discovered I love Lebanese Men. I don’t know why I didn’t know this before, maybe I wasn’t exposed to enough growing up in a very white city (Canberra). I thought I liked all Arabs and Middle Eastern (ME) guys at the start of the month, but I have refined it to Lebanese in particular, followed by men from Oman, but that is as of today, and who knows where my attractions will be by next month. I have had a very fun month on a site called Manjam, it is big in the Middle East, much bigger than Gaydar or Manhunt. There are over 5000 guys on Manjam in Lebanon, not bad for a country where I have been told you can still get in trouble for being gay.

The quality of the profiles are amazing I have never seen pages full of such amazing bodies and faces and charm. After you have been in the Lebanon area, and come back to Sydney, you unfortunatly realize our profiles make us look like ugly dogs when compared.

I have learnt a lot about sexual attraction and how to get quality sex from my month of trawling the net (I am unemployed at the moment and it’s so much more fulfilling than seek.com.au). I think I will make this a two part-er as there is too much to write tonight, but to give you a teaser.

1. Compulsory military service leads to a whole generation of men who are fit and isolated from female company for long periods…….. join the dots, they know how to get themselves off with each other, and more importantly because this leads to a very broad bi-sexual population, they still have the masculinity that most gay men crave, hence why we love ALF and NRL player and soldiers, and fire fighters etc.
2. The religious taboos of a half Muslim half Christian country mean they are afraid, very afraid, so tourists are safe, very safe. There are profiles which read “for tourists only”.

3. Lebanese like to see themselves as more European than Arab, so if you’re white with blue eyes, you are who they want to be, which is great for me, because that’s what I am, and I love their tanned skin, great bodies (truly amazing), masculine faces, brooding dark looks.
4. In the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney which are sooooo gay, everyone has sooooo much sex, one can become picky, if you go to Bodyline where the men look amazing, they walk around with their towels on not having sex with anyone, just showing of their beautiful bodies to other hot guys, but rarely doing anything. Like boarding schools, Mining towns and the army and navy, ME countries are full of pent up sexual energy. If a man is going to do something not only is he overcoming a huge social stigma and danger, the number of opportunities are lower, so you are special, very special, you are not number 10 for the week, you might be the only man or any love’n he gets for the next 6 months, hence the quality goes up, he wants you and he is going to make you feel wanted.

To be continued…..

Setting the Tone of this Blog

Yes I have been watching Sex and the City, and yes I have let my imagination run away to a happy place where Carrie's make believe world of sex, love, fashion, rich boyfriends and fabulously wealthy friends who never have money problems or jobs they don't enjoy, could possibly be my life one day. After I write a constantly witty and socially exposing and explorative blog on gay life in Sydney, that one days gets offered a book deal, that is then optioned for a TV series that changes society itself.   Sounds do-able to me.

And seeing as I was transparent enough to reference some of my inspiration, maybe I should make that my first topic point.  In a post Sex and the City world, where young girls (let’s say 15 +) and some young boys have grown up not knowing life before SATC hit the air ways, has the fairy tale life of Ms Bradshore, which is portrayed in a very believable way, caused the modern day aspirations of this generation to be set unrealistically high?

Instead of forming goals and dreams that were based on for example; everybody gets sick at some stage, and we are always going to need nurses to care for sick people, there for I should become a nurse.
Are young girls and boys all wanting to work in Creative fields, PR, Publishing, Magazines, Interior Design, or high paying roles such as Banking or Corporate whatever, where you are compensated amazingly disproportionately to the rest of society for your work?

I think gay youth is especially vulnerable to big dreams as we usually have to hide who we are from our classmates at school, we may be caring around a lot of gay pain that other youth don’t have, and hence we dream big and our dreams are our saving grace. We all go “One day……” be it successful careers, famous, wealthy, a hot partner and good looking our selves. I at least have always felt the need to be extraordinary, not ordinary, and I guess part of it came from knowing I would never be loved for who I was by the people I grew up around, so I had better be amazing so that people wouldn’t be able do anything but like me.

In conclusion, in a post Anthony Robins - Live your dreams, world, where teachers are teaching "do whatever will make you happy", how are young people going to reconcile their dreams to a post GFC world where we are fast realizing that the money is running out and all the excess that came with borrowed capital is unsustainable?
Is the new reality going to be a more 1950's suburban - teacher, nurse, police man expectation for a career......
And did Sex and the City encapsulate the USA and other western countries at their economic peak, which we will never surpass as wealth is more evenly distributed across the globe with the rise of the third world countries?

Relating this back to Gay life in Sydney, Grindr is changing the way we hook up, like the internet did in the late 90's, but it will become passé like face book did after we all used it too much.

People say the pent up sexual energy that came with being persecuted for being gay in the 70's and 80's, is dissipating, my personal life philosophy is "you only get one life, so your only responsibility is to have as much fun as you can, because you can never have your youth over again"
The Catholic tradition that I was raised in say "there is redemption to be found through suffering"
To bring all these threads together, Sydney is a wonderful city where we can have sexual freedom and fulfillment, at least in the inner city areas, with gay life reaching a new sexual norm for those who live it, where will the new frontier be?