An Existential Crisis

I nearly wrote this a few days ago when I was still in the middle of my funk. It is a little bit scary to write about big problems while you are still going through them, its much better write about them after they are over with some distance and wit. But writing this blog, well at least thinking about what I want to write about helped move some heavy thought road block I have been going through the last weeks. It all started after sex with Mr_Soul. The super high quality has put me of sex with other people. I guess it’s a form of being in love. I know he is out of my league and I’m not about to try and track him down until my body is to a level where I feel we are more equal, otherwise the power balance would be too in his favour, I need to believe that I am as desirable otherwise it would do my head in thinking he could get anyone he wanted, and I couldn’t. So after a few unenthusiastic fucks, one with batman, and another with two French tourists, I decided not have sex until my sex drive returns, as its just to painful to fuck someone you’re not into.
I was getting quite melancholy and some of it was missing Mr_Soul but it grew into more than that. I had some big decisions to make.

1. After my stellar sex life the last few months with lots of hot fucks, I know what the view from the top of Sex Mountain is going to look like and I need more. Sure if I get my body into better shape I will keep getting more and more sexy offers but, eventually my looks will fade so it’s not sustainable and there is only so far one can go with sexual exploration. Sure I love sex with new guys, it’s kind of wonderful getting to know new people in an interment way, but after a while there is only so far you can go in getting to know someone through sex. Don’t get me wrong I have had a wonderful time and am very lucky with all the guys I have enjoyed a wonderful time with, but I need to make my mind up about a few things.
2. I have never thought I could date a guy long term, other than a few fucks I can’t go any further than that. I hate it. I have tried but I just can’t be interment with a man other than sex. More than a few times. Mostly only once. This led me to think I probably wasn’t gay as it has always been like this right from when I started exploring things with guys 8 years ago. Part of the reason for me writing this blog was to try on the gay identity more. I have never felt comfortable with the gay image of myself no matter how many people put that label on me.
3. I have much more ease being close to females, which lead me to believe that I would one day end up in a long term relationship with a woman, but I haven’t had a romantic female interest in over a year so thought there was a change going on inside me and that the status quos that lives inside me was shifting.
4. I don’t want to go through this life alone, I can’t make it work with guys and girls have been pissing me off with their selfishness lately. So there I have put it down on paper my existential crisis.
I would never lie to a female to get sex, and hence choose to live my life fancy freed in the gay world having as much sex as I choose without complications, just the way I like it until I want something else.

When you think you won’t be gay for your whole life it gives you a reason not to go through the whole coming out to everyone, just a few close friends who will take you as whoever you are because they love you. I have been trying to come out to Hot_builder because we have been hanging more and more and I would like to be honest, and stop changing my sex stories to female, so I can tell him the real male version, but the timing hasn’t been right, as you need a lot of time when you need to get someone up to speed on years of lies.
This has been a large part of my dilemma, the more people I come out to, the more concrete my gay persona will be and I have been trying to own it. But it’s just not working, not matter how hard I try to be gay, I just can’t make it stick in my brain that that’s the life I can see myself living in the future.
So I have decided that my funk is not about being gay at all, it’s I haven’t had any female romance, interest of attention in ages and it’s messing with my head. So to any readers who are gay and don’t know me I guess I have just come out…… as bi sexual. Sorry if that offends you, I know bi men are generally hated by everyone, especially people who like to see sexuality as concrete not fluid.

The number of times I have been told, “no you’re gay you just can’t admit it” shits me, I have tried to be gay, I can’t, sex no probs, guys are hot, but so are some girls, I just refuse to be a pussy slave while I don’t want to settle down like most straight guys have to be, the things straight guys do and put up with just to have sex is unbelievable to me.
I saw a good looking young guys walk out of a brothel on Friday afternoon, as I was working across the street, he looked like an AFL star and he has to pay for sex! $200 for an hour. WHY? $15 and I get hours and hours of fun, massages and sex with as many hottie as I can. Who needs a genie in a bottle when all I have to do is rub my dick and all my dreams come true. I reckon if more straight guys got over their homophobia, and by that I mean scared to be gay themselves, they would realize how much fun they miss out on. I know lots of guys are attracted to each other but don’t act on it as it’s all too scary for them to deal with. I by no means think everyone is gay, there are so many boring ugly straighties around, you can keep them, I don’t want them around, they are all yours ladies. Enjoy.

I broke my sex drought on Friday night I picked up a beautiful dark man who is the spitting image of Usher, and a DJ as well. Usher is a fav of mine at the moment, so it was kind of very hot to be fucking him for hours last night. An Usher came home with me after we went out to dinner and stayed the night. It was lovely. But Usher asked me if I could date him, I said no, as he is seeing someone else, I am not being a rebound or the reason to leave a relationship; you make those decisions on your own, not around me. Ps. I also know you cheat, so why would I want a cheater?
In case you haven’t heard the rumors the real Usher is rumored at the very least to be Bi if not gay, he apparently has large orgies in hotel rooms where the number of good looking guys to girls is high and he is not too shy in paying them attention even servicing the boys as well. That’s my boy, hot, talented and bi sexual, just the way I like them. The real Usher is in Australia ATM, I wonder….was it? I also notice that in his latest film clip he doesn’t once dance with a girl is that his way of doing something for the gay movement? Here is the link to DJ Got Us Falling In Love Again
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxcBlU-yUoY

Any way I told The_Open that I took a Lover last night and that he was black, and The_Open said “ that would be right, I can so see you with some black dude, it’s so you, you always have to be the cool one with a hot interracial boy friend. No WASPY white bread for you.” “Yeah I know, interracial relationships are the ultimate form of cool ATM, I could pull it off” it’s true I have cool a factor that would make me an Usher work. The_Open the said “You know I never trust a girl with a black boy friend, you know she’s a greedy bitch, she wants it all, a big black dick and a status symbol” “What the fuck is going on in your brain? Did you read that somewhere or did you make that up yourself?” I said “I have always thought that” said the_open. “Well I think your fucked, but I’m going to use it in my blog” And I have.