What a Strange Day

I have just had one of those bizarre days that leaves you wondering how things can travel so far off Corse from the day you thought were going to have.  My Jeep wouldn’t start so I couldn’t leave for Canberra in it, but that’s ok, I just jumped in the ute and also managed to chase up $4000 of unpaid invoices, so a pretty productive day, and then at 4:30 pm I get a phone call from hot builder as I am about to leave, his truck has broken down in Sydney  he is stuck here and do I want to meet up and can he stay with me, no probs, cool I get to see him, nice, so we go to dinner at a groovy Argentinean tapas Restaurant Potenos with my neighbor, and Gorge from Master Chef was there sitting across from us, and we know the Maitradee, so it was one of those cozy Sydney moments where we were feeling a nice little sense of community, but not just any community, cool shiny glam Sydney community.

Hot builder falls asleep in the car as I am driving him and neighbor home, its ok he is tired and he lives life like action man, its kind of cute, and when home we talk for half an hour and he goes to sleep on my day bed, while I’m listing to some nice tunes on my Harmon/Karden.  He says, keep the music on, as he drifts off to sleep.  So I decide I can’t sleep after such a big meal, so maybe I will sit up and think for a while.  I am on my couch thinking and listening to music and he is sleeping.  It was a nice moment.  A kind of togetherness without effort, which is kind of the nicest togetherness.   So I am thinking about he and I, we have known each other since 11, been friends since we were 25 and we have something.  I can’t put my finger on it.  He is extremely good looking and sexual, but kind and gives me attention.  But we don’t hang out heaps, and might talk once every 2 weeks on the phone.  I have always thought that I had an attraction to him and that my feelings where just my own projecting onto him.  But now I am beginning to think is there more to it than that?  Do I think he is gay, no not really?  Do I think he is attracted to me?  Well that’s what I have struggled with, he is so much hotter than me in my eyes I had never thought it possible he could like me the same way I like him.  But the sleeping thing, he does it all the time we go out for a night out and he falls asleep next to me in the car all the time.  I thought he just pushed his body to the limit and was exhausted a lot and that could be it, but he must feel safe around me.  I have had a few people in my life that when I am near them I get calm and feel safe to sleep in front of, am I that to him? Or is he like that with lots of people?   When I dream of him, its not really anything sexual, I usually want him in my bed when I am tired, like really tired and strung out, and then I dream that he likes me and sleeps in my bed and holds me.  More a straight mate thing, where he is cool enough to sleep next to me and hold me when I am at my whit’s end.  I guess I don’t really want to posses his body, fine as it is, I am attracted to his energy which is always positive and unflustered, that is where his real attractiveness is.  He has a positive life energy about him that when you are around him you feel like life is Wonderful and truly great to be alive, dreams do come true and you can achieve anything you put your mind and super fit body to.

I would say it even goes further than that, I feel a spiritual element to it.  I don’t want to sound like a dickhead who can’t separate a crush from spiritual stuff, but when I am around him I really feel like I am living on a different plain.  Which makes me ask, what can come of our friendship?  Will we continue to cruise on with nothing much changing?  I don’t think we could have sex and go back to what we have, so either that is all in my head or we are one day going to break though to another world of connection.  I’m only 50% sure that is even on offer, but I am starting to see things that he likes about me.  He has the six pack, arms, smooth tanned skin and sexy tough guy attitude, but I think he may like me.  I can’t quite see why, maybe he is curious and sees me as a safe play zone, or maybe its real love?  I have always discounted that saying no its all me, its in my head, but maybe he’s wanted me for ages and neither of us is out to each other?  I was trying to tell him today, but he was agitated as he was flying to Thailand tomorrow and has lots to do in 12 hours to fix his truck before he leaves, so I left it for another time, if ever.  He is so scatty, that its hard to focus him on anything, and that is one part that makes me think he is curious, he distracts himself constantly as a way of avoiding feelings bubbling up.  One day if he sits still for long enough he might look at some of those feelings.

I find it hard to pin point what I like about him, but even harder to think what he likes about me.  He thinks I’m funny, and kind, sexy? Mmmm doubtful, he has never really let me know that, but the very first night we hung out together he did offer for me to sleep in his bed with him, I thought it was a test and chose the couch, but was it?    I think he likes my intelligence and he is always doing nice things for me.  But is it anything deeper than that?  I can’t put my finger on it.  I think yes, but why there is no proof other than kindness and he is sexy, he has never touched me or kissed me or suggested anything and yet I think yes, is he just an outrageous flirt?

 I guess my aim is to get him still enough for long enough for him to have to show his true feelings, when you are never still you don’t have to feel anything.

So today we went shopping on King St, he bought some underwear for his girl friend and then a drag outfit for himself so he can crash his sisters baby shower! We caused quite the stir in the op shop as he tried on dresses and high heels, very funny a really butch builder with tats in the change room shouting out “Cassius get me more dresses, make them blue, I like blue” and getting me to take photos and send them to his girl friend with the whole op shop watching and laughing, as he modeled each dress for me.

After getting rid of him, I found the Ute had a flat, so yet again I couldn’t leave Sydney! 2 hours later I decided to stay another night, again, and this time have dinner with BF.  We haven’t hung out for 2 weeks so I thought we were over, but tonight after dinner he wanted to suck me off in the Ute.  It was kind of cool, and horny teenager in its feel , he blew me out the front of someone’s house in suburbia!  Look mummy at those two men in that Ute out the front of our house and one keeps putting his head in the other ones lap, while the other one lays down.  It’s a bit of a cliché but at least a gay version this time, hot tradies being sucked of in their Utes all over Sydney.  It did make me feel like the cool Jock who ever one wants a piece of.

I think I should stop calling BF, BF as we are back to that dreaded no man’s land where we are indefinable, but as long as we can keep it light and friendly then I’m happy with that.