How Invested Are Your Friends?

In the episode of Sex and the City where the girls go to Atlantic City for Charlottes’ 35th birthday day the sequel, or as Carrie called it “Charlottes’ thirty faux birthday”, this episode has Carrie obsessing about not wasting time on guys who come and go, but investing time in her friend ships which she is convinced will be the only relationships that count and go the distance, because as she points out women live longer than men. Charlotte doesn't want to skip over the drama that comes from relations with men, as she says “That’s life, that’s everything, I don’t want to skip over life.”
Carrie says “You don’t wake up one day with enough money to retire, you invest for your retirement, it’s the same with friends, you don’t wake up one day with friends who are there for you, you have to invest in your friendships.”

As gay men we are not famous for relationships. As a demographic I would think that we rate the lowest in successful long term relationships, in fact I don’t know any older gay male couples I know my friends don’t either, so it’s not uncommon to not know any men who can go the distance. It would be interesting to know who does better statistically between Lesbian and Straight couples.

So based on my own observations and I think social evidence women are much better at forming and maintaining relationships with large networks of friends. I know as gay men we are pretty special and talented socially and I guess almost a hybrid between male and females, in as much as we often have female levels of social skills trapped in a male body.

So if I take a stab at some rough statistics and hypothesize the reality is that 95% of gay men will never end up in a relationship that goes the distance, that leaves a whole bunch of lonely men. So if friendships are the answer and I think they are the only answer in this situation, how do you make sure that your friends are as invested in your happiness as you are in theirs?

Let’s say that girls are the typical friends of gay men, but they get married and partner off, they are always going to put their children and husbands before their gay friend, even if he is her best friend. Then there is the sharing with the husband. Straight guys are my best guy friends, I actually only have one gay friend, but it’s not a clever idea to rely on straight men for the level of intimacy that most of us need and want, as that’s not their strong point.

So I find myself at a place where I am questioning certain friends’ commitment to me. It’s not really their fault as I have just arrived at a place where I am cognitively aware of what it takes to be a committed good friend, not just a fair weather friend. In an interview I saw Sarah Jessica Parker say that she is grateful for playing Carrie because it taught her how to be a better friend in real life and I would have to agree, that the friendship that the four girls in SATC portray would be the highest functioning friendship group I have ever seen.
I have tried to educate a few friends around me how they could be a better friend to me, subtly , but it’s like water off a ducks back, they are not as invested as I am, and change is something that does not benefits them. Well it would, but they can’t see it yet.

So that brings me to my next question how do you make your friends as invested as you? Or how do you choose and make friends that will be?

This is VERY IMPORTANT to gay men, their friendships are their life support system. Our friends have to be there for us the way a partner would be, as we don’t have anyone else. Lots of gay men are abandoned by their families, don’t have children and have sporadic partners. We get sick and sad just like other people if not more. We have financial problems, sure we may not have children, but we also have to pay a mortgage off on one income.

If you don’t make your own traditional family, then how do you get your urban sudo family to feel as though they are in the same boat as you? How do replicate loyalty and “where all in this together” outside the traditional family unit.

This is a big question and one that has only formulated as I was writing this, so I don’t have the answer. But I read that nearly 8 million or 40% of Australians will live on their own by 2030? I can’t remember when, but it means that the quest of replicating the support network that families usually provide is something that nearly half of us will have to face.

Please leave any good ideas below.