Down With Love: The Saunas

Take away the fear of catching something from sleeping with randoms, which is a legitimate fear in my mind, and the other negative feeling I had about going to Saunas was guilt.  Guilty about what I’m not so sure, of being caught? By who though? Who am I afraid of seeing me there or coming or going?  No one really.  The_open has a fear that he will meet someone who will judge and not date someone who goes or used to go to them, but that isn’t really a fear of mine, if they are that closed minded about sex, then we would get along anyway. 

I had a new fear in late 2009 that while I was spending all this time staring at ceilings in saunas that other boys and girls were out in the sunshine building support networks and a life together.  This paranoia that I was falling behind was highlighted one evening while I was sitting at the Five Ways chicken shop in Paddington watching all these tall, Anglo-Saxon, beautiful couples driving their beautiful European Cars, walking their designer Labra-doodle dogs, some with their Polo Ralph Lauren clad children walk and drive by.  These couples where only few years older than me, and they had their shit together, they could afford to either rent or buy a Terrace in Paddington.  I took the_open there a week latter and he had the exact same reaction that I had had the week before;  Holy shit we are falling behind and fast!  His reaction was to not go to saunas any more, well I wasn’t convinced that I could stop going, but the funny thing was that I was the one who stopped for 6 months and the_open couldn’t.  But the final 6 months of 2010 were the complete opposite, I fucked and fucked and fucked and had the most mind blowing sex of my life.  So where do I stand now? Somewhere in the middle.  I wish I put more effort into meeting new people socially, but I think sexual adventures are important as well, not that I remember them soon after they have happened.

If memories fade than building a life that is heading somewhere good is more important.  The part I hate about going to saunas now is it confirms in my mind that romance and love is dead.  That sex and orgasms are all that there is left.  I hate that.  The_open is now in a relationship that looks healthy and functional, hell has frozen over and I’m back to being living a chase life again, but not because I am trying, because I am too busy and fat, its busy fat celibacy.  I am writing this trying to gather my thoughts so I don’t go, but I can’t seem to find a good enough reason or something better to do.  May be I will go get my hair washed by the Arab hairdresser again maybe that will be enough intimacy to hold me off going.