Winter Plan

It’s hard to believe but the year is already 1 / 10^th over.  There are only 16 days of summer left.  Winter and the end of day light saving will be on us soon.  I’m a planner, I like to plan, and so far my new year’s resolutions are further away then when I wrote them.  I’ve been sick, not working, so no money, business is not good, so no new Mercedes 4wd, no overseas holiday, I made it to the gym three times this week so I’m feeling a little better.  I haven’t been out much so no new stable friends around me to improve my Sydney network.  Mardi gras will be here and so will my 31^st birthday, I’m a Pisces.  Sometimes I feel like I’m marching towards the grave, but not today, so I won’t be that morbid.  I used to hate winter, but last summer was so humid that I made up my mind I was going to like winter better than summer this year and it worked, I breezed through winter without getting SAD (seasonal affected disorder) but nothing beats being SAD like a holiday to somewhere warm, like New Caledonia.  My new winter holiday dream. 

They speak French, and have recently launched a new gay campaign to make it a gay holiday hotspot.  Well sign me in I could do with fucking a few hot French soldiers on a winter sun vaca.  Winter usually makes me more thoughtful as I spend more time indoors thinking, but since writing this blog, I wouldn’t really like to be any more self examining than I am now, so I wonder what winter will bring this year.  I heard a rumor on the grape vine that I might be given access to my trust fund, after being denied 10 years longer than my other siblings.  Some said they thought it was because my parents suspected I was gay and didn’t want to give me money, well it’s a constant source of anger to me, so I try not to think about it, but if that happens this year, what would you do if you came into a whack of money you hadn’t worked for?  I have been contemplating moving to the Mediterranean and partying with the other super rich kids.  Have the jet set life that I should have had in my 20’s but never did.  I’m happy in Sydney so no need to leave.  Money does make young people a little more interesting because they can live without limits.  I’m curious as to what interesting characters I might meet, with the Euro trash set in St. Tropez. 

 I used to party with the rich kids and they were funny, a bit insecure and unhappy but defiantly not boring, and a bit too druggy for my liking, I have no need to push the boundaries in that area.  It’s interesting to think what I would do if I was to go from working class to retired in a day. 

I’m living without religious guilt for the first time, nearly ever, I just won’t buy into it anymore, so that’s like a holiday in its self.  I wonder if I hadn’t been brought up to be afraid of being gay would I have come out 10 years ago, got in touch with my real passions and who I’m meant to be on this earth and lived happily ever after?  Interesting thought, but hey I’ve had fun so far so no regrets.  I may be living without guilt but I still don’t feel any closer to finding out what it is I’m supposed to do with myself.  A friend say that he doesn’t think I was ever meant to work, I’m supposed to be one of those people who just exists, who just is, like an art installation, who’s that, that’s Cassius, like Madonna, one name recognition, what’s he do? He doesn’t do, he just is.  Mmmm a walking breathing art installation is that who I’m supposed to be?  I used to want to make beautiful spaces for people to live in, that’s why I did architecture, but now I couldn’t really give a fuck, you can all live in your little ticky tacky boxes.   Maybe I’m relationship ready and someone else with bring it out in me? Is that it? Maybe.