High Times

I stumbled across an old CD on the internet that has been lost since an afternoon when my car was stolen.  It’s funny when someone’s life is out of control we say they are a “car crash” and needless to say this car theft and subsequent crash represented a very much out of control life.  

My early twenties were very fast paced when I look back; I worked very hard, and partied extremely dedicatedly.  I got my energy from huge dreams, next to none of which have come true, except for one big one, and this is inner peace.  Nothing I dreamed about ever really came off, but I guess I was really just striving for inner peace all along, so I did get there.

Huge anxiety is one thing that has run through my life.  I guess it comes with setting big goals; the pain of not reaching them comes with it.  I had total abandonment by my family to deal with due to my sexuality on top of just plain big young person dreams.  I find it extremely hard to feel safe in my own skin when the people who brought me into this world think I’m evil and possible disgusting for being gay.  And the church they belong to backs up this belief.  If I’m suppose to have faith, according to their beliefs, than I would have to believe that I am not the way God wanted me to be and have to change for having the sexual desires that I have.  This is a huge load to carry around in my twenties.  If religious leaders are supposed to be enlightened and close to God, then either I or they are wrong, which is a recipe for tension.  It’s a big call to say that I am smarter than a whole religion, and all those great minds and centuries of learning.

I guess what I am trying to do is replace one belief system with another, but I haven’t found one to replace the one I was raised in.  So it’s pretty scary to drop all of one’s beliefs and fly as a free spirit.  One belief I am trying out at the moment is that there is a positive reason for two men to make a life together.  I haven’t read or seen any where why two gay men living together is a good thing.  I have only seen the problems with the gay community and gay relationships.  I need to find a poster couple that I can look up to as an example of great things that come from two men together.