Thursday, November 8, 2012

Don't Get Angry At Him, Fix Yourself



So to catch you up on whats been going on.  In the middle of the sexy fucking week I had a few weeks ago, someone contacted me online to do porn for their website, I told my Bondi boy in attempt to make him focus on me, but instead he told me he had already made porn, and loved it! and is very proud of the porn he made.  So instead I ended up feeling jealous.  If we were sleeping together every night, it would be different, but seeing as it had been 4 weeks and no sex..... I was feeling neglected and stupid.

A week after that it had got to 5 weeks no sex and I was over it.  Talk every day while he was at work, but never made any time for me weekdays or weekends.  I was very upset about being rejected.  He then out of the blue made contact about a business matter.  We went to dinner that night, and it all come out, he is a massive druggie.  I conluded that he probably had been telling the truth when he said he liked me, but drugs just made him happier than me, so thats where he put his time and energy.  I was slightly relieved at not being rejected... but drugs are not good.  He really wanted to met my brother for business reasons, and I had my own reasons for wanting him to meet my brother, mainly to make my brother think about choices he has made in his life, persueing money and a stable older man, in my eyes not love.

Well that dinner went like a dream! I have never been at such a wonderful dinner in my life.  He was so charming and sexy, no hollywood film has ever made a movie with a scene as good the dinner I sat through with my sort of BF metting my gay brother and making that brother so jealous of who I was dating!! it was fantastic! and I found myself falling in love with him even more.  After dinner I drove him home and dropped him off and he sent me a text thanking me for letting him met my Brother.
I wrote back
"Happy to help, you are super fun to hang with, but I hope you realise I really like you, and I hope you feel the same way about me."
He never replied at all.

I made up my mind that night that I could no longer like a guy who was ambivilant about me.  So I did the ever so painful walk away.  I ignored him for two weeks. That night I started to get sick with a lung infection and I have been extreemly sick and my asthma has come back in a huge way.  The steriods im on for my lungs are strong and make me depressed.  So I have been sick, breathless, dumped and depressed.... a pretty shit combination.
I was so sick I became delirious, and had a very vivid vision with him with me at my time of death, the message being take him seriously he will stick by you for 50 years and not desert you.  When I woke from my vision I gave in and texted "how you been?" to him.  He orgaised for us to meet up straight way the next night.  I was happy to be seeing him again, and I had been having massive 4 hour coughing fits every day.  When I left his apartment the next morning I realised we had been in bed together for 11 hours and I hadn't coughed once...... I was totally shocked at this.  Was he possibly really that good for me.
He made more of an effort and asked me to see him again soon.  If he means it, that will be a first, and sign i think he is starting to have feelings for me.
I think maybe I can see love in his eyes for me.... Im not sure, and time will tell.... so im giving him another chance, I am going to make sure I present myself as a catch and the prize this time, because last time I was so shocked a hottie liked me I put all me energy into what I wanted from him, not what I could offer him.  I REALLY hope we work out, but there is a good chance he will choose drugs over me, or even just loose interest again, as I think he has a very limited love brain, but I hope it grows for me.  On his fridge he had stuck "Love is Greater than Money" I hope that is truely what he believes and wants.