Thursday, November 14, 2013

Self Esteem

I've been living life at a cracking pace, and I've had no time to write this.  Depending on what day I wrote this, it would have been a totally different story from the last 5 months, but this post is the story from today.

I've come to a conclusion.  There are no short cuts.  If you love yourself just the way you are, than that's great.  But if you don't, than the only thing you can do is change into the person you want to be.
15 months of trying for the most part unsuccessfully to date the man I fell in love with, who frankly probably doesn't love me.  There are confusing signs that blur that conclusion, such as 50 to 100 text messages a day, and that he chased me at the start when I was very over weight and he had a 6 pack, and that we still talk nearly every day after 15 months, I if want to talk to him.

But despite my best efforts he is seeing some one else now, I don't see the other guy as any competition really as he is ugly and looks un intelligent, but I have never known pain as strong as the knife that went through my heart the day I found out. and the few times I have seen them together, or been brave / foolish enough to facebook stalk them.

The conclusion I have drawn is he made me feel the most intense feelings of my life.  I didn't invent those feelings, he couldn't have either.  Those feelings come from God, or the universe or how ever you want to explain the world.  People try to fight love or passion and explain it away as brain chemistry and put boundaries around it in other ways to diminish it.  I tried, but I don't think it works unless you want to enter the world of repression, and im not a fan of that at all.
I want to own those feelings and never lose them,  They were the best feeling of my life, why would I want to ever lose it.
I don't think I have had the same effect on him.  And it upsets me that I couldn't give him the same highs that he gave me.  But I am a work in progress and I am getting closer to being the guy who can be the dream maker.  When you have dated someone who can bring out those feelings in other guys, its possible to learn how to do it yourself.  I am slowly learning to have that magnetism on people.  I have caused a few disasters by attraction crazy desperate guys, they were stories on their own.

So this is my thinking
I didn't create those feelings they found me
I can either look at them as a curse or blessing, I choose blessing,
The way I do that is to realise he made me feel those feelings, I want him around so I can keep feeling them. But he isn't, so I have to realise that he brought them out in me, but those feelings came from me.  I have been meditating to focus on those feelings to see if I can get to the bottom of them.
Part of the powerfulness comes from lack with in me.  Un happiness about my appearance and I have also realised that I wasn't loved my parents, I have to bridge that gap as well.  Its not an easy task to do.  When you realise that the people who are supposed to love you don't.  How do you figure out how to fix that without turning into damaged goods?  Well that is what I have been working on.  My boy is also a manifestation of this need for love.
I don't think I have it all figured out yet, but love comes from within, not from with out,  That is a simply as I can explain it.  If you had loving parents you got it from them, if you have a healthy relationship you get it from your partner.  I have neither.  So where is my love coming from?  The only answer I have is, if you calm your mind, the source of love within you flows and you can feel it.

I'm writing this to help other people who might read this, the knowledge of where to find love is not common at all.

I do think the guy I like and I will have more to do with each other, but maybe not in the way we were last time.  As far as the guy he is seeing, I think it is game on, I don't feel good about it unless I get competitive and then I feel happy and back incontrol.  Competing for love is not the way I see things should go, I guess I think it should just happen smoothly.  But coming back to my first point, if there are changes to make for you to be happy with yourself, competition is a great way to make them happen.

Love does come from with in.  But it doesn't mean that im not going to compete to get the man I love

. just Like Gilda, i'm radiant and frazzled at the same time

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Club Training

I am blessed with 5 beautiful female friends with beautiful voices, one of them lives in Canberra and today we rehearsed all day two different sets for her to perform at my new club.  She was totally amazing.  I am actually very excited how far we could go.  Her voice and my brains.  Her song choice was terrible, with out me she wouldn't go very far, and I own the club I can promote her very well.

Ive been practicing living in the present and surrendering my ego to the present moment.  Apparently this where all gift and graces come from, surrendering your will about what you want  the future to be, and just living in the now is where all happiness comes from.  Been battling letting go of my Bondi Boy, but I surrendered and this morning I had the most beautiful dream where he was happy and had joy in his heart.  This was the one thing I wanted for him, and I was upset that I wasn't able to help him find it.  But I think this dream was my gift, I could finally see what he would be like with joy  and happiness, and I think now that I have see it, I can help him find it.  Not sure how yet, but then today his drug dealer phoned me and said "im in Canberra lets hang out" If I can help her change her life, than maybe she will help him, I hope this is true.  I am probably the only friend she has who doesn't use her to supply drugs, this should make her trust me I think, and look to see where I get my happiness from, and maybe copy me.

I told a very hot Leb Architect in Lebanon that he can come and live with me, to see If we want to live together permantly.  Scary, because we are just facebook friends we have never met, but life is short time to through caution to the wind, I have no dating option here in Canberra, and I am very happy here, so I can help a gay arab have a chance at life with me and in Australia.

Seeing a therapist, and she thinks all the catholic guilt bull shit I was brought up with is making me sick, will be interesting to see if this true.

Came out to my mother and she hasn't talked to me in two weeks.  I might be homeless in two weeks, but I don't worry, I just stay in the present and trust something will work out.

Ive been incredibly sick for 6 weeks, so I have just been meditating on the pain and practising surrendering to the moment, not much else I could do.
Been reading heal your self, the spiritual meaning of illness, interesting read.  Its interesting pondering that all physical illness are related to the spiritual and emotional world,

I think perhaps my biggest news is that I have reprogramed myself from thinking the world is a bad miserable place, as I was taught as a child, will be interesting to see if this belief was causing my illness.... 3 years of illness.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013


After I completely fell apart, my life in Sydney that is, I was running 15km a day around centernial park crying my eyes out over leaving my bondi boy behind, on top of that I was closing my business, I had been abandond by my family, I was sick, I lost my apartment and I was leaving behind Sydney when I had been very happy here, and only a few months before I left I had made some amazing support successful friends who had been there for me, and had shown me how good life can be with the right friends.

I arrived in Canberra to live and be looked after by my Aunt and Uncle as my health has completely gone on me and I need 6 months to get better.

I was training hard and getting better but now my right lung has colapsed and I have been in and out of hospital.  On top of all of this, I was being harrassed by the lawyer who owned the apartment I lived in, and I owed a builder money, I was feeling terrible.

But on the flip side, I met an amazing guy who told me about "A New Earth" by Ekart Tolle, It has completely changed my life, and if are interested type "A New Earth Oprah" in google and whatch her pod cast about this book, truly life changing stuff.

Basically its about finding inspiration from with in, not from external sources, so by not thinking, but meditation and being in the present moment, aware of your body, all true inpiration flows, the source of all your power.  I has worked for me.

I was at dinner with 3 developers, one worth 800 mill, another 400 mill and another 200 mill, and they all asked me for my phone number because they thought I was awesome fun!, 4 people asked me to manage their restraunts and I am opening a brand new night club with some one, for 300 people its, really big and is going to totally amazing, live Ivy in Sydney.... these oportunites found me.

My Bondi Boy has had his first taste of disappointment, what he totally needed, as he has always gotten every thing he wanted from life, and needs suffering to grow as a person.
I was feeling validated about my feelings for him, and that I wasnt stupid for liking him, like my friends all say I am, But today he was as cold as ice to me on the phone and he totally shook my confidence in beliving that he is loving under the bull shit exterior he puts up towards me, to stop himself from falling in love.
So I meditated on it, as all pain helps u grow through meditation, is my new belief, no answers yet, other than only time will prove him one way all the other.
Other opportunties that found me were, a famous business man tracked me down to have lunch with me, I mean like super famous, I was so flattered by this, Canberra's best looking guy asked me to be his training partner at Cross Fit, I was very happy about that, and Canberra hottest gay guy and I are now best friends, we talk every day and hang out ever weekend,  This guy is so hot, and my type, a butch lebo bottom, he is in the Army, and I think possibly SAS or special opps, because I can just tell he is secrative about he actually does.  We were dating, but he put me in the friend zone, it pisses me off as I don;t like anyone else down here, but I can't do anything about it, other than meditate.  It was good to feel something for some one other than the Bondi boy..... I wonder what life has instore for me next.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Sudden Life Change

Some thing has happened out of the blue that has changed everything.  I have decided to leave Sydney in a hurry for at least 6 different big reasons.  I really didnt see this coming and I am shocked and only semi getting my head around what has just happened.

After being sick for another month with a chest infection again, something inside of me broke, I had no fight left, I couldn't go on fighting for my life here.  I added up I have been sick for 16 out of the last 32 months with chest infections, and taking away the stress of being in business and finicial stress are the only 2 things left I can do to stop getting sick.
I don't know why this has happened to me, but I feel I going to get some answers one day.  Business was not good enough to warrant staying here, and I saw no point in getting a job.  I am actually looking forward to the change now, I have a family business that needs urgent attention interstate, so I thought I might as well do it from the farm as opposed to trying to travel interstate every weekend.

I have been fretting about leaving my guy, I actually havent told him yet.  But im sure he means more to me than me to him, so I would be surprised if I got much reaction from him.  I have been working on making myself strong, because he is a source of my strength, and I havent really known how to deal with me needing him, and him only liking me, not needing me.
A numerolist told me I have just clicked over into year 1, so its good im making massive changes to get rid of the energy for the last 9 year cycal, which frankly, has hurt like hell, and I never want another decade like that ever again.

So my plan is, move home,  lose the rest of the fat, get super hot and become massive heart breaker material, sell family farm, inheriate fortune, travel for a while, move back to sydney finacially well off and go back into business properly funded if thats where I feel I want to live after traveling.

I have a plan about my guy as well, I realised that because of my decade of misfortune I am so used to being a loser, that I have no winner identity in me.  He is a total winner, because as he says he has never once had a hardship in his life. Life would need to unsettle his good fortune for him to start to need me, or I am going to have to out perform him in the superfiality stakes.  This is my next challenge create the aura of a winner.  I really hope life is going to stop kicking the shit out of me, and for some reason I think it is going to get better!

I do feel that I am going to get what I want, I really think I deserve it, but I am struggling with the waiting.  I am not doing at all well waiting to feel better about myself, or for him to start needing me.
I am sitting at home now wondering why do I have to carry this pain in me? why must I go through this.  Why is it so hard, for him to need me.  I understand why things are the way they are between us, but why is it me who has to carry the burden.  I dont know what to do about the pain, I hurts, so much and I dont understand why, or the point.

I have deleted grindr to get ready for the country life where there is no point being on it.  With out constant distraction, the pain comes settling in... the unhappiness I have in my life is pressing on my chest.  I have no idea what its about or where it came from, but the stillness is making me squirm with pain.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Show Down at the OKay Coral

after being sick for month, Cabin fever had set in.  Needed a night out, all possible party buddies were out of town so I had to go it alone.  A randon invited me to the beresford so I thought I would chance it.  Afraid of seeing my guy out with his friends, and me with non, was on my mind, and sure enough as soon as I walked in the door he was there, friendly but aloof, drug aloof I think. Made a friend there, than his best friend decieded she liked my new friend and started chasing her.  So I ended up having my first ever night out with him and met most of his friends.  He was so fun to watch, the reasons I like him were there infront of me.  He ignored me all the night, so I spent it getting to know his best friend I think I did a good job winning her over, Ill need her on side.  There was a straight first grade football player there chasing her, but as she is in a lesbian phase she wasnt really interested, so he would come over to me and get me to kiss his neck, and give him a hickie!  He wanted a hickie off me.... it was very sexy.  Later in the night the drugs he was on must have been wearing off, because I kissed him again and stuck my tounge in his ear..... he didnt like it and acted pissed off! oops.

There is a darkness in my guy.  Im learning to deal with it.  He is an idiot. But he makes my life better than anyone my next step is to try and replicate the way he relates to the world, because the way he has set up his life, and interacts with the world works.... it really does.  He is the centre of his own universe, and I look for other people to make mine.  I need to copy what he does, because it is attractive, people are drawn to a self centered energy, it makes me and others feel that he is adding your world.  Left the club at 7 am with out him.  He will be a fool to let me get away.  I have learnt so much off him.  I hope he is smart enough to learn to lose the darkness, I can help him with that.  Im not sure he is learning off me, but maybe he is.  Ive lost 15 kg.  I am getting seriously hot.  I managing to full profession athletes now. Two people told me that I am the hottest guy they have even seen in their life, in the one day.  After another 10 kg to go, and when I have finished copying the things I like about him, It will be time to move on if he hasnt learnt to be loving.  The clock is ticking for both of us

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

The Education of Cassius Forrest

Its been a long time between posts, so I will get you up to date briefly.

We hit a sweet period sleeping over lots and dinners etc.  I was scared it was because his birthday was coming up and just wanted to be spoilt. I did spoil him.  I'm glad I did, it showed him who I am,  but I didn't get what I wanted from it, he doesnt lie, and said he didn't want a relationship, just liked me, wanted to have me in his life, and thought I was super decent.
After one final dinner with some of my friends I decided not to text him any more, I was up to him to decided he wanted me.  I was right he didn't make any effort.  We would occaionally chat.
He then did something that really pissed me off we went to lunch with my brother without letting me know.  I was so annoyed I went and had lunch at his brothers restaurant the next day and met his brother, it made me feel much better.  He messed with my head alot and I got very down about not being loved back the way I wanted to be.
Then on Christmas he spent a few hours with me, having rough kinky sex, so I find it interesting he spent his birthday and christmas with me.

I saw him the day after with a female friend of mine, who really didn't like him.
the next night we saw each other in Arq and I choose to igonor him.  I'm gald I did.  But I noticed that his friends didn't look very glamorous, and are perhaps a pack of druggie loosers.  He is overseas now on a drug holiday, and I am very happy with things.  I think I have found the first chink in his armor.  I think I have found what his attraction to me is based,  I am a fucking classy guy, and think he has figured out he will never met another guy like me.  I can see big problems on the horizon for us.  He would have to ditch all of his friendship group for us to be able to move on.  Finally I have something  on him.  My friends are off the ritcher scale better people than what his look like.

I never knew why a sexy guy with a six pack was wanting to fuck with me. I was 128 kg when we first met.  I am down to 117, I have lost 11 kg in 3 months.  I still have a fair bit to go.

Im lucky I have a killer face, a real hollywood movie star face, that people go ape shit for, and my body is very mascaline, very manly, big shoulder, big legs, huge balls, best arse in Sydney, well proportioned and athletic.

And then peace and calm came to me.  I have a sexy porn star fuck bud, who I get along with very well, who keeps coming back for more.  Why am I whinging???  Sure I want more.  but hey buddy I am a big fatty, I should be greatful for how much attention he gives me and the way he loves me.

he has taught me so many lessons these last 4 months.  How to throw away food was first, how to keep my apartment clean and stream lined, how to not get depressed and chase down what I want from life.  He has motivated me to get fit.

A sexy past fuck bud told me he wasn't attracted to me because I was not fit and too nice.  He wants a bad boy.  I realise now that I am going to have to turn myself into a mountain to climb for my guy to want to own this.  He has made him self into a mountain for me, and I feel lucky to have him, but I was a push over for him.  Hopefully in two months I can be in the weight range I want to be.  Then with body confidence will come the attitude to go with it.  Then hopefully he will realise what he has in front of him.  He is a big game player, I am going to have to learn a few of my own to keep him interested.
People are already offereing me money for sex, its so funny, being seen as a hotty.  My brain has gone into over drive, I need to fuck with my guys head, but im still not sure how yet.