Thursday, November 14, 2013

Self Esteem






I've been living life at a cracking pace, and I've had no time to write this.  Depending on what day I wrote this, it would have been a totally different story from the last 5 months, but this post is the story from today.

I've come to a conclusion.  There are no short cuts.  If you love yourself just the way you are, than that's great.  But if you don't, than the only thing you can do is change into the person you want to be.
15 months of trying for the most part unsuccessfully to date the man I fell in love with, who frankly probably doesn't love me.  There are confusing signs that blur that conclusion, such as 50 to 100 text messages a day, and that he chased me at the start when I was very over weight and he had a 6 pack, and that we still talk nearly every day after 15 months, I if want to talk to him.

But despite my best efforts he is seeing some one else now, I don't see the other guy as any competition really as he is ugly and looks un intelligent, but I have never known pain as strong as the knife that went through my heart the day I found out. and the few times I have seen them together, or been brave / foolish enough to facebook stalk them.

The conclusion I have drawn is he made me feel the most intense feelings of my life.  I didn't invent those feelings, he couldn't have either.  Those feelings come from God, or the universe or how ever you want to explain the world.  People try to fight love or passion and explain it away as brain chemistry and put boundaries around it in other ways to diminish it.  I tried, but I don't think it works unless you want to enter the world of repression, and im not a fan of that at all.
I want to own those feelings and never lose them,  They were the best feeling of my life, why would I want to ever lose it.
I don't think I have had the same effect on him.  And it upsets me that I couldn't give him the same highs that he gave me.  But I am a work in progress and I am getting closer to being the guy who can be the dream maker.  When you have dated someone who can bring out those feelings in other guys, its possible to learn how to do it yourself.  I am slowly learning to have that magnetism on people.  I have caused a few disasters by attraction crazy desperate guys, they were stories on their own.

So this is my thinking
I didn't create those feelings they found me
I can either look at them as a curse or blessing, I choose blessing,
The way I do that is to realise he made me feel those feelings, I want him around so I can keep feeling them. But he isn't, so I have to realise that he brought them out in me, but those feelings came from me.  I have been meditating to focus on those feelings to see if I can get to the bottom of them.
Part of the powerfulness comes from lack with in me.  Un happiness about my appearance and I have also realised that I wasn't loved my parents, I have to bridge that gap as well.  Its not an easy task to do.  When you realise that the people who are supposed to love you don't.  How do you figure out how to fix that without turning into damaged goods?  Well that is what I have been working on.  My boy is also a manifestation of this need for love.
I don't think I have it all figured out yet, but love comes from within, not from with out,  That is a simply as I can explain it.  If you had loving parents you got it from them, if you have a healthy relationship you get it from your partner.  I have neither.  So where is my love coming from?  The only answer I have is, if you calm your mind, the source of love within you flows and you can feel it.

I'm writing this to help other people who might read this, the knowledge of where to find love is not common at all.

I do think the guy I like and I will have more to do with each other, but maybe not in the way we were last time.  As far as the guy he is seeing, I think it is game on, I don't feel good about it unless I get competitive and then I feel happy and back incontrol.  Competing for love is not the way I see things should go, I guess I think it should just happen smoothly.  But coming back to my first point, if there are changes to make for you to be happy with yourself, competition is a great way to make them happen.

Love does come from with in.  But it doesn't mean that im not going to compete to get the man I love

. just Like Gilda, i'm radiant and frazzled at the same time

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