K'naan and Lebanon

When I was driving around Lebanon in my 100,000 $ black Infinity, I found this CD in the CD players, i was blown away.  I saw poverty all around me, poor people struggling all around me.  And here was some one singing about what I was looking at.  There are lots of Black African's in Lebanon sweeping the streets and and every police car had a black person in the back deporting the illegal arrivals.  It upset me alot, the music and the poverty but it was import that I saw how the rest of the world has to live, and yet they keep bringing children into this life of poverty and missery it is hard for me to comprehend how they could do that.

The Most Romantic Hair Cut in the World

I just had one of my all time greatest fantasies happen, and it wasn't even planned and I didn't even know I would ever get to have one like that.

So I booked in for a hair cut at a very mascaline very sexy all male saloon in Parramatta.  The hair dressers are all so sexy and muscly and blokey.  The hottest guy in the place called me over and he was cutting my hair.  He was good, sexy, like one of the best looking guys I have ever seen, intelligent and nice.  Half way through he told me he is a professional foot ball player, and he does this in the off season.  He did the oh so sexual rubbing his cock against my thigh as he cut my hair, which I love when they do that.  I felt a real conection with him, and as I was leaving he gave me his phone number and said, "you know where I work, call me and we will hang out".  I won't name him or his team, but I wish I could.  I probably only wants to be friends but hey who gets hurt if I let my imagination run away with idea that a first grade foot baller is cool enough to be a hair dresser and is into me! wow That was one fantasy come true.

Elton John

A waiter dropped this off to me, he didn't  know me, how did he know?

Went to Elton John in the hunter valley and look who was dancing next to me in the front row, Pauline!   She was having a great time.  But I thought she would have been anti gay? maybe not.  Funny crowd.  average age 55 average income 35K.  Real hard working white australians.  Vicious Bogans as I like to call them.  But they all love Elton John, how crazy.  Got home at 2 am, a long hard drive home, but the tickets were free thanks to a friend and we were practically front row and centre so the best tickets ever! and he is amazing and appretnly very generous to all charities, so I like him for that.

Longines

 Jamie you said to buy myself a watch to celebrate business success, well on my travels I found one brand I like, Longines.  Its me, more than any other, so maybe one day I will.

Infinity FX

When I was in Lebanon I was driving one of these, they are so hot! we can't get them here in Australia, but if we can I think I would buy one, I wonder if this is why guys kept asking me for money they thought I was loaded, strange but true.  About 100K of car they drive so well and are seen as better than BMW x5's over there.

Need

There is no stronger glue in a relationship than need.  Attraction will come and go, but need will keep you together.  Stepping off the kerb into a new relationship has me looking for what needs can I have met in this, and what can she have met with me.
Security would be one
Companionship would be another
Sharing would be another
And maybe high quality sex that come with a regular partner you have feelings for.

My close friends don't have a problem with me switching teams, but I am coping a lot of flack from one person who I think I may have to dump.  Let alone the voice in my head giving me grief that I have to keep in check, mainly about what other people think, I don't have a problem with being ambidextrous at all.

I moved through the weight of being a grown up, and have passed through the fear of being monogamous. I have reached a place of calm, of just being and enjoying and not destroying what is working.


http://www.howcast.com/videos/398268-How-to-Know-if-Youre-in-a-Healthy-Relationship

watch this, sooooo funny how some people think you cliff notes a relationship, A cheat sheet to happiness, I wonder.....

Spelt it with a K

I had follow up conversation with Lebo plumber and I don't think he is happy for me. He says he is but he said " she is a hard girl to impress I doubt you will be able to impress her or hold her attention.". Ouch! A good friend is basically laughing at me saying you two are a chronic miss match..... Ahhhhhhhh lol lol. Yes I know I am batting way-out of my league but she is putting in as much effort in as me! Kunt! I'll show him.

3 rd Date Still on Track

3 rd date with sexy Chryle Cole last night, went very well 6 hours And great fun no dead patches at all. Got sexy Lebo plumber to meet us in MAnly Because I wanted to him to meet her. After the date I phone him to ask what he thought and he said "ok" no more no less. I was no annoyed she was charming and funny and great company and all he could muster was ok. Neighbor said she think he is jealous. Mmmm is he? Tired or jealous I'm going with jealous makes me feel better.

Confessions to make.....

A big apology in advance to people who believe in ridget sexuality, this blog is going to annoy the shit out of you. Sooo I am having my third date with a super hot girl with the best manners and personality of any person I have ever met male or female. She is close to the hottest female I have ever seen and sexually I'm feeling it... Well in theory anyway... We will see if it gets there. I would like to think that if I was straight and I met a good looking guy with great manners that I had chemistry with I would be open to a little exploration. Sometimes the attraction is so strong it over rides the sex you are usually atractted to. Well let's see if this all blows up in my face. I haven't deserted boys, I had a hot date with a really nice guy who is an Iraqi refugee living here in Australia. He is young and kind with a loving heart and I like him. So two balls in the air ATM. But then there is a third, a girl I met befor I went over seas in mosman. She is English and probably in the top 10 hottest blOndes in Sydney. She melted my heart of stone, I do not know how but she did and I felt something for the first time in 4 years. Both these girls are so far out of my league I get a nose bleed thinking about it. Buy hey if I can hold their attention and they can hold mine why fight it.

Epic Fail

Is what I feel about my holiday, I had such grand expectations of what it was going to be like, and it was nothing like that.
For starters the flight was hell, Dubai was hot and sandy and dusty and full of poor slaves, which really offened my middle class Australian sensibilities of a fair go for all.  The buildings are amazing, the food is great eveything is cheap and high quality, but they use slave labor to build it, so I am taking advantage of these poor guys working in upto 50 degree heat, I hated it.

Lebanon wasn't much better.  Basically I love my leb guys in Australia, but over there they are not flirty, they don't work out so have no muscels, and weren't interested in me at all.  Its so strange in Australia they are the opposite of what they are like over there.  The rich oil arabs are hot! there are so good looking its amazing.  But they don't talk to westerners, so I went my hole hoilday never talking to a hot arab Dubai local.
Abu Dhabi was better than Dubai, its not as manic so a bit easier to handle.  I stayed at the Sheraton Resort and it was amazing! I have never seen food like they had there in my life! truly amazing and cheap!

I worked really hard to find any gay life in Beirut and they were all hookers, after sex they would ask for money! not good for myself esteem to be seen as one big dollar sign, I'm only 31 for christ sake I don't need to pay for it yet surely.
The cars in Lebanon are amazing every one drives a Range Rover.  They are every where, even better cars than Dubai.  But there is poor people every where too.  No middle class just rich people and poor people, pick your side and stick to it, I missed Australias fair go attitude.

Shopping in both countries I found good.  Lebanon is not cheap, for such a poor country, but they had a few things I really liked, so one day I throw $1000 cash into city mall because the clothes were better than here.

OMG - holiday!

It's finally happenIng and I am emotional and can barely believe it, this poverty stricken, land locked, work aholic is going on an over seas holiday, finally at 31 first ever OS holiday and a good one too, to Dubai and Lebannon! My fantasy of fucking sexo lebo's is finally gunna come true. 4 star all the way baby. The strong Aussie dollar means my whole accommodation bill will be $500 for 10 nights! Flying Emeriates, half full plane, so 50% chance of getting business class up grade on my first ever OS flight! Should have been writing this from the plane but my pass port has me grounded due to lack of use till Monday, drama! At ten to four in the passport office, needless to say they won. Dear diary will I get to drink a gallon of sexy Lebo cum in 10 days? Or should i limit myself to a half pint? What STD's will I pick up? Is mouth clamidia worth it, it's only one pill after all to fix it.
Dear diary will I feel respected after such a knee bruising holiday? Probably not. Is a holiday romance on the cards? Will I be torn after meeting the man of my dreams and them meeting his beautiful wife?
Dram drama drama Marcia!
Think I will hire a bentley in Dubai, just to fit in and drive to Abu Darbi

WTF I'm Happy

A strange feeling has been creeping over me yes I'm happy and content and it feels strange. Because I have had a lot of shitty times I am now hyper vigilant for problems, and It makes me feel uneasy to have non. Went range rover and mercedes and new grand jeep test driving on Sunday and the new grand jeep is amazing, better than a merc or rangie. I have hit a good cash period I am banking 10k per week profit, u do the sums equals 40 k a month and 400 k a year..... If it continues. I sat in parramatta westfeild just sitting and thinking for a few hours, I guess just centering myself after Only having 2 days off in 8 weeks. Now that I have money I am trying not to respond to my needs all the time, to be less needs focus, more just happy.

Sexy work site

A little thing came out at work today which I find hilarious. I employ a very sexy tall dark good looking and good man from UAE. He is hot like the plumber but is a real family man and doesn't flirt with me so I have no feelings for him, because he doesn't blur the lines like plumber man. Any way we were shouting to each other, me on the roof, him in the street, and he started to talk about sex stories, now women were walking past and they heard what we were talking about and they started laughing, because his story was that one female client tried to pay him in sex, and he told his wife! How crazy! But then inside he told me he had been a stripper in his 20's in the 90's, like a good one, it was his full-time job. I believe him cause he is HOT! But not sexual to me and I like that he is only caring, not flirty. So my workers now consist of some serious beef cake, I have a black ck modle, sexy Lebo, stripper UAE, and sexy 24 year old confused latin lover apprentice, some times my stars just Aline, it's like i dreamt it and I woke up and it was true.
Next step, good body, range rover, and sex holiday to lebannon.

Thankful

Today I feel thankful, and grateful. I have money in the bank, my health is good, my business is growing. I feel provided for by the universe, a very rare feeling for me, may it continue, please

Straight Boy Orgy

Fun day today.  I won a $53K job.... yay, high profite hopefully.  I talked to sex lebo plumber about how he knew his brother had a dick that was the size of a leg of lamb, and he said," we had group sex with our cousins all the time".  WTF, you used to fuck around with your brother and cousins!  Apperetnly two of them are police men and they would get a hotel room with a few girls and 5 guys and just fuck like crazy for hours.  One time they even wore their police belts with guns and battens and hand cuffs as they fucked!  Hot stuff.  But how could he fuck around with his brother? I don't get it.  I could never do that.  He said his brothers cock is so big he slaped a girl in the face once and gave her a black eye and another girl had to have stiches down below.  Now I know that I come from a cold distant WASPY family,  and I have heard of this stuff before, but really, sex with your brother, well in the same room anyway sounds aweful.  I really don't get this, straight guys showering together, having sex together but not with each other, sounds uncomprehensible to me.  I do not get it.  Now to my next queastion if I was invited to one of these things, sure the women would be a problem to me, but if I was introduced to all the guys as gay, would I be allowed to suck cock, grab balls, and generally help out, or would I have to only play with the girls.  See I am thinking I could give a better blow job than 99 % of women, and take it harder then them, but would the boys be up for it it the numbers were uneven.  Yes? or would homophobia reign even in the heat of the moment.  They must like each others company if they do it next to each other, or am I really missing the plot.  Do they get together for the circus of group sex, not to get hard of each others mascaline energy.  See I can't draw the line where they do, if I was getting excited with my mates in a room with me I would want to fuck them as well, not just fuck a chick and watch them.  I can not get it.

Had a great lay this arvo, 4pm, a job that was a quote turned sexy and I nailed the fuck out of the hot greek guy.  Arhhhhhhhh sky rockets in flight, afternoon delight!  Its been a long time coming.  2 Hours high quality

Stay Sexy Sydney.

Words I like

My favorite word for high use atm is disingenuous, it's such a current unviersity educated differentiation word for this year. I love dropping it into conversations and whatching
Peoples face twitch as they try to work out the meaning. It becomes addictive.
My next favorite is ubiquitous. This is new to my vocabulary. It basically means when westie chicks started wearing D&G sunnies, designer sun glasses where no longer cool.

Malaise, a low to mid level depression that continues and won't lift, sometimes unnoticeable to the person going through it.
Polyamorous, a person with multiple lOvers, a classier way of saying someone is a slut. I taught these words to some builder friends with vocAbs below 2000, so much fun giving them big words to throw round and shock others with their new found big words, I love empowering people who havn't had a chance at education, it's lots of fun for us all.

Some Answers

I finally have some answers about hot lebo plumber and I.  We went on our first man date last night and it was gooooood, very good.  He had a great time so did I.  I am going to let him read this post, and my blog as well so, its pretty brave of me to let him see my real feelings out here in writing.  Basically he keeps telling me he is not gay, never will be, will never cheat on his wife, never will.  Which is all fine and good, but where does that leave me and what I feel.  I don't want to be one of these gay guys who says every one is gay they just don't know it.  Its just we get on really well, so if I feel chemistry why can't he.  It makes me feel very unloveable, that I can have my peak expirence of friendship or closeness or a date or a crush, and he can't have those feelings for me.  If I am attracted to him because of who he is, why can't he feel the same towards me.  If we can hang out for 5 hours going pop di pop pop, crackling away with great conversation and closness why wouldn't you want to go home and fuck afterwards.  Getting dropped off to go home alone after feeling the closest I have to a man ever, is not a nice feeling, I lay awake for 3 hours on Grindr bitching about my broken heart to any random who would talk to me.  Some of his attraction to me was explained, he opened up and told me about the presure he feels as a father, a husband, a son and finacialy.  It sounded bleak.  I got a little sad for him when it all came out like it did.  I guess he views me as a breath of fresh air, no children, no resposiblity, no problems and because he can't have female friends I am a female subsitute, the brain of a girl, but wifey won't get jealous.  He hates straight guys as friends because of their stupidity.  Well I guess I want to stick around, even though I am in pain, because I can't have what I want.  I would never entrap him, because afterwards he would hate me, for messing with his head, and being there as an escape when he was at a low point.
I can't help but wonder if there is more to his attraction to me than the reasons he gave, but there is too much he would loose if he ever played around, so I guess I will never know and need to move on, and just see him as a friend.
But now where does that leave me.  How do I stop straight boys playing havic on my heart when I can't find anything better in the gay pool.  Where is the quality.

I went to Manly today for some much needed me time, and I saw a woman helping two very handicapped people across the street it made me burst into tears, I managed to have a good cry.  I finally got the release I have been needing, and I feel much better now.  When the dance song "Say my name" by Aman Van Helden starts to sound poignat, I think I really truely am feeling EMO. I am Addictted to music to make me feel something as I have become num.

Mate I hope when you read this that you aren't threatened by me, or yourself, you just need to realise that when I have no one in my life who gives a flying fuck about me, and you do, and you are sexy, those feelings are going to roll up into attraction for me.  I will be ok, I guess I will move on, I usally do anyway, I'm just a bit raw ATM and it is nice to feel something pleasant and hard to let to go of it.

Sexual Harrasment Panda

The cute apprentice that I played around with a month ago told his boss that he doesn't know how to get me to stop asking him to go out and do things with me, and that he feels quite harrassed by me. When his boss the sexy Lebo plumber told me today I was sooooo angry. He had asked me to invite him places as he said he was lonely and wanted to hang with me. This sexy shit has crossed a line and tomorrow I will be telling his boss that he sucked me off and show him some of the messages he sent me, don't stab me in the back bitch. Think One of my works might be planning to defraud me, had a tip off from a business about him using my account for his use. I'll sack him tomorrow if he it's true. A bit dramatic really. I shat my pants when I was sick in public earlier this week, was practically raped by an illintentioned twat, possible fraud and I'm going To out an apprentice..... Big week!

Limping Gazelle

I was so sick yesterday, I threw up in a cafe in front of people, left money on the table and ran off.  Gross and totally embaressing, and I had no warning, it just happened.  Went home and cleaned up, but worse of all money issues dictate that need to get through my work so I can get paid, so I kept working all day, hard, really hard, being sick from both ends.  Totally terrible.  I was so sick last night I let a total stranger come over and look after me.  Strange you say, yes, but I am lonely and desperate, and hate that no one ever looks after me when I am ill.  So this good smaritan turned out to have very different intentions, he wanted a hot builder to rape him.  I was so pissed off that he was so annoying, that in the end I gave in and threw the dog a bone, I was totally rough and was deliberatly hurting him, he thought I was hot and really into him, I wasn't I just wanted to hurt him.
I now realise that Grindr has three catagories. Hot guys I can't get with I call my asperationals, the pool I can play in if I choose, and third and finally what I like to call my groupies, guys who worship me.  Well last night was the third, he wouldn't have stood a chance normally, but because I was sick I was like a limping gazelle, and easy catch for some old toothless lion.

Boy Mystery Part 3

So may be the answer is in part to have random unattached sex, one needs to be unattached from the sex that you do that with.  So straight guys are unattached to women thats how they fuck them and leave, and gay guys are unattached to other men, so no hurt feelings in transitary encounters.

that makes me ask the next queastion, did straight guys have a stronger relationship with their father and other men and gay men had a stronger relationship with their mothers and other women, hence which sex they see as more dispossable?

Straight boy mystery: part 2

More revalations come out today in my mind. Hot Lebo plumber said to me " just because we straight guys treat woman as disposable, dont u treat men that way?". In my mind I was like ... Well derrr, of course, but blokes are built that way, women arnt, u don't hurt guys by fucking once only. I find intermacy easy with women, but not men. Straights guys are  the reverse of that, women are disposable but their mates are forever. Hence why they seem more loving than gay guys. And hence why I hear girls say, "all men are fags", because the guys they date really do love their mates more than them. Crazy hey. I think straight guys are the real homo's because they love each other so much, but they wipe their dicks on women.

Small Break Through

It's 4 am on a Monday morning, I can't sleep but I just had a small Oprah moment. It's to do with the straight guys who are having a deep emotional relationship with me, flirting but no actual sex. I couldn't for the life of me work out what they were up to, why no sex if they love me. I know what is going on now. They are having a bromance. They are going deep with me, they feel safe, as safe as their wife or girl friend or may be even safer then with women. But no sex as that would mess with their minds, if they had to deal with being gay. Keep having sex with women at any cost, but go deep with your gay mate and experiment with getting super close with a guy to see what it feels like. Sex comes first in the gay world hence no time to go deep, just...NEXT.... it's no wonder that the 7 year romance I have had with one of them feels so special.... It is. So where to from here. Do I call him on it, walk away, or let things continue as they are....

One Today

One year ago today I started writing this blog.  Its been fun, very theraputic, a little entertaining, and I have made a few new online friends.   I wonder what the next year will bring? 

I started my business this month last year as well, I wonder how well I can go this next year.

One today, A win Tomorrow.

I hope I will be saying I WON today, alot more often than the past year, its been rough, too rough.

The one client who has been paying me on time, ripped me a new arsehole on Saturday, he has made me feel like am worthless.  Combine being told that I am totally shit at what I do for a business, not being paid, being treated like shit by my mother and most hurtfull of all, the closest thing to love I have had in my life is from two straight guys, neither of whom can admit their feelings to me or themselves I'm guessing.

The hot lebo plumber told me that maybe I am having trouble telling the difference between a mate who cares, and sexual interest.  He made me feel even more unsure of myself with that comment.  Was he right? was it all in my head?  Then my neighbour made me feel much better when she told me, "who can ever tell if people have more than plutonic feelings when they give you attention, I can never tell"  She me made me feel much better.

I feel that I am at a cross road with guys.  If the two most loving guys in my life are straight, what does that say about the gay men in my life?  I am getting too old to keep going on with out love.  Will the straight guys get over themselves and show me love in all forms, not just friendship?  I can tell there is chemistry there with them, how can that be there if they feel nothing?
Will I find a gay guy who can love me as well as they do?
Or will I give up and in sheer desperation look for a woman because my heart can't handle the hurt anymore?
Or worse still will I give up on love in any form?

I won today, I will win tomorrow, can that be my new saying....... please god yes.

Mike Dasher

I recogonise Mike from body line, he always snobs me, so no I can't say I have fucked a porn star yet, but at least next time when he snobs me I know at least I am being snobbed by a porn star, not just another Sydney twat with attitude.

Low Self Esteem

My last post was called "The Dream", maybe this one should be called the night mare.   I don't often have low self Esteem, well at least to the out side world.  There were a few highs before I hit this low, shall I disect?  I am tired from not having a weekend off in 6 weeks.  I am exhasted from cunty gay couples who haven't paid me for the work I have done, hence I am having to pursue them for money.  I am stressed about my own money and not having enough work for my workers and they are stressed about money.  All too much to take on in my first year of business.  A few months ago I was excited about being a $500k business in my first year, and looks like I could get to 1.2 mill in my second, very good news if it happens.
I have nothing to show for how hard I have been working, I feel half way between the gutter and the stars, I'm not sure if things are going to get great, or weather I will go under and be living rough with the other homless, I find myself looking at where the homeless are sleeping, and sussing out the best locations...... sad hey. 
Now add to these problems I went out with a very good straight friend who I have stopped pretending that my feelings for him are one sided, he has feelings for me, but he doesn't have the balls to admitt it.  The things he does to deny who he really is is really sad.  The ways he treats women is discusting.  I feel the need to make him wake up to the way he lies and roots girls and treats them badly.  But if he isn't brave enough to own up to who is, then is it any wonder he can't be true to me. 
So add a 5 am night at Arq and booze and a hugh disappointment in said friend who has really disappointed me with his stories, my crush weakens.

Then Sunday I got a phone call from my sexy lebo plumber asking me out on a date.  Well he asked me to go shopping with him, with much conversation about his hugh balls that need my underware and jeans to take care of them.  So here I am thinking next he will be asking for a sleep over all long weekend.  But I was wrong, I bought him some CKs and FCUK, but his wife aparently told him that I was hitting on him.    I feel like an idiot, apparetly he told me his uncle had died and he was going to try and stop working as hard.  May be his phone call had been him reaching out while he was upset.  But he has feeling for me I can tell, and yet now his wife called him on it he has backed off heaps.
I am feeling totally unloveable.  The sad thing is there are guys who love me, but I don't like them, but I am so down I am leading one of them on,  its  a sad thing to do, but that is how low I feel.

The Dream

I just had a funny / strange conversation with the hot lebo plumber that I have a major crush on.  He told me he is lonely and has NO friends, like non.  Any one who is supposed to be his friend uses him.  He makes an effort to be nice to me, and calls me a few days a week to check on me.  He is married and probably off limits sexually but, I still want his attention and affection in what ever form I can get it.  I am still going to try and get with as many of his workers as I can, well the hot ones anyways to sharpen his attention on me.  I was thinking I need to tell him that my intentions are not pure either because, because I want him, not his money like other guys use him, but who he is, its beautiful and warm and loving and sexy.  Not that I think my intentions are bad, just.... well not plutonic.  But then I remebered I had a dream.  When I was annoyed at my best friend last year because he was a user, I would dream about what I wished my best friend was really like and I used to dream for a hot sexy lebo who loved me.  Looks like I have found him.  It might not ever include sex, but most good friends don't fuck each other, so maybe I have found my new best friend, and he is gorgous, I do this a lot, make friends with super hot straight guys and we get really close and hang out, walk the flirtation line, but will we or won't we ever do it?  The tension keeps me hooked and makes the friendship more exciting.







Robbie and Benji a great Love story,

Mistakes I've Made

I came to a realization yesturday that I have had too much sex and not enough love.  Not sure why, not sure how to fix it.  Not sure why I only just realized it.  Not sure if I will keep feeling this way.  Why I have I only cared about sex and not love?  And am I right to think that some of my problems come from not having love in my life?

Bunnings' God

They are not always there, some days there are no hot tradies at all, but today was a Stella day, a super hot masculine tanned either Greek or Lebo construction worker. I got a bit stalkerish on him and followed him up and down the aisles and waited out the front to see whatt car / truck he drove. He had branding on his shirt but no phone number, I have just realize I need shirts with phone numbers on them, who know who might feel the need to dial my digits when they see me. God knows i would have called him today.

The All Black

The Rugby World Cup is on in NZ and probably due to it being on the TV in the pub where I was having a drinking with an ex, her one and only one night stand in her life, who happened to be with this lovely man above came up.  She had just ran away from LA from a nasty ex there and decided to go home with this hunk, who even though she goes for the All Blacks in theory, she had no idea of who he was.  Later she found out and made the mistake of telling one friend who she swore to secrecy.  This friend then had her engagement party on the Gold Coast and my friend walked into a room of Gold Coast Rugby fans, who all gathered round her and told her what a ledgend she had been for sleeping with him!   Even the grandma was hi fiveing her.  She was mortified, that everyone knew.  And now she made the mistake of telling me in the middle of a sex drought with nothing to write about!  His name is Luke Mcalister and she says that he was the best shag of her life, 4 times in one night and it was hot and heavy and great.  So one degree of sex seperation, I used to date a girl who fucked him!  I met up with her because I am bored.  I'm not attracted to girls, just bored with guys, I would date a girl again now, just out of sheer bordem, for something new to do.  I think its due to Grindr, it turns up so many potentials so quickly that the thrill of the new guy disappears, it becomes very same same so quickly, its like having someone elses whole dating life squashed into a month.