Some Answers

I finally have some answers about hot lebo plumber and I.  We went on our first man date last night and it was gooooood, very good.  He had a great time so did I.  I am going to let him read this post, and my blog as well so, its pretty brave of me to let him see my real feelings out here in writing.  Basically he keeps telling me he is not gay, never will be, will never cheat on his wife, never will.  Which is all fine and good, but where does that leave me and what I feel.  I don't want to be one of these gay guys who says every one is gay they just don't know it.  Its just we get on really well, so if I feel chemistry why can't he.  It makes me feel very unloveable, that I can have my peak expirence of friendship or closeness or a date or a crush, and he can't have those feelings for me.  If I am attracted to him because of who he is, why can't he feel the same towards me.  If we can hang out for 5 hours going pop di pop pop, crackling away with great conversation and closness why wouldn't you want to go home and fuck afterwards.  Getting dropped off to go home alone after feeling the closest I have to a man ever, is not a nice feeling, I lay awake for 3 hours on Grindr bitching about my broken heart to any random who would talk to me.  Some of his attraction to me was explained, he opened up and told me about the presure he feels as a father, a husband, a son and finacialy.  It sounded bleak.  I got a little sad for him when it all came out like it did.  I guess he views me as a breath of fresh air, no children, no resposiblity, no problems and because he can't have female friends I am a female subsitute, the brain of a girl, but wifey won't get jealous.  He hates straight guys as friends because of their stupidity.  Well I guess I want to stick around, even though I am in pain, because I can't have what I want.  I would never entrap him, because afterwards he would hate me, for messing with his head, and being there as an escape when he was at a low point.
I can't help but wonder if there is more to his attraction to me than the reasons he gave, but there is too much he would loose if he ever played around, so I guess I will never know and need to move on, and just see him as a friend.
But now where does that leave me.  How do I stop straight boys playing havic on my heart when I can't find anything better in the gay pool.  Where is the quality.

I went to Manly today for some much needed me time, and I saw a woman helping two very handicapped people across the street it made me burst into tears, I managed to have a good cry.  I finally got the release I have been needing, and I feel much better now.  When the dance song "Say my name" by Aman Van Helden starts to sound poignat, I think I really truely am feeling EMO. I am Addictted to music to make me feel something as I have become num.

Mate I hope when you read this that you aren't threatened by me, or yourself, you just need to realise that when I have no one in my life who gives a flying fuck about me, and you do, and you are sexy, those feelings are going to roll up into attraction for me.  I will be ok, I guess I will move on, I usally do anyway, I'm just a bit raw ATM and it is nice to feel something pleasant and hard to let to go of it.