One year ago today I started writing this blog. Its been fun, very theraputic, a little entertaining, and I have made a few new online friends. I wonder what the next year will bring?
I started my business this month last year as well, I wonder how well I can go this next year.
One today, A win Tomorrow.
I hope I will be saying I WON today, alot more often than the past year, its been rough, too rough.
The one client who has been paying me on time, ripped me a new arsehole on Saturday, he has made me feel like am worthless. Combine being told that I am totally shit at what I do for a business, not being paid, being treated like shit by my mother and most hurtfull of all, the closest thing to love I have had in my life is from two straight guys, neither of whom can admit their feelings to me or themselves I'm guessing.
The hot lebo plumber told me that maybe I am having trouble telling the difference between a mate who cares, and sexual interest. He made me feel even more unsure of myself with that comment. Was he right? was it all in my head? Then my neighbour made me feel much better when she told me, "who can ever tell if people have more than plutonic feelings when they give you attention, I can never tell" She me made me feel much better.
I feel that I am at a cross road with guys. If the two most loving guys in my life are straight, what does that say about the gay men in my life? I am getting too old to keep going on with out love. Will the straight guys get over themselves and show me love in all forms, not just friendship? I can tell there is chemistry there with them, how can that be there if they feel nothing?
Will I find a gay guy who can love me as well as they do?
Or will I give up and in sheer desperation look for a woman because my heart can't handle the hurt anymore?
Or worse still will I give up on love in any form?
I won today, I will win tomorrow, can that be my new saying....... please god yes.
Cassius it sounds to me like ur in some sort of a place were u are over worked , under loved and skittles bit lost as to what exacty it is your doing...
ReplyDeleteit's interesting to compare these recent posts to your earlier ones Which described your sexual conquests, your partying, the relationships which you always ended.. The massive bodyline phase..
the grinder phase.. it's a roller coaster!!!
but you are also growing!! Responsibilty and makin money is a bitch but at least u keep all the money that u make..
It's been a year eh! You started writing almost the same time as me last year, and i've always been your fan Cassius!
ReplyDeleteI won't look for a woman, because I just *can't*... but I hear you.
ReplyDeleteHow can you feel something and they nothing? But it happens all the time.
Massive hugs to you.