My last post was called "The Dream", maybe this one should be called the night mare. I don't often have low self Esteem, well at least to the out side world. There were a few highs before I hit this low, shall I disect? I am tired from not having a weekend off in 6 weeks. I am exhasted from cunty gay couples who haven't paid me for the work I have done, hence I am having to pursue them for money. I am stressed about my own money and not having enough work for my workers and they are stressed about money. All too much to take on in my first year of business. A few months ago I was excited about being a $500k business in my first year, and looks like I could get to 1.2 mill in my second, very good news if it happens.
I have nothing to show for how hard I have been working, I feel half way between the gutter and the stars, I'm not sure if things are going to get great, or weather I will go under and be living rough with the other homless, I find myself looking at where the homeless are sleeping, and sussing out the best locations...... sad hey.
Now add to these problems I went out with a very good straight friend who I have stopped pretending that my feelings for him are one sided, he has feelings for me, but he doesn't have the balls to admitt it. The things he does to deny who he really is is really sad. The ways he treats women is discusting. I feel the need to make him wake up to the way he lies and roots girls and treats them badly. But if he isn't brave enough to own up to who is, then is it any wonder he can't be true to me.
So add a 5 am night at Arq and booze and a hugh disappointment in said friend who has really disappointed me with his stories, my crush weakens.
Then Sunday I got a phone call from my sexy lebo plumber asking me out on a date. Well he asked me to go shopping with him, with much conversation about his hugh balls that need my underware and jeans to take care of them. So here I am thinking next he will be asking for a sleep over all long weekend. But I was wrong, I bought him some CKs and FCUK, but his wife aparently told him that I was hitting on him. I feel like an idiot, apparetly he told me his uncle had died and he was going to try and stop working as hard. May be his phone call had been him reaching out while he was upset. But he has feeling for me I can tell, and yet now his wife called him on it he has backed off heaps.
I am feeling totally unloveable. The sad thing is there are guys who love me, but I don't like them, but I am so down I am leading one of them on, its a sad thing to do, but that is how low I feel.
Cassius u are going through exactly wot i go through day in day out. Its absolutely normal to feel like u are going through a fog. The thing about working for yourself is that you don't know where its going to go... its daunting and exciting at the same time.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the downside to working for yourself is that you can't measure yourself, there is no limit to how great you can be so you are always feel like you could have done more and you never feel like you are good enough.
The money situation I would consider a big problem in your case, but I work in retail so I don't exactly know how it is you collect your payments. But we are having some work done upstairs and they always ask for an amount to be paid to them at each stage. I hope you don't leave the payment collecting till after you have finished as that is a big no no!
As for living on the streets I highly doubt it would happen because you have the looks and you can just trade it for food/shelter/money etc etc n no one can take that from you..
As for not having a weekend off in 6 weeks, well I haven't had one off in 6 years. Its either work or thinking about work or preparing for monday. It never stops you just feel burnt out all the time.
At the end of the day, as I have said in my previous post somewhere, that you should always set yourself a benchmark. Like an apartment you really like to buy, and just focus on that. Because the work you do would mean something and you will have more drive to keep going,
Don't think of this as a nightmare, there are always ups and downs and your up is coming real soon!
There are let downs every single day. Last week a customer enquired about wholesaling 160k worth of UGG boots. I would have only made $16k from it but I was over the moon. But this week the deal fell through and he decided it was too much risk of it not being allowed into Chinese Customs. So I didnt get the job in the end. It happens, and only when money is in your account should you count your chickens.
ReplyDeleteBut like I said, when you are stressed you forget the big picture of why you are doing it in the first place. I hope that you do treat yourself to little purchases that make you realise, hey all this hard work and stress has been worth it.
Thanks for your kind comments Jamie.
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