The loose end continues.... Last night I re-hooked up with my first ever Grindr hook up. He is 22 and from the USA, a very hot Jock, Ivy League La Cross player. He has real straight boy attitude on him, and a Calvin Klein under ware model body. When he came knocking on my door that first night of Grindr use, I was shocked that a guy like this would want to play with me, and even more shocked that he stalked me, he was begging to come over at 4 am a week earlier and I had said no cause I was too tired to fuck, why was he so keen to meet up with me? Why? And a week later when I had returned to Sydney he tracked me down and was standing at my front door. For all his physical beauty, he was one of .my most disappointing hook ups ever. That boy had no flow. He had no ability to connect with me. To the point where I asked him "You're straight ain't you! You have a girl friend don't you! You are straight at Sydney Uni, and you're scared shit less doing this aren't you?" He denied all of my claims, saying he is gay through and through. He is confident in person, and dashingly handsome, with this great straight boy jock cockiness to him, but when he lays in my bed, where does it go?
Last night was turning into a repeat of the first night, bullshit. So luckily I flipped him on his front and gave him an hour long massage. He is only into jerk of sessions, and his blow and go attitude suck arse majorly. He likes me? some how he does, but he is so repressed its pain full to watch. He is in the middle of exams so I told him to lay there and relax and I would take care of him, and I did. It was far more fun for me to massage him, than to watch him jerk off sucking on my tit. He is as least 50% hotter than me, but he chases me? strange. He is a dud root, but at least last night was 50% better. He studies banking, I am thinking he may be a little maths brain, not in touch with his feelings, he is really fun sometimes and then others, he shuts down and is a real jerk. Low expectation last night, helped me not be disappointed, he basically walked out my front door with out ever saying bye, what a looser. But this morning I woke up strangely satisfied and happy, WTF? why this guy is a bit of an A hole, and yet I am smitten. Do I see him as a project? opening up his is heart? I'm not that pathetic, I can find better things to do with myself, like go back to work for one thing. It's strange despite disappointing sex, and me putting in all the work, I still like him, and I can even see if I lost weight I would be hotter than him.
I know what my real issue is. Ever since my attempt at a dating / relationship way of life, I know I am back to not wanting to settle down, its just not me. I am not there yet. So random sex it is then? It gets dull if you are getting heaps like I am, so I want more, but other than short term stuff, my brain can't handle long term, so whats the point of even liking some one, if I know it will end in a week? It seem like such a waste of energy, trying to get some one to like me, me to like them, and then I get bored in 7 days and its over, so why bother. I want to put my energy into something but what? What is the point of endulging in fantasies if I know the reality won't work. My fantasy with him is that he relaxes and starts to really like me and lets me fuck him for a start. I do like the macho thing he brings with him, but he is pretty short on tenderness for a gay guy. If I can't even map out a path that would work in my fantasy what chance does reality have? I guess the next move is his, he has to bring something to the party, and he just isn't ATM other than hottness and attitude.
The other thing is I am handing out free massages all over the country side, I usually feel drained and used after I give one with getting one back, but I haven't this week, strange, but I think there will be a point where I snap at the affection defficite I have created, giving to everyone around me with nothing in return. I usually end up in a bad place when that happens, a very unhappy person, feeling used and low.
im going through this phase cassius too. Its kind of like yours but it is kind of different.
ReplyDeleteim listening to bleeding love coz I feel so low. But i can't exactly pin point it. You see, I am seeing this guy. A guy I like, but I know he and I are two different people. He is a country boy, Im a city boy. He is a simple boy and I am wound like a fucking clock.
I want to settle, he doesn't. But the way our fingers meet has he wraps his arm around me after sex. The way he feeds me alittle bit of his food on the couch. Its so nice. But he doesn't want to settle for me. He is still dating others. He tells me about the failed dates. The weirdos, the guys who wouldn't settle for him. Perhaps he knows Im not the one for him. So why was I in his arms this afternoon. I just feel like a second prize. Someone you call up when there are no better options.
I can't say no to him, but I end up feeling like I haven't moved in the game of love. Just floating. waiting. Being somebody's but also nobody's.
I just wish I could have "something".. instead of so many guys wanting me.. but none really needing me.
wow deep, so much info, firstly stop listening to sad sack music it only intensifies feelings, so snap out of it. also i need no one and no one needs me, if you really want to be with someone, you will end up settling for the first person who wants to be in a relationship with you, because people who are in a relationship generally put it before them selves, thats how they get in one and stay in one.
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