Umm Limbo or Hell?

 

 

Some more pics of my guys porn twin, mmmm this just what he looks like as I make love with him. 

But in more sober news, I have zero idea what is going on between us.  We haven't seen each other in a month, but we talk every day??? what the fuck is that.  He isnt making time for me or any effort.  So its deffintaly all me.  My friends say dump him!! dump the fucker, he is a fuck wit!! he makes you feel like shit about yourself get ride of him!!  But on the plus side i have all ready lost 6 kg in 2 weeks, so his infulence on me is good, very good on some level.  I have had my whole life to get my weight and body image issues fixed and I never have, now I am doing something about it, a lot about it.
I talked to an old gay guy about us, he was very positive about us, apart from his drug use and him not making time for me.  But as he said, if I really do think he is the one, you put the work in, you give it 4 or 6 months to see if he can develop a relationship brain.  He is 2 years younger than me, my relationship brain only kicked in the first time at 31, and mid 32, maybe he needs some time to develop those feelings towards me.
I got myself to the point where I think, he does really like me he just likes being single, can't hate him for that, he is just being honest.  It hurts like crazy, but the main problem is that he is very good looking and im over weight, so he can find any one, and I can't my pool is very limited, hot guys who like big guys.

So we limp on, or I should say I limp on, and today I walked into a bar in the afternoon and he was there with all his mates, proberly coked off their heads, and I was alone, no friends would come and join me.  I couldn't go up to him, so I watched for a little bit, and left, he was looking like shit, which kind of made me feel a little better because now I know I will be hotter than him when im slim, but the feelings, oh the feelings, I felt terrible, what could it be?  I think it is so many things wrapped up into one, im on diet pills so I am anxious, and not eating.  to see the guy I want and not to get to touch him and hold him killed me.  My friends not being there for me.  Feeling lonely from working a 70 hour week.  But mainly, the feelings he had for me, where did they go? could he really have faked what we felt? it really scares me to think he could have.  Its so rare to find some one I like, so thats why I can't walk away from it.  How can he walk away from what we had that was so nice?? it kills me to think that that specialness has dissappeared.  One of the best expirences of my life, now doesn't exist?? how is that possible?
There may be some one better out there than him, it could be possible, I have to believe it is, but what we had was so amazing im not wishing for more or better because I dont see how its possible.  Its like I have become invisible to him, it could be the drugs, but how do I walk away from my peak expirence of love in my life?