Sudden Life Change

Some thing has happened out of the blue that has changed everything.  I have decided to leave Sydney in a hurry for at least 6 different big reasons.  I really didnt see this coming and I am shocked and only semi getting my head around what has just happened.

After being sick for another month with a chest infection again, something inside of me broke, I had no fight left, I couldn't go on fighting for my life here.  I added up I have been sick for 16 out of the last 32 months with chest infections, and taking away the stress of being in business and finicial stress are the only 2 things left I can do to stop getting sick.
I don't know why this has happened to me, but I feel I going to get some answers one day.  Business was not good enough to warrant staying here, and I saw no point in getting a job.  I am actually looking forward to the change now, I have a family business that needs urgent attention interstate, so I thought I might as well do it from the farm as opposed to trying to travel interstate every weekend.

I have been fretting about leaving my guy, I actually havent told him yet.  But im sure he means more to me than me to him, so I would be surprised if I got much reaction from him.  I have been working on making myself strong, because he is a source of my strength, and I havent really known how to deal with me needing him, and him only liking me, not needing me.
A numerolist told me I have just clicked over into year 1, so its good im making massive changes to get rid of the energy for the last 9 year cycal, which frankly, has hurt like hell, and I never want another decade like that ever again.

So my plan is, move home,  lose the rest of the fat, get super hot and become massive heart breaker material, sell family farm, inheriate fortune, travel for a while, move back to sydney finacially well off and go back into business properly funded if thats where I feel I want to live after traveling.

I have a plan about my guy as well, I realised that because of my decade of misfortune I am so used to being a loser, that I have no winner identity in me.  He is a total winner, because as he says he has never once had a hardship in his life. Life would need to unsettle his good fortune for him to start to need me, or I am going to have to out perform him in the superfiality stakes.  This is my next challenge create the aura of a winner.  I really hope life is going to stop kicking the shit out of me, and for some reason I think it is going to get better!

I do feel that I am going to get what I want, I really think I deserve it, but I am struggling with the waiting.  I am not doing at all well waiting to feel better about myself, or for him to start needing me.
I am sitting at home now wondering why do I have to carry this pain in me? why must I go through this.  Why is it so hard, for him to need me.  I understand why things are the way they are between us, but why is it me who has to carry the burden.  I dont know what to do about the pain, I hurts, so much and I dont understand why, or the point.

I have deleted grindr to get ready for the country life where there is no point being on it.  With out constant distraction, the pain comes settling in... the unhappiness I have in my life is pressing on my chest.  I have no idea what its about or where it came from, but the stillness is making me squirm with pain.