Monday, May 30, 2011

How To Market Yourself?



It's pissing down rain all today, so I am flopped on my day bed, heater on, lamps on, doona on watching Sex and the City season 5, disc 2, "The Big Journey" has just been on and its the episode where Harry gets Charlotte into the bachelor pad and puts his best moves on her and gets her to have sex with him.  Basically he didn't stand a chance, but pushed and pushed and she gave in.  But she is very glad he did, because she had the best sex of her life, with out him getting to show her how good he is, he would never have been able to win her heart, and that hole story line would never have happened.
The gay body that is in Vogue at the moment is the smooth, tanned, defined six pack look, and I get why, it photograph's very well, the definition really shows up like sculpture on a poster or on the side of an under ware packet.  But the thing is it doesn't always mean that person is going to be good at sex.  Sometimes really good looking guys are great at sex, because they are hot, they have never been rejected in their life and hence they are very confident in going after what they want, and I have slept with some guys who have had sex with 3000 plus guys buy the age of 32.  So shear practice, makes them good at sex with strangers.
I am getting rave reviews in the bedroom at the moment, and one guy at a sauna came up to me and told me "I just want to let you know that I have been here for 5 hours and you are the hottest guy here by a long long way"  Thanks, very kind of him, but I was being rejected left right and centre by other guys, so maybe I was his best looking guy, but statistically I wasn't.
I have to brag one more time before I get to my point.  A few years ago at Hugo's I was Waring a black singlet with a black blazer over the top of it, it was one of those European singlets with a low cut chest and proper shoulder straps, I'm not talking a chest bonds, any way a girl came up to me and said in front of my brother and friend " I just need to tell you that you are the best looking man I have ever seen in my life, I don't care if you are gay or straight, but I'm serious my pussy is misting up from across the room just looking at you and I wanted you to know."  LOL hahaha very funny, and awesome that she said it front of my brother and friend, it ruined both their nights, lol.
My point is you can be totally amazing at sex and no one knows because you don't have the look that turns them on.  Fantasy and sex skill are two different things, how do you market yourself as good at sex if your look isn't as good as your sex skill?

this link below, is something I found to help with this queastion

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/will-that-guy-be-good-in-bed-telltale-signs-from-your-gay-bff-1749709

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Busy Sunday



I didn't have to wait long to relieve my lack of gratification from last night.  Well to be clear I was a big eager bottom for a decent looking38 year old 6 foot 3 Greek guy last night, who said " I specialize in breaking in guys for their first time"  Well I am no first timer, but I don't bottom for guys who don't know what they are doing.  This guy thought he was an expert, he wasn't.  I'm not sure why he thought he was, he didn't really do much for me.

Any way this morning, the hot arab I have been lusting over contacted me, breakfast was back on after he disappeared last night, apparently his phone had died, who knows, who cares.  I met him.  He is no way as hot or cool as his photos,  The power balance shifted very quickly after we met.  I let him continue acting like he was awesome, but gradually, through kindness, I managed to shake that huge ego of his, and after an hour he was friendly and enjoying my company, attitude free.  I even left with the upper hand, him asking if he can hang out with me next weekend on my side of town.  I WIN!  I was so not into him I couldn't even be bothered trying to put my game plan into action.  I tryed a few times, but there was nothing there to work with.  When things like " I only met up with you because you are a builder, and nearly all other gays are hairdresses, so you are rare and I wanted to meet you"  Yes its true I am rare, but knock of the condesending attitude to hairdresses or anyone else you think you are serperior to, he was quite camp actually, so he has real mascalitity issues himself, and feels the need to put others down, not my style, I LOVE hair dresses and other campy guys, they spice up this planet and do great work, so good on them.

Afternoon love in with Mocca Colored Barbados boy, was nice, tryed giving off strong vibes, didn't do it that well, except he tells me he is really into another guy he has started seeing a month before me.  So at least he was honest, but why see me if you like someone else? what do I do for him if he likes someone else?  He wouldn't tell me, but he is cuddley, so I said we can cuddle next time, no sex needed, he liked that idea.

Had the Calvin Klein Model over tonight, I wasn't into it, he is still hot, but still weird, I can't crack his sex code, I'm not letting him come over anymore untill he wants to push his boundries, because this jerk off thing shits me to tears, I can wank by myself I don't need him here to do that.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Get That Man



I am sitting at home on a Saturday night waiting for my phone to ring.... how sad.  When I say ring I mean grindr buzz.  There is a particular good looking Lebo guy, who I have been chatting to for two weeks.  He ticks a lot of boxes, he lives by the beach, tick, so he is Eastern Suburb minded.  He works in construction, as an engineer, tick, so he is University Educated and butch at the same time, like me.  He is fucking hot! smooth skinned big chested, great golden honey coloured tanned skin and he has a really straight attitude on him, and I am thinking an ego and attitude in general, which is ok as long as it's not directed at me.  I have busted my balls trying to chat to him in Grindr for not much in return.  Last week he says he REALLY wants to meet me to talk about construction... Ok well meet me then, stop being so aloof.  He is 26, a hot age, and doesn't live at home, also a very nice change for a lebo guy, and only interested in guys with professional careers, well I guess he is trying to say he is educated and gives a shit about being professional and driven, also nice I think.
Today I say "Want to meet today?"
He has already said we are ONLY meeting for coffee, no sex, I guess he is making it abundantly clear he thinks he is way hotter than me, which he is.  I have no problem with that he is a 10 and I am several points down the food chain.  If I looked like him I would be a snobby cunt as well probably, well maybe a little more gracious, I never feel the need to be rude.  I am actually intimidated by his hotness, and would be uncomfortable around him, unless he gave me unconditional approval, because I would be stressing about when he left, I would never see him again, so friends is fine with me.
Then tonight he says "Ok lets meet tonight, I can't drive."
Ok strange works in construction and doesn't  drive ... mmmm.... "do you need a lift?"
Yes that would be great thanks, lets have a coffee in the city ok?
Ok no probs see you after dinner
So here I am waiting for him to text with an address so I can pick him up and go on a coffee date.
Any one I have shown his photo to, goes "HOLY FUCK, does god even make men that good looking?"
He is a real trophy.  And I am sitting here wondering if there is any way I can win his heart, and I have come up with a game plan.
I am incredibly honest in my dealings with people, because I love honesty, and respect people by giving it at all times.  And when dealing with people who I like, apart from being afraid of rejection, even if I like them more than anyone else, I have always seen flaws that I think "we won't work, we won't go the distance" so I hold back deliberately, and they can sense that.  Nothing makes you hold your heart back more than when the other person is acting indifferent.  So my new game plan, with this hot lebo, is I'm going to try and win his heart regardless of what my feelings are saying.  I am going to act with confidence, as though I think he is special and "the one" but in a cool, confident way that I can do very well.  I actually think it is going to work.  He has so much going for him / us on paper so I am thinking he is worthy of my first ever try at this new approach to courting.  I have arrived at this new place, because I no longer believe in "the one" so constantly holding out for him/her doesn't make sense.  And also in the past I may know that there is something that I don't like about a person, but when they don't fall for me, I am still extremely annoyed that they don't like me as much as I like them, so hence I am going to go after people all guns blazing.  Confidence really is the ultimate aphrodisiac, if I act like "your the one" and I can see us building a future, then he might believe it to.
I am also going to try it on THGIS next time we cross paths, if he will even speak to me.  THGIS may be my ultimate bottom guy and Hot Easty Lebo might be my ultimate top man, sorted already.



Well I am just back from a Grindr hook up of the causal kind, Lebo never texted, which I think means I was only ever a lift to the city, and he found someone else to take him which didn't involve acting interested.  That's alright, Mother is in town for a visit, breakfast at 11 am with her, then 12:30 shag fest with my hot mocca coloured bottom boy from Barbados, I think its really cute how he books me in a week in advance, like a hooker, I like it now that I am used to it.  He is so good looking I want to get serious with him, even though there is Hot Lebo and THGIS floating around, they are distracting me from focusing in the good guys I have in my life already, but they are also helping as they make me seem less keen, hence less desperate! lol.  I might try my laser focus in Barbados Boy tomorrow and see if it has an effect.  See if he responds to me acting like he is the one.

Below is a song that taps into what I feel in my heart, it is indulgent and emo, but indulge me.

Studio Sexty - Four



A strange little thing has happened.  I have four hot bottom guys on the go at once.  I have them on high rotation through the week, and according to them, I am a fucking good top.  I do believe them, because I do things to them that nearly no one knows how to do, I have had one or two good tops in my life and nearly everyone else is shit.  That is why I think I probably am good, because I do things that other guys just don't bother to do, ground work and preparation, it's all in the prep work, to enjoy being fucked you need to be relaxed, and it takes work to relax down through the layers of tension that we all carry around, and the next thing is its about sexual tension and expectation, and wanting a cock up your arse, which usually needs a fantasy and sexual buzz to be built for it to be great sex.
Once when I was in my gym change room  I over head this huge tough bouncer guy say out loud, " I have all these fucking bitches who bang me, but their fucking periods have all synced up, they are all on the their rage at the same time and I have no one to bang tonight."  Charming mate, but it makes me wonder if all my guys will suddenly turn off me at the same time.
The thing with grindr is you are in Vogue one day and out of fashion the next hour, and it comes and goes like crazy.  Gay guys are the most fickle bunch of guys ever, always used to getting what they want with out waiting, add grindr which speeds every thing up to warp speed, and you can have 4 different dates in one day, so the level of emotional investment you need to put into anything is almost nothing.  There is always something new around the corner if you are unsatisfied.  Sauna's are really good at establishing what your hotness appeal is on the open market, because you get to cruise other guys and see which ones like you and which ones think they are better than you.  Of course this can go up and down day to day, like the other day when I was playing with the guy who I think is the hottest guy in Sydney, who had snobbed me for two years previous and will probably go back to snobbing me for another two years.  You can have a popularity drought and then lucky streaks where every one likes you.
I used to call the gay life style the MacDonald's life style, because it was cheap and easy and quick, but not good for you.  Trying to slow down for a "slow home cooked roast meal" is what I called being sensible and trying to date one person.  I don't care any more, I'm having fun, I like my sex life, its like eating out every night of the week at a different place, its more fun than eating the same stuff every night.

I guess the equation I have worked out is:  Variety and the excitement of the new and unknown will always be what guys want as long as they can get it.  Once I can no longer get new good looking guys, then the thrill of cruising will dwindle.  And I guess that is when the good things that come from one person will start to look a lot more attractive.  I don't think one person could ever compete with the fun of the gay world, or could they?

I was thinking the other day about this guy who I think is super hot, the hottest guy in Sydney (THGIS) from now on, would he be enough for me? he could be.  Depends what his personality is like, I saw him yesterday walking down Crown St, so I followed him into the sushi shop he went into, he had disappeared! did he know I was following him, or did I imagine him!  I like him because he looks and acts like a top but is a total greedy bottom, his sexiness is off the rickter scale for me.  But I wonder if I was to see him regularly, would I need a top in my life?  Someone with aggressive throw down, who totally wants to dominate me.  I think I would still want that sometimes, I like being "the dude" but I also like guys who are really into me and desperate to fuck me, its nice to be wanted that way.

I realise that I am a total hotness chaser.  That is all I really care about, how good some one looks and how good they are in bed, and by that I mean how well they connect with you, the chemistry and how good they are at being totally in the moment, not distracted at all.  I spend all my time chasing guys who I think are good looking, why?  It doesn't seem to be that sensible thing to do, but I have always been like this, only caring about looks, and I am seeming to care less what other people think, it makes me happy, its what I care about, so why try and change what makes me happy.  But I can kind of see the ridiculousness of giving all this attention to people who look a certain way.
Last night at the sauna, I pursued one guy who I thought was hot and we had great sex, I then let 4 other guys who liked me, give me massages and play around in the spa, so I guess I am an equal opportunities fucker, sometime I chase, other times I give others their fantasy.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Reflections on Significance


Trying to figure out what possible good can come from sickness, namely 8 weeks of asthma in an otherwise perfectly healthy 31 year old male, has been one of the things I have been thinking about while I have been laying low.  I tried thinking is there something the universe if trying to teach me?  I don’t have a positive answer to that other than it has given me time today to contemplate significance.  Ever since neighbor said that is what motivates men, I have been thinking about how many of my actions are motivated by the need to feel significant.  Lots, if not nearly all.  I am a big old significance chaser.  Doesn’t sound that good to say it.  But in my search for other meanings for existence, I haven’t really come up with a replacement.  Significance was the drug of choice in my family.  In a family where you weren’t allowed to have sex before marriage, get drunk, do drugs or be lazy or ostentatious, being good at something, and being known for being good at something was the only allowable form of self expression or elitism.   If you were a doctor you were supposed to be the best in your field.  If you were a builder you were supposed to be insanely successful and rich because of it.  If you were a farmer, you were supposed to make huge amounts of money and own huge tracks of land and produce the best wool and beef in NSW.  I got this idea and attitude from both parents and one set of grandparents, and I even think that this need for significance is what former bestie and me’s friendship was about, this need to be good at something, and be known for being good at stuff.
I tried monitoring myself today and every time I had a thought or motivation I checked to see if it was a desire to be significant.  Most of them were.   Sex is a funny one, because sex with hot guys is fun in itself, but if I have a need for other people to know about it then, that’s a need for significance.   “Look at me, look who I can attract as a sex partner.”  A nice house, with a good harbor view, well I would like to have that view because it’s nice to look at, and a nice home so I can give my friends a place to stay and have cool parties in.  A part of it is significance, but only part, the others are just fun.  Same with a nice car, they are fun to drive; only a small part of it for me is what I think of myself or what others think of me because of it.
But when it comes to a hot body, being good looking and a career, they are nearly all significance driven for me.  What I do for work, is a huge one for me, I need to feel as though I am important.  Having a body that is hotter than just about anybody else’s, is also important to me.  I am so far from both of these, it isn’t funny.
This need for significance sounds silly, but I am beginning to think it is part of being human; I think it is part of the life force.  Without it would be just live in mud huts and scavenge for food in animal skin clothes?  Is significance what pushes us to improve as humans? 

Monday, May 23, 2011

Frontier Journalism

I had a very nice love-in on Friday night with an amazing looking guy from Barbados.  That is where Rihanna is from and my parents had a great house there back in the 90’s we lived next door to Pavarotti on one side and Tim Rice was on the other, and it was on a nude beach….. Pavarotti on a nude beach…. Oh the damage that was done, let alone your parents on a nude beach… fucking nude liberal hippy parents…..  Anyway back to Friday night, he was pretty, six pack, great teeth, and tanned skin, muscle butt, muscle legs and he turned out to be the trifecta, good looking, nice guy and into me.  The third one is the one I have been missing lately, I’ve been getting with hot guys, I even think they are nice people, but they aren’t really into me, they are once, but that’s it.  Which is strange because I know my sex skill is getting higher and higher, I haven’t been with anyone who has been able to out sex me in a while, my skill at giving pleasure is really getting that good.
I don’t really blame them, I am going after guys who I never thought would be interested in me, and for some reason they are, and I am good at sex, so they aren’t exactly missing out, but the equation isn’t really making sense, if I am better at sex than I look, wouldn’t you be more into me after the deed, not before?  We had made an arrangement to meet a week in advance, which is always a bad sign, because anything planned doesn’t seem romantic to me, and we both kept the date which was nice of both of us and it was magic.  One thing he did which I haven’t had before, is I think he had sorbalened his arse crack, because when I was rubbing my dick against his balls and crack, it was silky smooth and felt amazing, and led to my first uncontrolled cum explosion in perhaps 5 years.  I am that controlled with my body that I never cum, when I don’t want or mean to, but he had me blowing about an hour too soon.

I was so taken at how into me this amazing looking guy was I was about to run home and post about it right then, but the thought of seeing my sex life up in writing 20 minutes after it actually happened, scared me for some reason, so I with held, because what’s next, typing away on my iPhone as it happens, blow by blow, “And now I pull back the sheets and enter him”.
Saturday, fucking night, I decided to meet up with a stranger of Grindr, who according to his picture was very good looking like Mark Ronson, but in real life he turned out to be a fat old queen, neither young, masculine or in shape.  But that’s ok we went drinking any way and we did pretty well as friends seeing as we had just met.  His delusions as to what he looks like continued as he said to me in the Midnight Shift “oh fuck are they only letting in ugly people tonight?” I felt like saying, “yeah you’re here” but obviously I don’t need to be the one who bursts his bubble, I can wait for life to do that.

I hadn’t been to the shift in about 5 years, but it was fun from a sociological point of view, I hate the place actually, but a change is as good as a holiday, and when I was on the dance floor, sexy ER doctor found me in the crowd, he was drunk and gave me a hand job on the dance floor,  I tried to stop him a few times as we were standing next to the security guard and I didn’t need to be thrown out with my dick hanging out of my fly and cum all over my jeans, but the good Dr had the doctors touch and I was weak to resist.  I wonder if the big Arab guard saw us, but was enjoying the show?

I was dreaming a lot about M last night, the hottest guy in Sydney according to me.  Trying to imagine what it is I like about him so much, can’t put my finger on it, but a friend told me it’s someone’s smell.  The more you like someone, its due to you being a good genetic match, and your brain takes over.  I thought it was just lust, but she could be right, because other people look good, but I don’t like them as much, so maybe it is pheromones controlling me, there is a new dating agency that matches people based on a good genetic match, all science no social questions or photographs, just DNA profiling and apparently it is running at 85% success rate for long term couples.
   
Tonight as I was standing on the corner of Oxford St and Liverpool St and Hyde Park possibly the gayest intersection in the Universe, listening to the Girls Aloud Mega Mix on my iPhone and huge Sony headphones, cruising and being cruised by guys I had a gay epiphany, Hot guy called M might be a dancer, I think he is one of those hot guys in the Kylie Minogue film clip for Slow, where they are all lying on towels by the pool playing with themselves and in Speedos.  He is one of Kylies back up dancers.  Does that make him the gay holy grail of trophy boyfriends?  My BF is one Kylies back up dancers.  Does have a good ring to it. 

Friday, May 20, 2011

Fried Green Tomatoes At the Whistle Stop Cafe



Jamie you asked me what films have shaped me this is one.  Lots of things dealt with, racial predudice, women's rights, death of people you love, friendship and supporting the people around you, social out casts, a little fact not well known is the book is actually about two women who live together as lovers in the 1930's but when they made the film in 1992, they changed it to they were "Friends".  The cast weren't happy about this at all, and tried to make the director change it back to the original writing, but he said it wouldn't do as well at the box office if it wasn't main stream in it's story line, he may have been right, 1992 would have been early to have a gay themed box office hit, but the truth of their lives were watered down to be more exceptable, which was a sad fact.

White Women Finding Themselves



I'm watching Eat Pray Love for the second time, and I realized there is a whole market of these films about white women who go on a journey to find happiness / themselves.  Under the Tuscan Sun is another one of my favorites.  I think even a few years ago these films / this market wouldn't have existed.  Has it got to do with money? As the middle class grows more and more people are disatisfied with their life.  Once you have finacial security under your belt and one no longer lives to survive, other needs come bubbling up to the surface and these are harder to meet.  Why as a gay man am I attracted to these films?  Is it because I, like middle class women feel that they no longer find the normal goals of life working for them?  I am also having to invest huge amounts of time trying to reinvent a new life for myself that works for me.  I am actually a little bit resentful that I'm the one who has to do all the work, and change, why can't other people be ones who have to change and me be the one who is happy with life the way it is for once.  I just hope all this work I am doing  pays of big time in the future, I would really like the I work put into myself to pay off, because to date, I would say, I've seen nothing for how well adjusted I think I am, and all my looser family who never change, and never work on themselves, float on by unaffected.

The Right Question



To get the answer that I am after, I need the right question, and I have it!  I finally know the question that I haven't been asking.

Problem

I don't like relationships I find them restrictive and boring.

I don't like the sauna life style as I find it leaves me empty and directionless.

So the correct question is:

Is there a third option, half way in between  a relationship and sauna lifestyle?

I don't know why I hadn't formulated this before, but I have now so is there?

How do I keep the freedom, with out the emptiness?

No answers yet, but everyone would have there own version of what they want.
Is the answer for me that I haven't found the person that I want to build a life with, so until I do relationships will scare me, because it isn't the right relationship.

Neighbor said that Men want significance, Women want security.  The two S's, but two totally different needs from life.

Do I want significance?  Yes I think I do, well I use to, I am security focused now as well.

Do I want a relationship to feel and look significant?  Is that my motivator, yes could be.

Is significance just another word for power and glamor, am I just a glamor chaser still.  Probably.
But if they are my hot buttons, is there any point in down playing what my true motivators are.  I think best to work with who I am, than change who I am.

Gay Cleo Bachalor of the Year




I was first going to do this piece on how they make all the guys pretend to be straight to go in this comp, one year one of my friends had slept with at  least six of the guys, and knew at least another six from out in the gay clubs, and they are just the ones we know are gay, let alone the stealth ones.  And here they all are saying nothing about being eligible gay bachelors.  I think this is really sad, and one of the few areas of discrimination still happening.  And then I found this comment from the organizer when confronted by a journalist from the Daily Telegraph who came up to her and said "I just had one of the guys on my table tell me he is gay, why are you putting gay men in this ?"  The organizers response was " We do not call this the straight eligible bachelor, so of course gay me are eligible bachelors as well."  Need less to say the guy was not open about his preference in any of the interviews or promotion for this magazine.  How as a gay man could you go in this and deny who you are?  It is promoting a fake you.  Vote me for, but wait let me change myself to a version I think you might like better, now vote for me because you think I am straight! WTF, how spineless, if you are nominated then, you are already good looking and popular with a big bunch of people, fucking suck it up and do a little bit of gay rights promotion you bunch of self serving, self promoting ungrateful gravy train riding pretty boys.

I was doing a little bit of google research as what would make the ultimate gay bachelor, and nothing come up, like nothing at all.  So I took out ultimate and put in "What makes a good gay man"  and what I got was a bunch of spoof videos on YouTube some where funny, but really, comedy videos, hasn't anyone ever put any thought into this.  I can't be bothered to do it now, my version, but I shall with some time to do it properly, gay men should be asking what it is that they hold as virtues.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Sad Sack Song For Jamie

Hey Kid, here is my favorite sad sack song ATM, at least its a new one to get down and moopy to.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Ah Ha? The Calvin Klein Model and the Dilema



The loose end continues.... Last night I re-hooked up with my first ever Grindr hook up.  He is 22 and from the USA, a very hot Jock, Ivy League La Cross player.  He has real straight boy attitude on him, and a Calvin Klein under ware model body.  When he came knocking on my door that first night of Grindr use, I was shocked that a guy like this would want to play with me, and even more shocked that he stalked me, he was begging to come over at 4 am a week earlier and I had said no cause  I was too tired to fuck, why was he so keen to meet up with me? Why? And a week later when I had returned to Sydney he tracked me down and was standing at my front door.  For all his physical beauty, he was one of .my most disappointing hook ups ever.  That boy had no flow.  He had no ability to connect with me.  To the point where I asked him "You're straight ain't you! You have a girl friend don't you! You are straight at Sydney Uni, and you're scared shit less doing this aren't you?"  He denied all of my claims, saying he is gay through and through.  He is confident in person, and dashingly handsome, with this great straight boy jock cockiness to him, but when he lays in my bed, where does it go?
Last night was turning into a repeat of the first night, bullshit.  So luckily I flipped him on his front and gave him an hour long massage.  He is only into jerk of sessions, and his blow and go attitude suck arse majorly.  He likes me? some how he does, but he is so repressed its pain full to watch.  He is in the middle of exams so I told him to lay there and relax and I would take care of him, and I did.  It was far more fun for me to massage him, than to watch him jerk off sucking on my tit.  He is as least 50% hotter than me, but he chases me? strange.  He is a dud root, but at least last night was 50% better.  He studies banking, I am thinking he may be a little maths brain, not in touch with his feelings, he is really fun sometimes and then others, he shuts down and is a real jerk.  Low expectation last night, helped me not be disappointed, he basically walked out my front door with out ever saying bye, what a looser.  But this morning I woke up strangely satisfied and happy, WTF? why this guy is a bit of an A hole, and yet I am smitten.  Do I see him as a project? opening up his is heart?  I'm not that pathetic, I can find better things to do with myself, like go back to work for one thing.  It's strange despite disappointing sex, and me putting in all the work, I still like him, and I can even see if I lost weight I would be hotter than him.

I know what my real issue is.  Ever since my attempt at a dating / relationship way of life, I know I am back to not wanting to settle down, its just not me.  I am not there yet.  So random sex it is then? It gets dull if you are getting heaps like I am, so I want more, but other than short term stuff, my brain can't handle long term, so whats the point of even liking some one, if I know it will end in a week? It seem like such a waste of energy, trying to get some one to like me, me to like them, and then I get bored in 7 days and its over, so why bother.  I want to put my energy into something but what?  What is the point of endulging in fantasies if I know the reality won't work.  My fantasy with him is that he relaxes and starts to really like me and lets me fuck him for a start.  I do like the macho thing he brings with him, but he is pretty short on tenderness for a gay guy.  If I can't even map out a path that would work in my fantasy what chance does reality have?  I guess the next move is his, he has to bring something to the party, and he just isn't ATM other than hottness and attitude.
The other thing is I am handing out free massages all over the country side, I usually feel drained and used after I give one with getting one back, but I haven't this week, strange, but I think there will be a point where I snap at the affection defficite I have created, giving to everyone around me with nothing in return.  I usually end up in a bad place when that happens, a very unhappy person, feeling used and low.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Silly Bridget, Silly Me



I am feeling better and at a loose end so I decided to go to body line tonight as a boredom beater and I have to say as you are about to find out body line has been very good to me lately. I am so shocked I am banging this out on my iPhone to get it out of me. I was in the spa fingering a hot little leb guy when Japanese Brian Kinney walked in and sat next to us in the spa. I smiled but no Response from him. I kept going as best as I could. Here is the guy I like sitting next to me, I'm busted I think. So is he really. Akward. But not as akward as it's about to get. I really wanted to jump ship to the guy I have feelings for, but I can't do that. He pares off with the other white guy in the spa that looks just like me..... ouch, that could have been me....and I have to watch them play. I leave the spa and later I walk past him at his locker and say hi. He looks at me funny then says, .... Wait for it.... Can u guess what he says? I couldn't " oh hi, how are you, this is my boyfriend" pointing to the muscle Asian guy standing in the corner. I walk off, unable to speak. He lied to me more than any one I know. Things such as " oh no I haven't dates any one since I've been in Australia" come flooding back into my mind. I thought this guy was as innocent as the driven snow, when in fact he was possibly the most trechous liar I have meet. Well at least that's the withholding Explained. Mystery solved. And I only wasted a day of feelings. And now the path is clear for M the hottest guy in Sydney, but now my radar is Up, I bet he's partnered too.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Good Fucking Week


What a fucking a week, literally, it was a fucking week.  It started on Wednesday with a 40 year old hot wog in his hot wog house in his big hot wog bed, with his big wog dick and ego.  2 and half hours latter I was a very happy chappie.  I had pounded his arse for nearly an hour.  Thanks Grindr.
Later that day I had a lunch date with a Virgin Cabin Crew member, a very very cute American with a little bit of Mexican in him, so he had a lovely dark look to him, a bit like Dean Cain.  It was a very pleasant experience, thanks to Grindr.
Later that night, I got a house call by a very good looking dark I’m not sure what back ground he was, because unfortunately even though we had our shirts of and where going at it, he said “I’m not feeling it” and walked out.  I was not feeling very good after that experience, so I decided to go to body line late that night and I am glad I did, because I ran into a good doctor friend of mine who has a very high sex drive.  He is an ER doctor and we play patience and doctor, and pretend that he can fuck me back to life.  So after having my arse pounded for 40 minutes and I had broken him in for his first ever back door fun, we had been having fun for about 2 and hours, we went home at 3 am very happy guys.
On Saturday afternoon I meet up with a very cute Cook Islander guy, 26 and sexy, looked like Craig Wing the foot baller.  We had great sex I pounded him, once again, thank you Grindr.


Sunday afternoon I went to another guys house who lives near me, thanks again Grindr, he is half Japanese half white American.  He grew up in Japan and is the spitting image of Brian Kinney off Queer As Folk.  I don’t normally go after Asian guys, but I had met him once before at a social gathering and really liked him, but he hadn’t really liked me, so when he said come over this time, I jumped at the chance of getting to know him.  He didn’t remember me, but seemed to like me and within 20 minutes of meeting me and chatting, he had curled up in my arms watching TV.  He fell asleep in 5 minutes so I massaged him as he snuggled into my chest as though I was his protector.  He is a nurse and looks after dyeing people, and his nature is just beautiful.  He melted my heart.  He was so special to me I massaged him for 2 hours.  He took me out to dinner, but then didn’t ask me back to his house, so I am left wondering if the attraction is one sided.  But he slept in my arms naked for 2 hours? Am I really that calming? Doesn’t that mean anything to him?



Today I met up with another gay builder, which was fun as I don’t know any, we had coffee and it was really witty conversation popping between us.  Later that afternoon a guy on Grindr wanted to give me a head job, but I said no, let’s have a beer instead.  He was an Asian baker, and really sexy and muscley, then when the BJ was no longer on offer I was quite disappointed.  But hey Virgin Cabin Crew messaged me he was back in town, did I want to meet, sure I said, but for some reason I changed my mind, I like him, but the Japanese guy from last night has my heart ATM, so I thought it was best not to fake it with him.  I really wanted a spa and random fuck, so I made a bee line for Body Line.  That was a very good idea, because there is a guy who I see around Sydney who is in my hotness book, the HOTTEST guy in Sydney.  He probably isn’t every bodies, but to me he is without flaw.  I used to fool around with him 2 years ago, but he has been a real snob to me for 2 years now.  Well he must have been horny tonight because it was on like donkey kong.  I gave him a really good massage, He loved it.  This guy has a huge sex drive, sometimes I see him suck off 20 guys in the sauna and who knows how many he takes up the arse a day.  But he looks amazing.  I decided instead of just being another faceless penis in the dark I would give him a really intense massage and he loved it, moaning like the hot whore he is.  My strategy is that he will remember me as the guy who likes him enough not to fuck him, even though my cock was hovering above his hole as I massaged his back for 45 minutes.  Maybe he will realize I think he is really special, not just a good looking one time ride like everyone else.  The power balance is way off because I worship him, he barely tolerates me, but this guy has the best cock, best balls, best body, best arse in Sydney, I’m prepared to fight for that.  His face is good to, but not as good as the rest of him.

Today I even got his name, it starts with M, and I asked my friend who works at Body Line, if he knows him, and he thinks he is a dancer.  What kind of dancer? He is too muscley for a ballet dancer, film clips?  Later a nice Moroccan boy fucked me, very well I might add, and then when I offered him my phone number he said “I’m straight, well bi, so no thanks, see you here Friday.” He fucks well for a straight boy.
I locked myself in one of cubical for a few hours lying on the vinyl mats listening to the great house music ,thinking.  I really like M.  I really like Japanese Brian Kinney.  Why does my asthma play up so much.  What am I going to do with myself.  Will my attraction to M where off if he starts to like me back.  Why is Brian Kinney acting weird, he likes me but then with draws, how come?  I don’t have answers to any of these questions.  On my way home I was Grindr texting to Brian Kinney and another Hot uni boy who looks like Mark Ronson, I think when in doubt keep fucking.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Project Management Life



When I was doing my Masters in Project Management one thing I learnt was that anything in life can be broken down into a project.  Be it how to stop picking loser guys to go out with to what ever you want.  I am going to do a little Project management here, as I am manageing my health at the moment.

1 look for anything might fuck me up.
Getting sick is the single biggest problem for me to train properly, I have had 6 weeks off from the gym because if asthma.
2 My cause of Asthma is cheast infections, that leave me with asthma once they have gone.
So I am taking a capsual with 9 different good types of bacteria that help resort your gut after taking antibioticis, as I have had 20 courses in 6 months I need to rebuild my gut, as 90% if one immune system is in the gut.
3 Follow asthma plan from specialisty; I'm doing that.
4 Work so I have money coming in and I don't stress about money and can go to the the gym.
5.  Eating to feel better is my next biggest down fall in the calorie challange.
So I need to stay happy. Mmm this is a challenge, as so many things can get me feeling down and in need of a pick me up.
Use exersise once well enough as my pick me up.
Loneliness is a trap for me, so how to avoid loneliness?  Date? Friends? write? sex? food xxxx no to that one.
Having a romance on the boil is probably my best bet.  But I need to keep it under control so I keep going to the gym.
Food traps, I need a plan so I don't relie on feels to tell me what to eat.
I need to feel spiritually connected, when ever I start training hard I get boared and board and feel unconnected to the universe.  Stay centered, then train.  Boradom beats.... I need to use my brain, how to use my brain when training?  Mental puzzels to do while running.









KPI Living



Key Performance Indicators is a termed used in sales and other business to measure your performance.  It’s a bit a scary how seriously people take them.  I have seen a business I worked for think that every part of my job was measurable, track-able and achievable, they fact that they thought that they could measure something lead them to believe that it should be achievable.  Scary stuff.  I have recruiters use KPI’s to gauge how well people are going in their career, stating that if they weren’t plotted against their KPI’s they there were ineffective in their job as they hadn’t reached a promotion in under 2 years.
Girls seem to be especially vulnerable to this kind of thinking, they get the good marks, to get to uni, compete like crazy at uni to make the honors program, followed by master and maybe even a PHD, they get the job, and the boy friend, and the committed relationship and the house and the car and the kids by the right age, and a partner who earns enough so she can give up working and stay at home with the kids, and then the good schools so they can do well and get into a good uni, to do well, and the cycle continues.
And heaven forbid if you get off track, I have seen meltdowns by girls who haven’t met someone by 25 because that means they can’t be married by 27 and kids won’t be happening by 29.  I lived with a friend who hit a major depression for a year because she was off track.  And then a year later she said yes to a guy who asked her to marry him after 6 weeks!  Needless to say her intense nature made her hard to live with and we are no longer friends.
Single guy wrote a funny version of what I think the gay KPI’s are.  It went along these lines, you go to uni to get a good corporate job so you can work in a gay city like Sydney and the live the dream gay life, you then move the a gay area like Potts Point, and get your own place and join a gay gym like Fitness First.  Then use the gym to find fucks and dates and fuck like crazy at your own apartment, using the gym to form a gay friendship group that support you while you have non attached sex for at least 5 years until you are all fucked out and then you try to find a guy who you can stand and try and settle down with him.  You then move to the North Shore, which is less gay but still trendy and nice, and reduce the temptation of cheating that comes from living in the gay ghetto, but live in a prissy suburban gay suburb a bit like the step ford wives or the street from Desperate House Wives.  It’s a bit scary when you can plot yourself against a gay stereo type, and here I was thinking I was unique.



Holiday in Review




 I wasn't going to write about my holiday and then I found these photos...... so anyway now I'm motivated, it was nice in the sun, 4 days on a sunchair by the pool, but I was the only single at the resort and the rest were committed couples, none of them even had a wandering eye, boooo, I couldn't really care though as I was happy to chille out sex free for a while, I was also the youngest by about 15 years.  And a few of the couples drank like fish, they would put back 20 burbons and coke night after night, with no music, nothing to do, just drink and drink, is that a relationship coping mechanism? Unhappy people? big drinkers? I don't know but over half the couples drank like that, I have never seen people who drink for the sake of drinking befor and getting drunk was a daily ritual.


Great Expectations



My neighbor has told me that the building that we live in, is built on the land that was owned by a wealthy lady who was jilted at the altar by her fiancée, and she never recovered.  Her mansion was set for the wedding feast, and she never let the servants clear the food or the setting and she never ever got out of her wedding dress, wearing it for the rest of her life.  Charles Dickens based his character of Miss Havisham on this Lady.  Charles Dickens had traveled to Australia under a false name to prevent people knowing he was in the country, and apparently had a lover who lived on Alice St Newtown.

 Great Expectations is something that I have always had.  I didn’t think that my expectations or dreams were over the top, I just thought I was brave enough to actually go after what I really wanted and everybody else was too scared to chase what they wanted and played safe.  Trying to get my expectations back in the box has been hard for me, as I find it near impossible to down size my dreams.  At my neighbors law firm they hire people with real talent, none of this old boy, if you’re from money or know someone you can get a good job, Sydney really is becoming more and more of a meritocracy, where people from bad schools and families as long as they are smart and work hard, end up with the big jobs and careers because they are the best at it, and most productive to a company.  We are at least 10 years ahead of London in this regards as the old remnants of the class system still filter through their corporate system.  Some Kids from rich families and good schools have a thing called “a screaming sense of entitlement” where they have been lead to believe that the world owes them a good life, because they deserve it.  I suffer from this a little.  It’s not that I think I deserve something for nothing, its just that I do think I am smart and wonderful, and why shouldn’t the world reward me for those gifts?  The world rewards the strangest of candidates, and I haven’t been one of them yet.  Will I ever be?  Has my time not arrived yet? Or will I be like that loser single mum in “Mystery Skins” where she is into her 40’s and a single mum with a taste for loser boyfriends, saying to her son “When will my boat come in?” and yet not changing any behavior to change her circumstances.

Love and Other Drugs



I just saw this and I loved it.  It's the best rom-com I have seen in ages If you haven't seen it, Ann Hathaway's character has Parkinson's diesase at age 26 and won't let anyone get close to her because she can't stand to have them hurt her because she is going to get sicker with age.  And Jake Gyllenhaal's character is a smart guy who can't take anything seriously so he trades on his good looks to get laid and do well at his sales job.  They start of just fucking but Ann's character pushes Jake away when she thinks its getting a little to real.

The final scene in the movie is beautiful and I love the lines.  Jake is speaking trying to win her back.  I know it's only a movie, but the writing is the best I have heard in ages, and their reason for being a couple is the most believable I have ever seen I think.

I am full of shit, no I am knowingly full of shit
Because arh, I have, I have never cared about anybody or anything in my entire life, and the thing is that everybody kind of just accepted that, like “that’s just Jamie”
And then you, you didn’t see me that way.
I have never know anyone who actually believed that I was enough until I meet you.  And then you made me believe it too, so unfortuanatly I need you and you need me.

No I don’t
Yes you do
No I don’t
Yes you do, you need someone to take care of you.
No I don’t
Everybody does.
I am going to need you more than you need me
That’s ok
No it’s not, It isn’t fair, I had places to go
You will still go, I might just have to carry you
I can’t ask you to do that
You didn’t
Let just pretend that in another universe that we were both perfect, you weren’t sick and I wasn’t shallow and our only problems were trival, I don’t want to be those people, I want us, I want our real problems.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Home From Holiday




 I'm home from my holiday and just watched this movie "Somewhere", its soooo shit, I can't understand why people keep giving Sofia Coppola money to makes films, every one she does is a piece of crap.  To think of all the talented people and good scripts that don't get made when she gets to make crap is sad.

I went to a bunch of display homes with neighbour today to look at what new houses are being built, whats in fashion, and how much it costs to build a new home.  Basically it costs $405,000 to live in the cheapest type of house 55 km from the city, that would take 3 hours to commute to the city in the morning.  It was very life affirming for me, that the decisions that I have made do stack up.  What type of terrible life would people who live out there have. Spending 5 hours a day traveling, to live in the middle of nowhere, with no culture, all of your income going to pay the mortage, with no left over cash for anything else.  My neighbour told me there is this thing called "The Tipping Point" when living in Sydney, because it is so expensive people have to choose weather to stay childless in Sydney, or leave and have children, because it isn't possible to have both for lots of people.

Sometimes doing "the sensible thing" just isn't sesible at all, all my partying and just living seem to look like a much better idea then being a slave to a ticky tacky box out west.  At the end of the day I've had a life thats been lots of fun, no one can take that away from me.  Being a slave to a mortage seems like a wasted life to me.   No amount of granite bench tops are going to make you feel loved, alive or hold your hand when you're sick and your chips are down.
Most people don't get to have everything in life, some people get to have very little, but if you're middle class, like me, then it seems like I have to decided what to put my energy into, and over commiting to the surburban dream doesn't seem like it pays back that much.  Who is it who keep selling us this dream as one that is worth having? and how many of the people who buy into it, wake up one day feeling like they traded their youth and life for a now 20 year old house and a kitchen that is out of style?

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Airport Hotness


It's 5 am and I look great, I put a little thought into a look I wanted to travel in and it turned out much better than I could have hoped. I may have only had 2 hours sleep for the last three nights in a row, I am still the hottest guy in Sydney domestic airport at this hour. I don't have bagges under my eyes, not sure why and my skin is looking as good as a German Hugo boss model, I think thanks may need to go to clarins for both of those, I get credit for my clever new yorker inspired modern travel guy look. May not be the best looking guy normally or have the hottest body, but looking great at this hour when everyone else looks terrible has me claiming poll position this morning, even the cabin crew in uniforms look tired and worse presented.
It's like Pam Ann says, "if you're wondering wondering why you Are sitting back there in economy look at the person next you, that explains it, law of fucking attraction. Don't blame me, you put yourself there, maybe read the secret and put a heel on and then one day you too could be up graded". Unfortunately flying jetstar we are all one class, peasant.

Holiday!



Its finally happening I'm going on a holiday tomorrow, so I probably won't get to post for 7 days, but think of me in the sun.  I'm going to a resort in Port Douglas, north of Cairns, and its gay only and clothing optional.  I guess the few holidays I have been on have turned into gay holidays anyway, e.g. went to NZ and was so bored I spent all week in the saunas as there was nothing I liked better, so this time I just decided to go on a gay holiday in the first place.  Lots of books and sun and snorkeling for me.



Below is a video of my friend and her friend, who is Phil Romano's sister, this is the funniest clip on You Tube I have ever seen!