You've Got The Whiff of Loser on You

The funny thing is that when you most need help, no one really wants to be around you.  The more success you have, the more people feel like being around you, which just sucks, because when people are really down and out they get deserted, I walk past street people begging and wonder, if I didn’t have people who cared for me, would that be me?  I think it could be.  One of the harshest things I have ever heard someone say is “She left me saying I had the whiff of loser on me and that it was very unattractive”.  Ouch!  Success is a tricky mother fucker, I’m not sure what I think about it ATM, although I do think I am noticing that a lot of things that people think are important I don’t, and I often wonder if they have way worse sex lives compared to me, do people make trivial things important and blow them out of proportion in the importance stakes, because they aren’t getting laid and it if they are, they don’t enjoy it?
When I see people living out of an organizer, everything planned and scheduled I think do you schedule sex?

I am finding how I view myself in relation to success quite confusing and complex ATM.  I think I used to think I would be successful, but I guess I really haven’t been, which I think I have found very hurtful, and confronting and hard to explain to myself and family.  I have had an amazing week, a new car, first employee, and $44,000 booked in a month, if was able to maintain this, which I am not presuming I can, I would be on track to be running a $540,000 dollar business at age 31, solely, not bad at all and I would be ahead of the curve.  I guess I feel that at the moment I am in the bottom 20% for my age, and I hate it, if I was able to achieve this business goal I would probably be in the top 1% for my age, or even higher 0.5% or even 0.01%, 1 in 1000 people who can earn that money at 31.

Yesterday I hung out with my friend who is heiress to a sizable fortune, I then got off the phone to another friend who is worth about 100 million at age 31, I then met my cousin for dinner and we went drinking together, she is 45 kg 5 foot 6, tiny little thing, the original L.A. lolly pop girl, head on a stick, Sophie Monk eat your heart out, you will never be as thin as my 4 cousins, all of them part heiress to a sizable Australian fashion house, not Myer of David Jones, but top 5 after those two, think Australia’s Calvin Klein.  I used to think it was great having all these wildly outrageously out there happening people as my true and genuine close friends, but when I can’t compete with them, it sucks.  My sense of what is normal and achievable has been screwed.

At this point in time I am finding myself thinking that bad luck, has been just that, bad luck, it is uncontrollable.  Luck, it’s not really in vogue right now, people like the idea of being able to control and influence our lives and destine, but can we? I don’t think we can.  I am becoming a believer in luck.  The belief that planning can keep us safe and happy, is partly true, but ultimately not true, it depends on what parameters one is working with in.

Kerry Packer the richest man in Australia for many years, only believed in luck, when hiring for key position in his company, he would ask “but is he lucky?” he believed in luck over skill.  I am starting to join you Kerry, luck trumps all other advantages.  Without your health, you have nothing, and other than living healthily, how can one control your health, it’s impossible, its luck.

It looks like my luck is turning, I would like to believe it is, but it is scary to believe it, because disappointment is a bitch.  44K of work will mean nothing if I get sick again and can’t do it.  Has my luck turned or will I continue to philander?

I have other people counting on me for their income now, not just me, the weight of responsibility is starting to grow.