Low Self Esteem

My last post was called "The Dream", maybe this one should be called the night mare.   I don't often have low self Esteem, well at least to the out side world.  There were a few highs before I hit this low, shall I disect?  I am tired from not having a weekend off in 6 weeks.  I am exhasted from cunty gay couples who haven't paid me for the work I have done, hence I am having to pursue them for money.  I am stressed about my own money and not having enough work for my workers and they are stressed about money.  All too much to take on in my first year of business.  A few months ago I was excited about being a $500k business in my first year, and looks like I could get to 1.2 mill in my second, very good news if it happens.
I have nothing to show for how hard I have been working, I feel half way between the gutter and the stars, I'm not sure if things are going to get great, or weather I will go under and be living rough with the other homless, I find myself looking at where the homeless are sleeping, and sussing out the best locations...... sad hey. 
Now add to these problems I went out with a very good straight friend who I have stopped pretending that my feelings for him are one sided, he has feelings for me, but he doesn't have the balls to admitt it.  The things he does to deny who he really is is really sad.  The ways he treats women is discusting.  I feel the need to make him wake up to the way he lies and roots girls and treats them badly.  But if he isn't brave enough to own up to who is, then is it any wonder he can't be true to me. 
So add a 5 am night at Arq and booze and a hugh disappointment in said friend who has really disappointed me with his stories, my crush weakens.

Then Sunday I got a phone call from my sexy lebo plumber asking me out on a date.  Well he asked me to go shopping with him, with much conversation about his hugh balls that need my underware and jeans to take care of them.  So here I am thinking next he will be asking for a sleep over all long weekend.  But I was wrong, I bought him some CKs and FCUK, but his wife aparently told him that I was hitting on him.    I feel like an idiot, apparetly he told me his uncle had died and he was going to try and stop working as hard.  May be his phone call had been him reaching out while he was upset.  But he has feeling for me I can tell, and yet now his wife called him on it he has backed off heaps.
I am feeling totally unloveable.  The sad thing is there are guys who love me, but I don't like them, but I am so down I am leading one of them on,  its  a sad thing to do, but that is how low I feel.

The Dream

I just had a funny / strange conversation with the hot lebo plumber that I have a major crush on.  He told me he is lonely and has NO friends, like non.  Any one who is supposed to be his friend uses him.  He makes an effort to be nice to me, and calls me a few days a week to check on me.  He is married and probably off limits sexually but, I still want his attention and affection in what ever form I can get it.  I am still going to try and get with as many of his workers as I can, well the hot ones anyways to sharpen his attention on me.  I was thinking I need to tell him that my intentions are not pure either because, because I want him, not his money like other guys use him, but who he is, its beautiful and warm and loving and sexy.  Not that I think my intentions are bad, just.... well not plutonic.  But then I remebered I had a dream.  When I was annoyed at my best friend last year because he was a user, I would dream about what I wished my best friend was really like and I used to dream for a hot sexy lebo who loved me.  Looks like I have found him.  It might not ever include sex, but most good friends don't fuck each other, so maybe I have found my new best friend, and he is gorgous, I do this a lot, make friends with super hot straight guys and we get really close and hang out, walk the flirtation line, but will we or won't we ever do it?  The tension keeps me hooked and makes the friendship more exciting.







Robbie and Benji a great Love story,

Mistakes I've Made

I came to a realization yesturday that I have had too much sex and not enough love.  Not sure why, not sure how to fix it.  Not sure why I only just realized it.  Not sure if I will keep feeling this way.  Why I have I only cared about sex and not love?  And am I right to think that some of my problems come from not having love in my life?

Bunnings' God

They are not always there, some days there are no hot tradies at all, but today was a Stella day, a super hot masculine tanned either Greek or Lebo construction worker. I got a bit stalkerish on him and followed him up and down the aisles and waited out the front to see whatt car / truck he drove. He had branding on his shirt but no phone number, I have just realize I need shirts with phone numbers on them, who know who might feel the need to dial my digits when they see me. God knows i would have called him today.

The All Black

The Rugby World Cup is on in NZ and probably due to it being on the TV in the pub where I was having a drinking with an ex, her one and only one night stand in her life, who happened to be with this lovely man above came up.  She had just ran away from LA from a nasty ex there and decided to go home with this hunk, who even though she goes for the All Blacks in theory, she had no idea of who he was.  Later she found out and made the mistake of telling one friend who she swore to secrecy.  This friend then had her engagement party on the Gold Coast and my friend walked into a room of Gold Coast Rugby fans, who all gathered round her and told her what a ledgend she had been for sleeping with him!   Even the grandma was hi fiveing her.  She was mortified, that everyone knew.  And now she made the mistake of telling me in the middle of a sex drought with nothing to write about!  His name is Luke Mcalister and she says that he was the best shag of her life, 4 times in one night and it was hot and heavy and great.  So one degree of sex seperation, I used to date a girl who fucked him!  I met up with her because I am bored.  I'm not attracted to girls, just bored with guys, I would date a girl again now, just out of sheer bordem, for something new to do.  I think its due to Grindr, it turns up so many potentials so quickly that the thrill of the new guy disappears, it becomes very same same so quickly, its like having someone elses whole dating life squashed into a month.


 

Just because

The Help

Just saw "the help" with My very black worker. We had a great time down the front laughing and giggling. It's a great movie about breaking down racial prejudice, sad and funny at the same time. Any way we got up and left as the credits rolled and the lights were on and every one saw it was two gay guys one white one black, and I heard the whole audience go silent and gasp slightly as if to imply how akward, a black and white couple watching this, what a poster for modern tolerant Australia.

Just had a really strong interview for a $200,000 plus job. Don't have it in the bag yet but things are looking good, it would keep me and my workers busy till Christmas.

Calvin Klein Decliner

What the heart wants continues to amaze. Today my worker told me that he was the Calvin Klein ad for 2009.  I had asked him which country he had got his CK's from as the writing looked different to mine, and from my ones from LA, and he said " I was given these when I was doing the shoot for CK, so I guess Australia?"  Later I asked him he was cuddly as a joke because he might have to sleep at my house some nights, and he said yes he is very cuddly and he would love to cuddle with me. Ck model wants to cuddle me and i don't care because I still want the hot apprentice, weird hey.

Humble Pie

I just wrote a funny post last night but my fucking new laptop won't let me post, so here I am on my iPhone again. Last night I hooked up with one of the plumbers apprentices, he is cute and straight and knows both, in short a recipe for a broken heart. Yes I have one today, I told the truth and told him that I like him, a gay boy in love with a straight boy it's a sad song as old as poor people going hungry. I'm licking my wounds, and sent him a text.

Did u get sick last night from the pizza I was so sick

 No I slept like a baby lion

King of the jungle

King of the jungle baby

Lol baby ? Is that a term of endearment or other?

 No reply so I wrote I'm off to the beach for sun!
 Nice day for a swim He says
 ..... Tbc What am u supposed to do, walk away and denie my feelings, or hope he is cool enough to play with me with out it messing with his head about who is? I'm no gay recruiter I want him straight just flexible around me.