Monday, February 28, 2011

Bodyguard Crush



If I ever have money one thing I want to do is interview the hottest body guards in Sydney and pick one to be my personal body guard.  I am in no danger, but I have a fantasy about choosing the hottest tough guy I can find in Sydney and paying him to protect me.  Take me shopping, go to restaurants, go to night clubs and just have this strapping man there to protect you.  And in my fantasy he would gradually warm to me, he would most probably be straight, but may be with a deep dark secret that only my friend ship ignites the deep longing and passion in side him.  And maybe ex-military as well, having served time in Iraq, he has come back to Sydney a damaged man, with emotional issues that sometimes when I catch him off guard, like when he is sitting on the end of my bed (who knows why he would be sitting on the end of my bed) I find him crying, as he is trying to process the pent up feelings inside him.  He wears dark glasses and dark suits and some time a little tear will run down his face from behind his dark sunglasses as he works through the pain inside.  He is no longer fit for duty due to his war trauma, and through my warmth and friend ship he learns how to reconnect with the civilian world and feel love again.  He starts to hang out with me outside the hours I pay him, and before long he is calling me to hang out.  He of course feels safe around me because I tell him I am gay, and that I only hired him because of his brooding good looks.  He hasn’t been able to find a woman who can heal his pain like I can, and he finds himself wanting to sleep over in my bed because he lost his close male friends when he left the army and he doesn’t get to sleep next to them anymore.  He starts sleeping over in my bed every night and he holds me tight, and some nights he wakes up screaming but he isn’t embraced by his night terrors because he knows I don’t care, and gradually they happen less and less.  He starts asking me to go camping with him, like they did in the SAS (the elite fighting unit of the Australian Army) and when we are camping in the mountains, I kind of realize that he hasn’t been out of my life or bed for several months now, he has basically moved in without me realizing because it just happened so naturally I didn’t even register it was happening.  He tells me under the stars that he has found true love for the first time with me, and I realize that I have nursed a very tough man back to mental health and I am happy that I was able to help one of our fighting men.   But now that he is well again I’m not sure where his true orientation lies as he is very straight in so many ways, was he only gay when he was emotionally wounded?



Hot Lebo Trophy Boy Friend

I’m going on a date tonight with a guy I meet last night.  He’s kind of nice and into numerology, and while we were cuddling in a room in a sex on premise venue, he told me about myself based on the numbers that make up my birthday.  It was really interesting and so true and he knew heaps about me just based on numbers, it was uncanny.  But I really like a Lebanese waiter I saw working in a restaurant in Lakemba, which for those of you who don’t know Sydney is a very Arab / Muslim area, there is mosque, and I like the area, its different, you feel like you are in a different country when you go there, and I love good looking Arab men.  Seeing as I want a hot Lebo boy friend I spent all Sunday driving between the different Lebanese areas in Sydney people watching trying to immerse myself in their culture.  I think it’s true after a whole day observing the Arab areas, that Aussie white Australians are better looking on the whole, but you get these odd one or two Lebo’s per hundred which are out of this world good looking.  And that’s my target.  I wanted a trophy Arab boy friend.  Thing is I want him to be proper gay not bi, which a lot of them are, so he is going to have to be brave enough to come out, or have a cool family.  And I don’t like queeny ones, I want the butch hard core manly ones, like the builders or tough ruthless business men, which are more likely to be the Bi ones.  I pass for straight 99% of the time, and it’s not an act, I just present that way.  And I don’t want chase masculinity in another guy.  So often gay guys like manly guys because that’s what they crave.  Only about 10% gay guys go after less masculine guys, everyone else is looking for someone to be more masculine, more of a man then they are.  I think I need to be enough of a man for myself, I don’t think I should pursue it in someone else, but Lebo’s are my type and only the hard core rugged ones, so is ok to like them? Or am I just chasing after the one type of guy that I think is more masculine me?

Nightmare

I work up the early hours of this morning from a horrible nightmare.  Except most nightmares are not really based in reality, but this one was.  This one is very real.  I was in my mother kitchen and she caught me on my laptop up dating my blog, when she walked off in a huff saying
Gay man in Sydney, oh great so you are a pansy
 Excuses me is there something you would like to ask me?
Are you gay?
Yes I am, I say calmly without the slightest hint or remorse.
Well just so you know I’m changing my will if that the case.
Fine then I’ll see you in court then, I say
And then we launch into a shouting match with her sighting the church’s teachings as to why I was an evil sinner, and me shouting back all her flaws and what a pathetic mother she had always been, basically saying why would I ever want to live with a woman after the trauma she had inflicted on me.
Then I woke up in a cold sweat full of fear, feeling alone.  The sad thing is the day I want to come out of the closet will probably be the day I no longer have a mother.  So basically to fully embrace that open side of myself is the day that I choose that my mother dies, because that is what will happen, she will no longer have anything to do with me.  It’s a huge price to pay for truth and honesty and integrity.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

He Who Loves Least Wins

I HATE this philosophy, but I have two male friends who live by it, one straight one gay.  I think it is immature and I can’t wait until they both get bitten in the arse by this ridiculous attitude to love and friend ship.  The straight one got his girl live in girl friend pregnant and has since had a second kid with her and he is still with holding love, saying that whoever loves the other one the least wins because the one who loves most does all the work in the relationship.  What the fuck? What a stupid way to go through life, having children with someone and still not committing and still not saying I love you.  I recon the first time he says I love you will be after the lovely girl friend, has run out of love, is dried up and bitter and is walking out the door with his two children to start a new life with someone who values her for the women with love to give that she is.  How damaged do you have to be to reduce your life to a petty  game of withholding of love, to keep the other person dancing on egg shells hoping you will one day love her? 
The gay one was my best friend and he is in a new relationship, but he is so selfish it will only be a matter of time until his new boyfriend realizes just what he has got on his hands.   My friend thinks we don’t hang out any more because he has a new boyfriend, but he doesn’t know that my new year’s resolution was not to spend any more time with him until he starts to do some self less acts.  Even though we never dated, we are very close and he had me wrapped around his little finger basically I would put all the work into our friendship not realizing I was not getting anything back because we have so much fun when we hang out.  But ask him to do anything for me that involves the slightest inconvenience and would simply say no.  And when you pointed out anything he did that annoyed you he would simply say “If you don’t like it you can fuck off.”  So I started to avoid criticizing or asking anything of him that I knew I wouldn’t get to avoid his withholding of friend ship.  That was until I got sick and he never once visited me, and then I realized in 4 years of living in Sydney he had never made the trip to my house, I had traveled to him every time we have done something, sometimes 5 nights a week.   NO MORE BUDDY!  I can’t wait until both their houses come crashing down around there ears, I can’t believe the universe hasn’t taught them to change their ways yet, it’s a flawed way of relating to the world and I CAN'T WAIT to see them humbled.
And the funny things is I can write about here because even thought they both know I write this blog and I have asked them to read it several times, neither of them do because they are so wrapped up in their own lives that reading about someones elses is too inconviencing for them.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Disco Shopping



I was shopping at Coles in Waterloo tonight and it had some cracking tunes playing, I was singing along having my own little Australian Idol moment, Faith Hill, “This Kiss” had me going for the high notes, any way I was really getting into it at the checkout and everyone around me was getting into it at as well most of the couples were walking around with their trolleys having fun shopping, the checkout girl like it I was making her night.  It reminded me of my local super market where they have mirror balls and big night club speakers and they crank disco and house music and people love it.  You don’t want to leave, air conditioned, shopping and great music, hide in the aisles and dance up and down them on the polished floors with the shopping basket as your dance partner.  Well I was having visions of being in some film clip being filmed in a super market and thinking how all supermarkets should play more upbeat music because people would spend more because they were happy, when my bubble was rudely burst by two 20 year old straight guys how walked past laughing their guts out at me.  I had lost myself in my checkout haze that I didn’t realize I was now dancing as well.  And the friendly couples who were in line with me sharing our Faith Hill moment had left leaving me dancing like a fool by myself.  Well I was brought back to earth with a thump, and it is moments like this that I really wished some friend had lent me their new Bentley and as the young guys were leaving the super market they just happen to see me cruise past in a $600,000 car, see how hard they would be laughing then.
Well I have a lot of reasons to smile I realized, I not in Christchurch for a start.  Those poor people, I am so upset watching all those dead people being pulled out from the ruble caused by the second earth quake.  I usually get caught up in natural disasters, I find the drama so addictive and exciting, but not this one, it’s too horrible.
But my other good news is that I am working again and I am making $500 per day, so despite only having one weeks work so far since Christmas I had enough money to register my car, fix a minor problem, service it, pay my rent and go shopping for luxury groceries and I don’t have to worry about money!  It really is wonderful.
I am in a very good place when it comes to the sex verse love area, I am full of love and looking for love, but I have been feeling the need for sex.  But in a good way, not a lonely or any other needy way, I just genuinely need to have sex to feel healthy.  So in the spirit of looking for love but not having found it yet, I went back to my favorite beat by the bay and yes there was something going on in the garden, it was me.  I saw a guy that I have seen at the sauna before and he is Okay looking but nothing that great, and in sunny sunlight he looked worse than usual, and seeing as he always snobs me and I like him but only a little, I was tempted to say as I walked pasted “your even uglier in daylight” but I’m glad I didn’t because later he was the only option and he was suddenly keen on me, so we were posturing though the bushes to attract each other and he said come over here, so I did and it turns out he is in the French Navy with a big schlong and he was suddenly very into me and said “I want you to cum on my chest”  he had great pecks and so I got him down on his knees and did a Jackson Pollock all over his neck chest.

If you go down to the woods today
You're sure of a big surprise
If you go down to the woods today
You'd better go in disguise.
For every bear that ever there was
Will gather there for certain, because
Today's the day the naughty Bears have their picnic.
Every Bear who's been good
Is sure of a treat today.
There's lots of marvelous things at the beat

And wonderful games to play.
Beneath the trees where nobody sees
They'll hide and seek as long as they please
'Cause that's the way the naughty Bears have their picnic.
If you go down to the woods today
You'd better not go alone
It's lovely down in the woods today
But safer to stay at home.
For every bear that ever there was
Will gather there for certain, because
Today's the day the Teddy Bears have their picnic.
See them gaily gad about
They love to play and shout;
They never have any care

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Queer Culture = Why?


As gay men and women I think it is our duty to ask why.  The head of Queer culture at Gorge Town or Princeton, one those good American universities runs a think tank called Queeriosity, now I would never use the world queer as I think it has very negative connotations, but there is this whole philosophy about as long as you “own” a world they can’t hurt you.  Like black Americans saying “Niger”.  And gay people calling each other fag and poof.   Well the philosophy is of Queeriosity is that being gay is not just a sexual preference it is a rebellion against all the norms of society.  It is a way of revolting against what we are told is normal, and must always be.  I like this theory because I think it is true.  Because when I was thinking about being gay, I guess I was saying, hey world I think there is a better way of doing things, and you know what I am going to live it and see if I am right.  When we choose to live our lives with the same sex we are breaking the norm of falling in love and having children.  Our lives have to be about more things than just bringing children into the world.  Up until now I would say that my philosophy has been have as much fun as possible, I didn’t consciously decided to do it, it just happened, I love the good times and having fun, its me.  I don’t think bringing children into the world is necessarily deeper than my philosophy.  I mean I would never bring a child into this because I wanted one, I would bring a child into this world because I think I could give him or her a great life and I would need to have figured out what I think the meaning of life is so that I had integrity with my beliefs and actions.  At this stage if I get to the point where I think the world is a good enough place to bring another life into it then I would, but I’m not convinced it is yet. 

 I really believe that so many people get trapped in the “how” that they never get to the more important “why”.  I mean straight people seem to look for love, get the big mortgage that makes them work shitty jobs with long hours to pay for it so they can house their children, and I wonder have any of them ever really thought why they are going through all this trouble, I mean what is it making them have children? Boredom? It’s what society says you are supposed to do? Everybody else does it?  How else do you define yourself other than by making the next generation? Well I think too many people are defining their existence through children, not enough are sitting back and looking at this existence on this planet and saying “is this really good enough?” I mean, may be more quality to life and less people.  And if you can’t have children, then how do you define your existence? Making the world a better place?  I couldn’t really give a toss any more about that, I mean if I make it a better place great, but I don’t get up in the morning hoping to do that.  No I need a more selfish reason for living then helping the less fortunate.  I here by take owner ship of my life, and state that the reason I exist is…….. well I still can’t think of anything better than have a fun time, so until I find a better reason that will be it.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

The Wait is Over


I found out the guy I asked out has a boy friend L.  Well that’s what he said, I can’t help feeling a little like Val, from the Nanny.  Whenever she asked out a guy they would say they were gay and then she would see them making out with a girl later.

Friday, February 18, 2011

The Waiting Game


I just asked someone out with a card, like a belated Valentines.  Well its been 7 hours and no reply.  Have I been rejected?  I handed it to him in person, and had a nice message asking him on a date with my mobile number in it.  Oh well it was my first attempt at Valentine ’s Day and I’m still in my little love bubble high from my new found hope in romantic relationships between me and another guy.  I’m also hoping that maybe I will be able to unblock another blockage which is what I am going to do for work.  I am hoping that with new love will come a new sense of what it is I am supposed to do with my life.  Well it’s a theory in the book I’m reading that when someone suppresses their true feelings to do with sexual attraction it messes up other things in their life, like passion, so hopefully my new love will push my indifference out of the way.  Here’s hoping.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Disability Dating

Valentine’s day doesn’t register on my psyche at all, never has, but then I have never had a Valentine given or received one.  Well today a friend sent me a nice message and I was already thinking of giving someone I want to get to know a card, but I only know where he works, and don’t know if he is working today.  The other thing is he is disfigured in quite a major way.  I think he is really hot, and probably nice as well, but his face has been damaged in a major way and I think it looks nice, but I am a little worried what other people’s reactions would be if they saw us together.  I like guys who are deaf as well, and guys who have really large birth makes on their face.  When someone is venerable like that, I mean when your face is deformed there is no hiding.  I guess you get to a point where you hope the world likes you for you, but I think they are hot!  It may a little bit want to care for someone, but mainly I really think they are good looking.   Oh and there was this one guy who was missing an arm, but he was so good looking, I wanted him even more.
So despite no one ever making me their valentine I was surprised to find out that my look rates the highest out of all looks when people are polled in focus groups.  Men’s magazines like Men’s Health and DNA etc nearly always have white males with dark hair and the highest percentile, is blue eyes with dark hair, I am all three white, dark haired, blued eyed, this look is consistently voted the most desirable in all couture’s even Indian and Asian, men’s magazines put my look on the front cover over Asians even in Asian counties, now that is surprising.  There is a spectrum according to the research, white men, who look Hispanic all the way through to Arabic, but no darker than that.  And at the other spectrum blonde is out for men, blonde rates at 5%, black men rate at 3% white dark haired men rate at 80% plus and goes up with blue eyes to 88% and tanned skin takes the rating to 92% most preferred from all surveyed across all cultures, now that is fascinating, I guess I lucked out in that department.  I get asked if I am Lebanese at least once a week lately which I love, because I think the Arab look is HOT! So even though I’m not, I love it that people think that I am.  Should my answer be “no I’m not but I love to fuck them, does that count?”

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Discos and Days Gone By

I have up loaded some old CD’s onto my IPod and I am having flash backs to the late 90’s early 2000’s lying here and I have to write about it.  The dance music from the time leading up to New Year’s 2000 was so druggie.  It was a lot darker and deeper than the happy house that followed, and took me too very very far away places; in fact the music is really quite depressing, well at least that’s how it makes me feel.  One of the most wonderful things about music is that no one knows what direction it will go in next.  No one knows what the next big hit is going to be.  All I knew when I was 19 was that I liked to go out with my friends dancing.  Other people were into pubs, and drinking and I liked drinking and dancing, not restaurants and not drinking in a pub for drinking’s sake.  Smash a few shots and standards and then hit the floor and dance all night.  The music that was out back then, even if most of it sounds like crap now compared to where house music has taken us now, it was still great back then compared to all the shit that was played on the radio like Jimmy Barns and all the other shouting angry men from the rock scene.

I’m quite excited about dating again.  I have a new found enthusiasm and excitement, thanks to “10 Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love”.  I’m no longer going to hide from relationships, thinking that they can’t work between two guys.  I have a new found hope and I find it all really exciting and refreshing and new.  Well new again, that’s why these old deep trance songs are so strong on me, I’m open to love again, and it feels like when I was 22 going through all these feelings for the first time, but listening to these dark trance tunes makes me wonder how much of my anxiety and depression about being gay and not begin able to make it work with a guy last time round was made more intense because of the music.  All those dark anxious feelings were flooding back today and as soon as I changed the song they went away.  When I’m in love or in a heightened romantic state, it seems that I have to be careful about what music I listen too.Thumbnail: click to play

Friday, February 11, 2011

Winter Plan



It’s hard to believe but the year is already 1 / 10th over.  There are only 16 days of summer left.  Winter and the end of day light saving will be on us soon.  I’m a planner, I like to plan, and so far my new year’s resolutions are further away then when I wrote them.  I’ve been sick, not working, so no money, business is not good, so no new Mercedes 4wd, no overseas holiday, I made it to the gym three times this week so I’m feeling a little better.  I haven’t been out much so no new stable friends around me to improve my Sydney network.  Mardi gras will be here and so will my 31st birthday, I’m a Pisces.  Sometimes I feel like I’m marching towards the grave, but not today, so I won’t be that morbid.  I used to hate winter, but last summer was so humid that I made up my mind I was going to like winter better than summer this year and it worked, I breezed through winter without getting SAD (seasonal affected disorder) but nothing beats being SAD like a holiday to somewhere warm, like New Caledonia.  My new winter holiday dream. 

They speak French, and have recently launched a new gay campaign to make it a gay holiday hotspot.  Well sign me in I could do with fucking a few hot French soldiers on a winter sun vaca.  Winter usually makes me more thoughtful as I spend more time indoors thinking, but since writing this blog, I wouldn’t really like to be any more self examining than I am now, so I wonder what winter will bring this year.  I heard a rumor on the grape vine that I might be given access to my trust fund, after being denied 10 years longer than my other siblings.  Some said they thought it was because my parents suspected I was gay and didn’t want to give me money, well it’s a constant source of anger to me, so I try not to think about it, but if that happens this year, what would you do if you came into a whack of money you hadn’t worked for?  I have been contemplating moving to the Mediterranean and partying with the other super rich kids.  Have the jet set life that I should have had in my 20’s but never did.  I’m happy in Sydney so no need to leave.  Money does make young people a little more interesting because they can live without limits.  I’m curious as to what interesting characters I might meet, with the Euro trash set in St. Tropez. 

 I used to party with the rich kids and they were funny, a bit insecure and unhappy but defiantly not boring, and a bit too druggy for my liking, I have no need to push the boundaries in that area.  It’s interesting to think what I would do if I was to go from working class to retired in a day. 

I’m living without religious guilt for the first time, nearly ever, I just won’t buy into it anymore, so that’s like a holiday in its self.  I wonder if I hadn’t been brought up to be afraid of being gay would I have come out 10 years ago, got in touch with my real passions and who I’m meant to be on this earth and lived happily ever after?  Interesting thought, but hey I’ve had fun so far so no regrets.  I may be living without guilt but I still don’t feel any closer to finding out what it is I’m supposed to do with myself.  A friend say that he doesn’t think I was ever meant to work, I’m supposed to be one of those people who just exists, who just is, like an art installation, who’s that, that’s Cassius, like Madonna, one name recognition, what’s he do? He doesn’t do, he just is.  Mmmm a walking breathing art installation is that who I’m supposed to be?  I used to want to make beautiful spaces for people to live in, that’s why I did architecture, but now I couldn’t really give a fuck, you can all live in your little ticky tacky boxes.   Maybe I’m relationship ready and someone else with bring it out in me? Is that it? Maybe.

Footballers Wives



I just want to take a moment to honor this show.  I think possibly the best show of all time across all genres.  I have nothing to say really the story lines are all to over the top but acted deadpan serious, so OTT funny.  When looking for pictures, the actually real life footballers are more over the top then the pictures from the show! How hilarious.  Enjoy. 
These are REAL! these ones aren't the actors

Also real, how tacky new baby and sex on the beach...
Also more plastic than they could make any of the actresses look


Imprinting


I’m reading a new book called “10 Smart Things Can Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love” I’ve only just started reading it but already it has brought up some amazing points, one is about gay imprinting.  As children we are nearly all born to straight parents, and nearly all of us figure out there is something wrong with being gay when we are at school and in our families, so we run and hide from what we naturally are to survive.  As we get older and feel we should no longer deny who or what we are, being gay comes bubbling out no matter how hard we try to hide from it, of course some people are more successful than others are repressing and hiding.  But basically no one plans to come out, studies it, or has any instruction on it.  So coming out is basically what happens when someone decides they can’t hide from it anymore.  So basically if gay men around you are a mess, don’t be too hard on them, because no one has lead the way and shown them what it means to be gay and mature.  A lot of us regress back to a child like state as that may have been when we last felt safe and happy.  With no positive role models out there for us to follow, no wonder we end up in bars clinging to each other for support.  There isn’t a history of intellectualism to guide the way on what it means to be gay.  If the whole world is set up to show what it means to be straight and you’re not, where as a child are we supposed to imprint and learn how to mature gay men, no wonder we are all about sex, it’s the only thing that comes naturally everything else is socialization and needs to be learnt.

From Sex Drought to a Reputation in a Day

After breaking the drought yesterday afternoon I went to dinner with a friend on Victoria St. Darlinghurst and we decided to go to the gym after.  While I was having a shower 10 minutes before the gym closed, I opened my shower door to grab my towel and I noticed and man with an ENORMOUS member had his doors open and was giving me my own private little show.  I was mesmerized.  I half shut my door and watched it was a sight to behold, he was magnificent, so much so I was tempted to drop to my knees and show him just glorious I thought he was. 

I managed to keep it together only just and as I walking out of the shower another decent looking wog with a hot wog cock was doing the same, with his shower door open.  I was in heaven I wanted to suck them both off there in the showers, but some semblance of dignity must be maintained.  I got dressed and walked out with my mate, he hadn’t had a clue what was going on, so I told him and he wanted to run back up and see these two huge cocks for himself.  This was at one of the gayest gyms in Australia, Fitness First Potts Point or as I like to call it Faggets First Poofs Point.  I’m tempted to go back to tonight for round two, who needs to go to a sauna with a gym like that.  As we were walking home is said to my mate, I better be careful or I could get a reputation “you already have one.” Was his smart arse reply.


 I was working in Mosman today, arrrhhh the rich suburbs where the husbands get up early and go to work to pay the huge mortgages on the multimillion dollar homes, and you see all the tradies and pool boys driving into the area in their utes, to renovate, trim the hedges and fuck the wives.  Well today I was one of those pool boys, but seeing I was working on an empty house I decided to go for a swim at Obelisk one of Sydney’s nude beaches, to save having to wear swimmers, I can just run down drop my shorts and jump in.  It’s pretty much a gay beach and all the lush dense bush land around is a big beat.  I used to go there when I was 22 all the time and today I decided to look around, and want do you know I found a big black dude with a good 10 inches and the hot aussie surfer dude from the beach I had lusting over, they signaled for me to join in their fun in the middle of the old fortification, it was HOT!  We should have Xtubed ourselves it would be a hit!   I think I might have lost my mobile there, mmmmm is the universe punishing me for having too much sex?

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Baby I'm Back



Walking along the road today, in a little bit butch area, a little working class, a cute guy made eye contact with me as he walked up the stairs from the train station and walking along in front of me he kept turning back to stare at me and make it known, he likey.  Well I thought it was someone who I had meet at a party a month ago so I kept smiling back to let him know it was me.  I pulled alongside him and said, “hi we meet before at the singles mixer, Diego right?” “yeah” he said.  Any way I thought Diego hadn’t really liked me before, so I was a little surprised at his brazen cruising me in the street.  Any way I got to my 4WD and said “this is me, see ya” he walked off but keep turning to look at me.  Traffic was slow so as I drove down the main busy road, he kept up with me letting me know he still likey, so I put my window down and said “do you want to get in” sure, he said and in he jumped, we drove along, not sure he was really wanting me, I could barely understand him, he could speak English last time we talked, he was funny and articulate, any way he did come back to mine and we had a great time.  His English was not as good as I remember, he didn’t work in IT as I thought and he was a bit better looking I thought.  So I was beginning to think is this really Diego? Or did he just say he was, so I asked, “Diego right?”  No, he said, Enrique.  I had just fooled around with someone who I didn’t know, mistaken identity, but a hot South American student who barely spoke English, HOT! And he picked me up at the train station, Macky’s back!  The sex drought is OVER.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Soilder Love

-They gave me a medal for killing two men, but dishonorably discharged me for loving one-
Thus read the epitaph on a Vietnam Veterans’ head stone.  As was pointed out to me in the book I’m

reading “10 Things” this says a lot about how our society views masculinity.  To kill and dominate others is desirable, but to love a man is weak and undesirable.  The Alpha male dominate all others thing is such an immature way to operate.  Children who have been poorly parented often have the need to dominate others as they were never disciplined in the art of the win win approach to life.  I really feel that as more time goes by and as the general social intelligence of the population goes up, this need to dominate others to get by, which is basically cave man stuff, will wane.  And the male need to base their masculinity on NOT liking other men, will relax.  Straight males will not be straight because “oh dude its so gross when I think about two dudes together” but because they genuinely like women.

Who Will It Be?


I have made quite a bit of progress on my Bi sexual journey of discovery.  I guess if you are bi-sexual you probably get frustrated like me wondering what side of the fence you are eventually going to come down on, and will you build a life with a man or a woman.  Wondering about this certainly makes me dizzy as it does my head in.  Any way the things that have changed are due to a book I have been reading called “10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Lasting Love” and I LOVE it is so not boring and a great read.  Any way this book has tapped into a lot of gay prejudges that I have and I have excised them and are more comfortable in my own skin.  Since reading “Velvet Rage” I have been wondering why I never dream about building a life with a man?  I mean I have based most of Bi Sexuality on not being able to get close to men emotionally.  I love women for closeness and not bothered either way about sex, but prefer men for casual encounters as it’s just easier.  Any way building a life with a man since starting to read “10 Things” has started to form in my dream life, and thoughts and I am excited! Not scared! I thought that if I had to go fully gay and not hide, it would be scary for me, but it isn’t I am excited about meeting some wonderful guy and building a great life, no shame and no fear.  Having said that my feelings for women have not really reduced at all, I just haven’t date any for a long time now and don’t have any on the horizon.  One question that seems to be floating about in my head is to do with children.  I’m in two minds.  One thought is that the world, and my life has been terrible to date and I would never want to bring a child into this miserable place.  So  that makes me want to be gay even more.  And then I think well if I crank the happiness dial in my mind and I believe that the world is kind of cool and great, wouldn’t I want bring and raise a child in this world?  I would never marry just to have kids, but if I am life positive, and think I want to give life to someone else, then I kind of makes sense to go down the hetro road, although I have fostered before and would also like to be a cool gay dad, so I don’t care really, I could do the child thing either way.  I’m not sure that I want to be another egotistical arsehole who brings another child into this world because they are so blind that they think the world needs more of them! Haven’t you ever seen that, some fat boggan arsehole with 6 kids in the shopping centre, always out the front of Woolworths, because all they can do is consume food, and you think, why? More of you, really, is that what the world needed.  I think stop having kids and get a life and a clue you breeder arsehole.   Should my life be about making the world a better place? Not more people in it?  But either way I am at a point where I am totally comfortable making a life with a man or a woman.  I find myself thinking, who am I going to meet in the future?  Who is going to be this wonderful person who I like more than anyone else?  Is my best friend going to be a man or a woman?  It’s really very exciting, everyone I meet is a possibility.  I feel like, is there a girl out there who is so cool that she can be my best mate? Can she really be cooler than all my male friends and men who I will meet in the future?  And after only reading one and half chapters I already feel so together and issueless that I really want to talk to gay men and view them with new eyes.  I feel like I am the package, if any dude talks to me he would be lucky to have me as his partner, as I feel like I have a lot of love and great skills to make everything work.  Exciting times ahead.

Horray For the GFC



I have a friend who shall remain nameless for privacy reasons, there are a few online AKA’s I could give him but they are a little too obvious, so I will go with Sir_Sex_Alot.  Any way said friend has a very successful sister and brother in-law who let their early success go to their collective heads.  Sir_Sex_Alot is to most people very successful in his own right, owning quite a famous business and having minted some quiet decent money in his twenties when business was good.  But he was cursed with a Sister who might have almost made it onto the BRW rich list some years, and all of her own doing, not family money at all.  When times got tough and even before they had, the sister and her husband thought it necessary to chastise Sir_Sex_Alot for not being as successful as they were and for even having money dramas as things got tight.  Things such as “you need to be more like us” and “All I ever see you do is drink coffee, those coffees cost $3.50 each, you should not enjoy small things like that, save money like I do and don’t spend a cent.  You enjoy those coffees far too much”.  Such trite comments were common place and made all family gatherings a nightmare as they were delivered without Sir_Sex_Alot ever asking for advice, or help or complaining about his situation, but he would be honest and say when things were not good.  Any way Sir_Sex _Alot was convinced that his sister and brother in-law had no real business brains or skill, they were completely lucky in his mind and not very skillful in the industry they chose to set up in, as they chose an industry that Apple and ITunes and Mp3 downloading has killed.  Their retail brand was very big and everyone would know it, but as luck would have it, it is no more.  The GFC came and cleansed the over leveraged bastards out of existence, and now the sister is a waitress to try and help make ends meet.  They lost their mansion and their business.  And the only thing they have left is their memories from their overseas trips, as even toys they owned like jet skis were never used as they were too busy working all the time even though they didn’t have to.  Sir_Sex_Alot pointed out to me, that some people it doesn’t matter how much money they have, they would never have a clue how to use to make them happy.  All they can do is make it.  They cannot for the life of them have a life or a life style, it simply eludes them to know how to have fun and use money to make people around them happy.  I love this story because I have people in my life who have seen success early and they are convinced it is their magical powers, when really it’s just luck.  If you are naturally good at a high paying high demand industry, that’s no skill to be highly paid, they will take anyone they can get.  If you are artistic like me, what chance do you have but to be poor?  I have tried to flip myself inside out to be things I am told I should be, but I hasn’t worked, no more, I am going to stick to my nature artistic ways and be damned, if I can’t make money being things I don’t want to be then I will be poor or make my fortune doing things I want to do.

Success and Failure, You are Both Imposters



This is part of a poem called “IF” by Rudyard Kipling and my mother gave it to me in a card for my 21st birthday, I love it I think its amazing.  I am only putting up the part that I really like, because at the time I was fascinated by the thought that triumph and disaster are imposters.  It’s just as well I took notice of that line at the time because at that stage of life, things were going very well for me, and they haven’t for 3 years or longer now.  But I use this poem to see that when I was successful, that wasn’t really my doing I was lucky, things went well for me, and when I haven’t been doing well, that’s not me either, that’s life, no one would have been able to make lemonade from my bag of lemons.  Its not me its just life and one day my luck will turn back to favor me, and I will not think I’m better than other people, I will know it’s just luck and it comes and goes and we just do the best we can.
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

Friday, February 4, 2011

So Sydney, A Trashy Thursday Night Out

“Want to go out tonight?”  “Yeah ok, but it can’t be late because I have an interview first thing in the morning”  “Yeah no probs, I can’t have a late one either, I have a big day at work tomorrow, ok see you about 9, we’ll just have a quiet drink ok”.  Thus was spoken and out lined as the plan.  Needless to say I have never seen a night go so far of plan so quickly.
  I worked to 11 pm to have most of my prep done for my interview, and then we head to Oxford Street, and instead of going to Arq straight away I suggested we go to “Name This Bar” next door as it was empty and hence no line for the bar with a good DJ and I was there the night before and it had a fun vibe.  I was out with a straight mate, married with kids.  We were at the bar and two huge guys walked in; they were both muscley and good looking and could have been bouncers.  Mr. Straight Dad says to me look at those guys, they are foot ballers, first grade NRL.  I didn’t have a clue who they were, but Mr. Straight Dad being the working class hero that he is felt the need to go talk to them and confirm that they were who he thought they were.  I found them quiet off putting, as they were staring at me and not in a welcoming way.  I needed to go to the toilet and I thought before I went that blonde angry looking one would follow me and I wasn’t sure why I thought he would, it was just a feeling I had, and I didn’t know if he would be looking for trouble or….. Something else.  Anyway I was right he did follow me in 30 seconds after I had gone in to the toilets and frankly I was a little scared, why had he followed me in, was he going to cause trouble or was he a closet homo?  I decided I wasn’t about to find out and left.  My friend told me to come and join them and they were polite a fun, and we started doing rounds.  These guys were HUGE, I’m a big guy 120kg and a little scary looking but with a nice face and these guys were bigger than me, The really big front rower was probably 135 kg plus and he was really good looking and the blonde back rower was very manly but not as cute as the front rower, which is strange as its usually the other way around, but the back rower is very famous and probably has a top 15 media profile out of all the NRL.  We did 11 rounds in a little over an hour and then headed to Arq, the front rower was wearing thongs and he wanted to get in so he bought shoes off the bouncer on the door so he could come in.  We all went in and night really began.  While we were smoking outside Straight Dad told me that a dude on adult match maker and sent him a photo of his dick and it was huge half way to his knee, soft.  And then he said, “I’m really enjoying looking at guys cocks and I got a fat looking at this guys dick” well I found this a bit surprising.  But just smiled and said oh, ok, wow.  I guess a lot of straight guys like other guys dicks, they are pretty fascinating I guess.  Unfortunately Arq was a bit of a drug dealers convention last night and there was a bit of tension between the different dealer, of which my drunk friend managed to find his way into the middle of, and then get into an argument with one of the footballers.  I latter found him smoking a strangers crack pipe in the toilets.  And later in the night he came and found me and told me “I just sucked my first cock but I didn’t really like it”.  Mmmm defiantly an interesting night and an interesting friend.  I wonder did he suck cock because he was fucked up, or did he get fucked up so he could suck cock?  What came first the chicken or the egg, or in his case the cock or the alcohol.  The sun was nearly up and I wanted to get home.  I worked on my CV and made it to my interview, no longer completely Straight Dad didn’t come home with me, I think he was liking the man he had filatoed.  Our next phone call should be interesting, he phoned to tell me he skipped work today, but said “I can’t remember anything about last night”  is that code for don’t tell me what happened?  Not a chance! I will defiantly be bringing it up….. lol haha.