Dirty and Full of Shame

I had a practice run coming out on Wednesday night, my panel beater friend called me, he is friends with builder friend, so I thought why not tell panel beater now, and builder on the weekend.  Panel Beater was total cool about it, as I thought he would have been, he was kind and lovely.  But the next morning as I woke up, I woke up feeling dirty and very ashamed of who I am.  I think I had either been having an intense dream as I woke up or thinking bad thoughts in that restless half sleep.  I couldn’t shake that feeling for a while and it has really thrown me.  The experience the night before was liberating and positive, but two days later I still can’t shake that feeling about how I viewed myself waking up.  For some reason those negative shameful feelings seem more real, powerful and valid, to the point that I feel I am deceiving myself about “ gay is ok”, or more than ok, “it’s good to be gay”.  When I am awake I feel that, but in that half sleepy state where I couldn’t control where my mind went, I wasn’t safe from distressful shame.

Having a shower tonight I think I have gotten it sorted in my head what is going on.  I have overbearing religious parents who are 100% convinced that they are right on everything to do with moral judgments and decisions, what they believe is right, everyone else has failed to educate their moral conscience if there is a difference of opinion.  And their opinion is basically whatever the Pope says.  I have lived in the habit of trusting their views as wise and safe and true.  It was necessary when at home not to challenge them on anything as that meant be ostracized.  I think I still give my mum power over me as I think she is a cleaver woman in lots of ways so it’s had to trust her leadership sometimes, and call her on her bullshit other times.  But I guess that is what I need to do.  Stop thinking I am not as smart or well informed as her.  Just because she is cleaver and smart in lots of ways doesn’t mean she is write about gay people being against god’s natural plan.

I am going to trust myself and my views and decisions lots more from now on.  I will own the price of my decisions and I will reap the reward of my beliefs.

Tonight having a long hot shower I realized I have got to start trusting my own beliefs, I can’t keep acquiescing my intelligence to people with conservative religious views because I think they might be right.  I have to be strong, own my beliefs on gay stuff, not just when it’s easy and convenient.  I am really being challenged on just how strongly I believe in my gay identity, and gay peoples’ right to their love life.

But having said all this I only want to tell builder friend so I can stop lying to him, and after this experience of feeling dirty and being ashamed of myself, it’s taken the wind out of my sails, I am asking, “it can wait, what’s the rush?”