I am having the same feeling about what I have gotten myself into, as when we I know I have spent money and bought something I shouldn’t have wasted money on. In short I am feeling extremely anxious….. Anxiety Is Me, would be a good name for a shop that I was sold in, if I was a product. I have been having rising anxiety over the last few days, and it isn’t going away, it’s still building towards I don’t know what. I am doing my best to surf it, like a giant wave in a surf competition I’m riding that mother fucker the best I can and hope I win and don’t come a cropper. I don’t really think it’s anything to do with BF, he is still great and wonderful, it’s me, and my response to my changed circumstances. I used to have all available free time to think and process thoughts and feeling and plan my life and clean and do things that give me a sense of control and direction.
I feel like I got on a plane to Russia in an ecstasy fuel drug high, partied in Moscow in the freezing snow high off my chops, hanging with the Russian Mafia and super models doing copious amount of cocaine and unprotected sex, did a few lines with Boris Yelsin and Vladimir Putin , got in a tank drove round Red Square, tried to run over a few people, shot a hand gun into the sky and night, did a few acts of pointless vandalism, and slowly my drug fueled party bender is wearing off, and I’m beginning to remember, what I did, not unhappy about what I got up to, but shit a month’s gone past and I now live in Russia? WTF it’s been fun and all, but didn’t I used to live in Sydney?
This is how disconnected I am feeling towards having someone special in my life. He is great, kind, fun, loving and doesn’t annoy me in the slightest. He doesn’t have mood swings, he in generous, sensible and just plain easy to be around. We went out last night and I loved the time I spent with him. It’s when I’m not with him I start to get anxious. I don’t think its separation anxiety, I’ve been single my whole life, it’s nothing like that, it’s just the way I used to approach the world was one way and now its different. I did a few things that single me used to do over the last few nights, and its not that I had this great life when I was single, its just it was a routine of sorts, and now I’m in the middle of a new routine and its shocking my system quiet severely.
When I was younger and I got this anxious feeling I thought it was because I was doing something evil and wrong by being gay, I thought the anxiety was because I was sinning. That’s what the church I went to taught me. I would have run in the past because I would have thought the only way I’m going to defeat this feeling is to stop doing what I’m doing and stop seeing this guy. But luckily I don’t believe that any more, I now think the anxiety is from a dramatic change in my personal circumstances, it’s kind of evil and bad how churches use people’s anxiety to control them and shape them into what they want them to believe.
i remember last yr or the yr before i met this guy at the sauna. can't remember his name. we hit it off, he was cute and he took me to the beach to dinner etc etc. and one night he asked me if i could be his boyfriend. i said yes on the spot. he said, u can think about it if u want, and i had a week to think about it. at the end of the week i dumped him.
ReplyDeletei guess the moral of the story is that i wasn't ready to walk to the grave with him. good luck to you!