I read singleinthecity1.blogspot.com and I like single guy’s blogs, but he did one a little while ago about hitting the reset button to change to straight if you had the option would you do it? My answer for most of my life would have been yes, but the last few months absolutely NO! I love being gay, I really do, I am so grateful for being me, I love it. Single guys answer at the time was yes, maybe has was in a funk, I think he was, that blog was dark, I’m sure I will have those dark times in the future where it’s all too hard.
But driving around Yesterday I couldn’t help but think I pay a very big price for being gay. No relationship until recently, so even though I have great sex, I have been alone with no support. No financial support from family or emotional support from a partner or family, and most probably I will give up having children as well. I have had no pooled finances or someone to care for me when I am sick or encourage me when I am down and discouraged.
The emotional and health toll of doing everything by myself is beginning to scare me. What else am I going to sacrifice in the name of being true to myself? Will I ever own a house? Will I ever be financially secure without someone keeping me on track with my business or career? How much money I am I going to spend to avoid loneliness or distraction or socializing? Sure I have an amazing sex life unmatched by many people, and freedom to do what I can afford to, without other people saying no. But I have no family support, no children, no one has my back (this is if I am single again) so all in all a big toll, and for what? Sex and so I can say I’m gay? Really is it worth it?
are you afraid of being the 60 yr old in the corner of a bar on a sat night at the midnight shift who no one speaks to?
ReplyDeleteI can't help but wonder if "fun" will not be so fun when I'm 45. I do not want my life to be just about my next fuck
ReplyDeleteNah Jamie not worried about 60, I worried about now, its taking a bit toll on me now. I got so sick last year I nearly died, and I had no one there, it was increadibly bad, and I can't see things changing for the better any time soon, well, thats a bit negative, what I mean is things can get bad very quickly, I'm not sick now, and I have someone but both those can change in a second, so how do I build a network around me, and always trying to deal with gay things drain me, I feel like I am always fighting for my right to be here, let alone finding love.
ReplyDeleteIt was good to read this. I feel terrified and sad at the thought of not finding lifelong love, I hate the thought of being alone in that sense. However I am very lucky to have a wonderful and supportive family without which I don't if I would manage or even want to manage.
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