I am doing a little exercise here in striping the layers back to see what actually makes me who I am.
The number one thing influencing me ATM is my health. I have had a terrible month of asthma.
1. I am limited by my asthma in not being able to work or exercise or do much at all really except feel terrible and anxious and worry about all the thing I could have done the last month, so I feel I am a month behind, and month without money coming in.
2. I am a planner and a searcher; I spend my time being sick thinking about what I want and how I am going to get there. A prime example is I only just realized that I am constantly driven to improve my life in any way I can, it’s like that song to the opening credits on the Fab Five “All things just keep getting better” A good trait, except it leaves me spending all my money trying to improve my apartment, clothes, holidays, food, cars. I NEED to stop improving and just live, being is just as important as improving.
3. I am friends focused, without people I like in my life I feel half alive.
4. I am a blog writer, I think if blogs didn’t exist I might right a diary to track my progress through life, so I can look back and see how far I have come, because I forget about the journey in the past. I like there to be a record of the things that have made my life, so I don’t feel like life is passing me by without accomplishing anything.
5. I am sexual, I like to feel a connection with men through sex.
6. I am materialistic and like to have the best or at least nice things of everything, and if it isn’t expensive, then it needs to look like it is.
7. I am a comparer, I like to track myself against other people, and I use other people to gauge who and what my strengths and weakness are.
8. I can do lots of things well except for petty. I am so big picture I am totally flawed when it comes to detail and making life about the small things, people who nitpick about stupid stuff that doesn’t matter, drive me insane.
9. I derive myself worth through the positive change I can make and by having fun.
10. I am limited financially by my poor employment record, partly due to poor health and party due to my inability to find a good job, and partly because I start to feel really down when I am doing a job that feels limiting and pointless, “Is this as good as it gets” runs through my head as soon as I feel stale, and I want to bail as fast as I can.
11. I fell a long long long way from the apple tree, no one in my family is anything like me.
12. I absolutely need to do tangible stuff and security is important to me.
if i peeled back all the layers right down to my core, i would feel totally disgusted by who i am. its like that movie dorian gray. on the outside ben barnes looks hot but the real picture behind it is more dark and sinister. i dont think i am dark and sinister but i have been watching the spice girls reunion show "giving you everything".
ReplyDeleteIt details their rise to fame, their successes, their dramas, their split. In the end Melanie C had an eating disorder, Geri Halliwell left due to disputes and pressures. On the outside it looked so good and they were ontop of the world, they really did achieve world domination. But on the inside its revealed none of them were true happy and some moreso than others. They didnt have a day off in over a year and they fly 70 times a month around the world.
I sometimes feel like that. I have an incredible opportunity that others would give an arm and a leg for, but i just feel all this pressure to succeed, to be better than I was, to keep coming up with new ideas and its really draining on my health. Im glad Mel C came out saying that she had depression in the end because their feet wont on the ground anymore and everything came so easily and the snowball got bigger and bigger and thats exactly how Im feeling.
But at the end of the day, you have to take a deep breath and march on. If i start to take it all in, analyze it, I might just implode.