Relief From Uncertainty

Made it out to dinner tonight with BF and I am feeling much better, we finally had the talk that I had been needing to have for a while, but he was quite happy if we didn’t have the talk, which I found strange but now I know why I felt like I had been floating for a while.  He didn’t feel the need to say that we weren’t what we had started out to be anymore, but I did feel the need, as I didn’t know how to handle his expectations.  Did he still have feelings for me?  What did he want? Did we have a future?  Would he be ok if we didn’t?  I am so new at all of this, that I was swimming blind in a sea of new emotions never having navigated this before.  But I will be more confident in saying what I want next time round.  He has been great and still is, we just aren’t on a relationship path anymore.  I didn’t know what feelings he still had for me, and I have only just worked out what mine were, but it took me over two weeks to know what I wanted and over three to have this conversation with him.  What I have been going through is a bit like this.  How do you say no to someone who is loving, has love to give and cares about you and is kind and thinks about you, does stuff for you and isn’t annoying?  How could I walk away from that?  I didn’t know why I felt uncomfortable, but I did.  I don’t think its him, maybe we are incompatible or maybe I just need my space more than I need to be close to someone, but either way all these things are new to me and I had to work through them.  Here I have met a great guy and yet I am anxious? Why?  But with time on my own, my anxiety went away.  Something just wasn’t right, but I don’t know what.

I guess I did feel pressure from his expectations.  He told me tonight that he never had any.  But I had told him at the start that I didn’t want to pair off quickly, which I thought he was ok with, but I then felt I was hurting his feelings if I was interested in other guys and didn’t hide it or lie about it.  So I did feel pressure that it was him only or not at all.  So I stopped looking at other guys for long enough to play by his rules and see if that was something I wanted.  But the whole committed monogamous thing, just felt all too serious and grown up for me, I’m 31 not 41 why did I want to play husband and wife at this age, it feels too restricting to me.  I really do think we can be friends, which will be a first for both of us, as neither of us has wanted to be friends with someone we have been involved with in the past, so there is defiantly some attraction there, but I think we need to build a friendship first, we tried to skip over the friendship stage straight into a relationship, that was a big no no, I will never do that again, friends first to build a relationship on, not the other way round.

He told me he could never put his finger on why he was attracted to me, he just was, he feels its spiritual and I think my attraction to him may have been as well, we just felt good together.  He also told me about other guys who are interested in him, this made me feel much better.  I hope he wasn’t doing to make me feel better, I don’t think he would do that, but just knowing he had other love interests made me feel a lot better.

I think basically I was missing my freedom, and I felt bad when I wanted to do something that I thought might hurt him if I did it, and then I would feel bad because I missed out on something or someone I wanted to do.  I found I was spending more time thinking about his feelings then living my life, so in the end all his kindness couldn’t make up for my sense of loss of freedom of choice.

Night Night M, I know you read this, we had 6 great weeks, twice as long as I have had with anyone else.  You are lovely and loving and maybe in the future one day when I’m more of an adult I will be able to hang in their better, I just want to let you know that you really did show me love and I have had a truly amazing March, I think the best month of my life because of you.   I am thinking of you and look forward to our friendship because I think it’s going to be good, I can’t wait to see what we can get up to as friends, and how well we can shake this planet and make some change.