I Am My Own Hero

This title might sound a little conceited but bare with me, it gets better.  I few months ago I wrote about the new gay man who was gay by choice.  I said that basically one day gay will be so accepted that guys will make a choice to be gay based on what they want for their lives, not out of fear of being gay, and hiding from it if they can, but they will be with women because they genuinely love them, not because they are socially conditioned to liking them.

Well my gay attraction has taken many forms.  First was low self esteem over what I looked like, being overweight and not being attractive when I was younger.  Then there were father issues about love, that were fixed with my first boy friend who loved me unconditionally and then I was able to love myself.  Then there was the fun of sex, the amount or random sex I would never get in the straight world.  And finally recently there has been the desire to have a life with a man, something I have never wanted before, but now am exploring. 

The Hero in my head when it comes to gay fantasies goes like this, totally unaffected guy, who is masculine as all fuck but tender and loving.  Rare, but they defiantly exist, I have a few friends who are that, one is straight, and one is gay.  They are both school friends, the best looking guys you have ever seen, hearts as big as Phar Lap, but not without flaws, even as friends they can be frustrating at times, they are also filthy rich from tradie families, with disposable incomes like you have never seen, but cool, ones a TV director, and the other one is a builder, but a cool builder, he can out dress me without trying, the cat walks of Paris and Rome, copy what he wares.  They have big hearts, love to give and are totally manly.  I love them both.

But driving home the other night I realize I had become my own hero, I am very masculine, I am now a builder, slowly building a body that guys are going ape over, have a lot of admires at the moment who are making me feel that I am worth something, and great friends around me who make me feel loved and like life is a blast.

Every single part of my life is going the way I want it to, that is so rare, I love it, and frankly its about bloody time, I’ve had my share of disappointments and I got to a very discouraged place, discouragement is a very serious thing that no one talks about.

I think I will continue this next time as I need to share what has happened over the last few days for you to get the full picture of whats been happening.  I think I will call tomorrow “Ode to Grindr; A Love Poem”